Sunday, October 7, 2012

Creature (2011)

Grimley (Daniel Bernhardt) goes nuts after he loses the love of his life. Grimley is actually related to this VERY young woman, and they were about to tie the knot (yeah, it’s actually more creepy and disgusting than you think), but his sister is eaten by some large and monstrous white alligator. Grimley seeks revenge, and he eventually kills the deadly alligator during a very unbelievable and laughable battle. Grimley begins to eat the alligator, but he also eats other human body parts, which include his sister! This gross act of cannibalism transforms him into the deadly Creature (or Lockjaw), and Grimley becomes a terrorizing killing machine over time. Umm, yeah, I thought this was stupid. How can cannibalism help a normal man transform into a supernatural being??? As far as I know, the big white alligator wasn’t a supernatural being (because they never gave any hints or clues that would suggest this), and the rest of the body parts came from normal people. The Creature in this film looks like a joke. It isn’t intimidating or scary, and his cartoonish movements made everything worse. This monster was supposed to inspire fear. It was supposed to be scary, but I spent most of my time laughing at the monster.

Also, they should change the name of this film to “The Land Of The Gaping Plot Holes.” Creature leaves so many unanswered questions, and they don’t explain a lot of major details here. There seems to be some kind of connection between the creepy locals and the deadly monster, but everything is so unclear. At first, I thought Chopper (the owner of a convenience store) was controlling the Creature, but he never has any sort of interaction with the monster. This is just one of the major flaws in this film, but Creature creates more mind boggling questions as time progresses.


Why did Chopper (Sid Haig) want to sacrifice his own daughter? He cuts off her foot (Karen dies shortly after this), but why did he do this? It seemed as if they would use the foot for some kind of ritual, but they didn’t. Karen dies, and the foot is never mentioned again. Also, they NEVER explain the reasons for the sacrifices in this film. Are the human sacrifices supposed to please God or the Creature? Chopper mentions God, but the victims are for the Creature?!?!

Is the tribal necklace supposed to mean something? At the beginning of the film, a woman is shown wearing a tribal necklace. She loses this necklace after a fatal attack from the big white alligator. Chopper eventually gains possession of the necklace later on in the film, but what’s the importance of it? For all I know, it’s just a fancy tribal style necklace, but this necklace is shown during Karen’s mutilation, and the necklace is showcased as an important tool for the sacrifices, so you would think this necklace has some sort of value.

Oh, Karen’s mother is referenced in this film. I guess she had some sort of past connection with the Creature, but this is another major detail that they don’t bother explaining.

**End spoilers**

And I hated the majority of the characters here, because they are incredibly stupid…. Hey, lets trust some of the creepy locals who obviously hate us! They might be luring us into a trap, and we probably know this, but who cares! Let’s postpone our road trip to New Orleans, because visiting an old and rundown tourist trap would be more fun! This tourist trap is in the middle of nowhere and the venue is completely secluded, but it should be a fun adventure! Ugh. Also, some of the characters can be major hypocrites. Beth (Amanda Fuller) and Randy (Aaron Hill) are a couple, and Randy contemplates smoking a joint during a friendly night around the campfire. But Beth steps in, and she condemns Randy for his thoughts of drug use. Randy doesn’t smoke the weed, but it’s okay for Beth to get drunk and almost have sex with Karen?

Niles (Mehcad Brooks) is pretty much invincible throughout the entire film, but he is a normal human being. Yeah, Mehcad Brooks’ character is an ex Navy Seal, but he is still a normal man who is made of flesh, blood, and bones. Niles is shot in the leg with a fucking shotgun, but he is able to run around and fight off the bad guys with no problem? He never shows any signs of this serious injury, and I just couldn’t believe this. Niles gets his ass kicked during the final battle with the Creature, and you can actually hear his bones break, he coughs up a lot of blood, but he withstands the punishment, and he is able to make a fighting comeback?

And I can’t forget about the VERY creepy and weird relationship between Oscar (Dillon Casey) and Karen (Lauren Schneider). Oscar and Karen are siblings, and they helped lure the cast into the deadly trap that was set by their father, Chopper. Well, Karen and Oscar obviously like each other…I mean they REALLY like each other, and this film does feature a scene that involves plenty of intense physical contact. I can’t go into details, but I will say this, they almost went all the way with these two, because they do tease an incest sex scene here.

I thought the final battle would provide some redeemable qualities, but I was wrong again.


The Man Of Steel (Niles) endures the viscous beat down from the Creature, and the monster is sucked into the muddy swamp below, but the Creature won’t disappear into the muddy swamps alone. He decides to take Nile’s girlfriend with him. Niles chases after the love of his life, and he does kill the Creature….BUT THEY DON’T SHOW THE ACTUAL BATTLE??? That’s right. They don’t show the Creature’s demise. The audience sees Niles and Emily (Niles’ girlfriend) make their escape, but how did it happen? Did Niles defeat the Creature alone? Did Emily help? What killed the Creature? This was another major letdown, and they really dropped the ball here. Oh, and after taking an ass whooping from the Creature, Niles doesn’t show any signs off the brutal beating, but he’s Superman, so I guess he didn’t feel anything. Also, the final battle didn’t make a lot of sense in the first place. The Creature has so many advantages over Niles. Super strength, size, speed, and well, he is a monster. The Creature could tear him apart so easily, but the deadly monster decides to fight Niles in a slugfest? For some asinine reason, the Creature decides to trade punches with Niles during the final showdown, and Niles is able to make a comeback. The Creature could’ve literally tore him apart, but he wants to have a good old fashioned man to man fight?

**End spoilers**

The final battle was awful, but the grand finale was far worse.


So Emily (Serinda Swan) and Niles escape from the Creature, they drive away from the horrible swamp…..but what happened to Beth? Earlier in the film, Beth accidentally stumbles into the Creature’s lair, she screams, and it looks like the Creature is about to attack her. But they don’t show anything (yeah, I know, what a surprise), and Amanda Fuller’s character disappears from the film after this. Fast forward to the very end, and we see Beth inside Chopper’s convenience store. She has this lost look on her face, and she’s holding a baby??? Chopper praises her as a mother, and this piece of shit film finally ends. What happened in the Creature’s lair? Was Beth raped? Did she have consensual sex with the Creature? Why does the baby look 100% human? Beth’s baby looks like a normal human baby, but this baby shouldn’t look normal, if something happened with the Creature. And if nothing physical happened with the Creature, who did Beth have sex with? How did she become pregnant? This cliffhanger was another huge part of the story, and of course, they don’t explain or show anything.

Oh, and this quiet little convenience store instantly becomes prosperous after the Creature‘s demise. Plenty of tourists and travelers show up at Chopper’s convenience store, they’re spending money, and they are enjoying themselves. Why is this happening? Is the Creature’s death the reason for the store’s new found success? Again, they don’t explain ANYTHING, so the audience is lost again here. But to tell you the truth, I had already given up at this point. I didn’t want to understand the screenplay that someone obliviously pulled out of their ass, because I just didn’t care anymore.

**End spoilers**

Fuck the decent acting. Creature is still a disaster of epic proportions. The story is a total mess, they don’t show the majority of the deaths, this film isn’t scary at all, there isn’t any real tension here, the Creature can’t be taken seriously, and the constant use of slow motion in this film becomes very annoying after a while. I guess they were they were going for an “awfully good movie that’s fun to watch” here, but there’s one major problem with this….Creature isn’t fun at all. This movie is pure unenjoyable garbage, but not fun.

Final Rating: 0/10

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