She-Wolves Of The Wasteland/Phoenix The Warrior (1988)

**This review contains spoilers**

Before I jump into this review, I just want to say thank you for helping me reach over 1,000 views for The Haunting In Connecticut 2: Ghosts Of Georgia! That's my first review to reach and go over a thousand views, and I couldn't believe it. So again, thank you!

After a series of bacteriological wars and the plagues that followed them, Earth is nothing more than a barren wasteland, and the male population was decimated into oblivion. With help from bounty hunters, and her ruthless enforcer, Cobalt (Persis Khambatta), Reverend Mother (Sheila Howard) took control of everything, as ruler of the world. Using her powers and black magic to kill off the remaining men, Reverend Mother made the choice to breed only women within her sperm banks.

One day, Keela (Peggy Sands) is attacked by Reverend Mother’s bounty hunters, but a Sand Trapper named Phoenix (Kathleen Kinmont) saves her. Demanding answers for her protection, Keela tells Phoenix the truth: breeders gave Keela the only male seed on Earth, so Keela can give birth to a male child with the hopes of restoring balance to Earth’s population. Believing in the just cause, Phoenix agrees to protect and watch over Keela. Eventually, Keela gives birth to her son, Skyler (Sklyer Corbett), but under Reverend Mother’s orders, Cobalt and her forces relentlessly pursue Keela, Phoenix, and Skyler.

Five years after Skyler’s birth, Reverend Mother plans to drain Skyler’s life force, so she can strengthen her weakening powers, and become invincible in the process. A rogue male (James H. Emery), who escaped Reverend Mother’s sperm banks, agrees to help Phoenix, Skyler, and Keela reach a desolate island in the sea to escape Reverend Mother’s clutches for good. But the group runs into some trouble while traveling through the Badlands, and Keela decides to risk everything to save a kidnapped Phoenix from Cobalt’s “fight to the death” arena.

Yeah. I understand what She-Wolves Of The Wasteland was going for. They were trying to make a mindless fun B-movie/post-apocalyptic action flick, but the final product is an epic fail on every level imaginable. I won’t be too harsh on the poor production values and noticeable audio problems, because you have to expect that from a B-movie, especially one from the 80’s.

But EVERYTHING else is beyond horrendous. The acting is terrible. Kathleen Kimmont is just a look, and that’s it. Peggy Sands is somehow worse as Keela, and it sounds like she’s reading her lines from cue cards step by step. Khambatta’s Cobalt is so ridiculous and over the top. Yeah, I know that’s the point, but she’s too cheesy to take seriously, and too brutal to laugh at (Cobalt cuts off the ears of her victims). I don’t think anyone could’ve saved the Reverend Mother character. Bottom line, Reverend Mother’s appearance is too cartoonish for a primary antagonist (she wears a black robe, wrinkly all over, pale, and her body is hooked up to some machine, which is supposed to be a life support system, with a bunch of big wires sticking out on the floor).

Looking for lots of nudity? Well, you should find another movie. She-Wolves Of The Wasteland gives you a few topless scenes, but that’s about it. The most obvious “eye candy only” scene involves two topless women sunbathing or taking a bath (hard to tell what they were doing) under waterfalls. The waterfalls scene goes on for a while, but again, it’s nothing shocking, or gratuitous.

Usually, when it comes to imperfections in B-movies, I look the other way, because B-movies are supposed to be silly fun. But She-Wolves Of The Wasteland pushes everything too far. Poor execution, incompetent directing, horrendous acting, and too many question marks. A short list of some mind-boggling questions:

-Who’s supposed to be the main character? Keela or Phoenix? I guess that’s why they changed the title of the movie (Phoenix The Warrior was the original title), because everything you see on-screen leads you to believe Phoenix is the main character. But on the other hand, Keela is carrying mankind’s last hope. Just another annoying conundrum in the storyline.

- What the hell is a Sand Trapper? They never bother explaining this.

-Okay. Keela is pregnant. BUT you literally can’t see any signs of Keela being pregnant, and a few minutes after she announces her pregnancy to Phoenix, she gives birth out of nowhere?

-What happened to Keela and Skyler? You know, the woman carrying mankind’s last hope, and the kid, who could save the world. The last scene in the movie (which is also the same exact scene used for the  intro) shows Phoenix riding a white horse on the beach…..and that’s it. Sorry, B-movie or no B-movie, you can’t just forget about two very important characters, and not give the audience some kind of explanation.

The lame final showdown between Keela, Phoenix, and Reverend Mother was just pitiful. Reverend Mother has Skyler in a cage, and guess what Keela does to stop her? She pulls out the wires to the machine that’s keeping Reverend Mother alive, killing her. So the most dominant and powerful force in the world is killed, because someone pulled a bunch of wires? Ugh. It was a train wreck to sit through, but the preceding battle between Phoenix and Cobalt was better.

She-Wolves Of The Wasteland stays in its own frustrating safe zone. When it comes to nudity, violence, and dialogue (one “cunt” isn’t enough to raise an eyebrow), everything is too tamed to be shocking. And I couldn’t laugh, because the parody performances and writing are atrocious. Hard to think of any redeemable qualities from She-Wolves, so I’m going with a zero.

Rating: 0/10

Predators (2010)

**This review contains spoilers**

Abducted and dropped onto the Predator’s alien planet, soldiers, a mercenary, enforcers, a death row inmate, and a doctor are forced to fight for their lives. Taking on the role of a leader, Royce (Adrien Brody) commands the group of Isabelle (Alice Braga), Stans (Walton Goggins), Hanzo (Louis Ozawa Changchien), Nikolai (Oleg Taktarov), Mombasa (Mahershalalhashbaz Ali), Cuchillo (Danny Trejo), and Edwin (Topher Grace).

After an attack from alien dogs, Royce figures out the puzzle of the kidnapping: everyone brought to the alien planet is live bait for the Predators to hunt and kill in a deadly game. The survivors eventually learn more about the blood feud between the bigger Predators and smaller Predators from a survivor of “ten seasons” named Noland (Laurence Fishburne). Royce tries to figure out a way to escape after Noland mentions a ship, but Royce is forced to use his grenade launcher to signal the Predators for help, when Noland reveals himself as a scavenger.

Adrien Brody is a competent leading man, while Topher Grace and Walton Goggins provide some great comic relief. Rest of the cast ranges from so-so to decent, but nobody is noticeably bad here. Laurence Fishburne’s appearance is limited to cameo status, but Fishburne is hilarious, as the paranoid and insane recluse, who talks to an imaginary friend.

Some people might think of Predators as a stand-alone film in the franchise, but it’s actually a sequel. Remember when Royce pushes Isabelle to tell the truth about the Predator tied up at the campsite? Isabelle recalls Dutch’s (Arnold) report of what he saw during his first and only encounter with a Predator.

Mentioning the 1987 original confirms Predators’ status as a sequel, and it’s a cool “remember that!” moment for fans of the franchise. They also reintroduce the gruesome “ripping the spine and skull from the back, and raising it in the air like a trophy” kill with Stans’ death. Plus, using themes and music from the original Predator is a great nostalgia touch.

Nimord Antal (the director) and the writers, Alex Livtak and Michael Finch do a good job of introducing their new vision for the Predator franchise, while paying homage to the 1987 original (I’d like to forget Predator 2 ever happened, and I’m glad they ignored it here). The final duel between Royce and the big Predator is reminiscent of  Dutch’s battle with the Predator, with Royce covering himself in mud to block the Predator’s heat sensors. And Hanzo’s one on one blade to blade duel with the Predator in the open field reminds me of Billy’s stand against the Predator in the ‘87 film. Billy was tired of running, and just said to hell with it, come and get me. Hanzo pretty much did the same thing after everyone else ran from Noland’s hideout. Hanzo stopped, took off his shirt, turned around, and drew his sword for the battle.

Predators is a breath of fresh air, that pays homage to the original, and gives Predator fans some hope for the future. A lot of bloody and gory action sequences with a hard hitting and nasty final battle between Royce and the large Predator. And I LOVE the twist with Topher Grace turning on Isabelle at the end, and revealing himself as a cold-blooded murderer. Truly a shock, and the twist made Grace’s character look like a real weasel after he played the innocent wimp, and Isabelle risked her life to save his.

Rating: 7/10

Hostel Part III (2011)

**This review contains spoilers**

One night, Travis (Chris Coy) wanders into the room of a vacationing Ukrainian couple at a rundown hostel in Las Vegas. Anka (Evelina Oboza) urges Travis to stay, while Victor (Nickola Shreli) offers him a glass of vodka, but Travis refuses. Instead, Travis gives Anka and Victor a few bottles of beer. But Victor and Anka unknowingly drink drugged beer, causing both of them to pass out afterwards. Travis reveals himself as an Elite Hunting Club associate (Travis is also the right hand man for the Vegas leader/boss) with the mandatory bloodhound tattoo, as more Elite Hunting associates arrive to take Anka and Victor to the Vegas headquarters. 

Meanwhile, Using a golf trip as a cover, Carter (Kip Pardue) fools his best friend, Scott (Brian Hallisay) and his soon-to-be wife/girlfriend, Amy (Kelly Thiebaud). Carter actually planned a bachelor party vacation to Las Vegas with Scott’s two friends, Mike (Skyler Stone) and Justin (John Hensley), suffering from a bad leg and having to rely on a crutch, tagging along.

In a casino, the three friends meet two escorts and best friends named Nikki (Zulay Henao) and Kendra (Sarah Habel), who convince them to go to an underground club for a wild and risky party. Refusing to break his promise to Amy after a previous incident of infidelity, Scott turns down Kendra’s offer for sex, disappointing Carter, who payed money up front.

After the club, Mike and Nikki mysteriously disappear together. Worried, Scott, Carter, and Justin team up with Kendra to find Mike and Nikki. Unbeknownst to the search party, Mike and Nikki were taken by Elite Hunting Club associates, and tortured to death in front of Elite Hunting members. With a false text message from Elite Hunting, the search party is lured into the dingy hostel, where Elite Hunting associates gas and kidnap everyone. Waiting in the car, and noticing bagged bodies being dumped into the back of a van, Justin is knocked out by Travis and taken.

At the Elite Hunting headquarters in Vegas, Scott, Kendra, Carter, and Justin are held captive in cages with an angry Victor, who lost Anka during a torture/death show…until Carter reveals his bloodhound tattoo for Elite Hunting members. Carter is freed with the promise of torturing Scott to death by the Vegas headquarters leader, Flemming (Thomas Kretschmann). But Flemming double-crosses Carter, when he orders Scott’s release during the torture show in front of other Elite Hunting members, forcing Carter into a deadly duel with his former best friend.

Mediocre cast at best. Brian Hallisay is a dull and uninteresting leading man, Skyler Stone’s act as the Wildman, who loves to party and fool around on his wife is annoying, and John Hensley is just there. Kip Pardue delivers the best performance, but he couldn’t take things to the next level, when Carter revealed himself as a member of Elite Hunting. The direction of Pardue’s character changed, but I just saw the same guy with no noticeable changes in his character. Remember when Stuart turned on Beth in Part II? You could actually see the changes in Roger Bart, as he transformed into a cold-blooded nutcase. Pardue? Not so much. Nickola Shreli is good for a few laughs, as the rowdy prisoner, who will do anything to get under the skin of the Elite Hunting guards. And it’s not fair to judge Kelly Thiebaud’s Amy, because she only appears at the very beginning and during the finale.

A big step down for the antagonists in this Hostel film. Chris Coy’s Travis is boring. Flemming doesn’t show up until the final stages of Hostel III, but Kretschman doesn’t do anything to make you care about his character. The guards at the Elite Hunting facility in Vegas can’t rise above standard and one-dimensional goon/thug personas, and the torturers for Elite Hunting could’ve been replaced by anyone with some basic acting skills.

Hostel Part III ignores the storylines in the first two films, and we get an inside look at the American side of Elite Hunting with the Las Vegas headquarters. I appreciate the changes here, because the “random group of American tourists unknowingly wandering into a death trap in Slovakia” premise ran its course, and they really milked this premise for all it’s worth in the second film.

At the Las Vegas headquarters, Elite Hunting Club members don’t actually kill the kidnapped victims. They watch torturers or trained killers (they don’t have a proper name) kill the victims in a glass casing during a show. Meanwhile, Elite Hunting Club members bet on the fates of the victims. Elite Hunting members use a “Wheel Of Misfortune” on their computers to select options for potential pleas or reactions from the victim (i.e. begging for one last chance to see their families, begging for their lives, screaming, crying, etc.). The Wheel Of Misfortune can also be used to predict the weapon the professional will use to kill the victim. Whoever comes close or guesses right, wins a cash prize. The Wheel Of Misfortune is a refreshing feature in the latest Hostel installment, and the wheel is a perfect tie-in for the Vegas theme. Also, Elite Hunting members can use their bloodhound tattoos to enter and exit the Vegas headquarters via a scanner.

I’ll give Michael D. Weiss ( the writer) credit for some nice twist and turns and surprises. During the intro, you would automatically assume Victor and Anka are working for Elite Hunting, but Travis revealing himself as the associate was a nice shocker to start off the movie. Weiss also pulls a nice fake out with Kendra and Nikki, deceiving the audience into thinking they might be working for Elite Hunting. I thought Scott was done for, when someone threw a bag over his head at the underground club, but Weiss tricks everyone again, because it was a set up by Carter to kick off Scott’s bachelor party. And Carter revealing himself as a member of Elite Hunting in the cages was the icing on the cake.

But I wasn’t a fan of the reasons behind Carter luring his friends into a death trap, so he can torture Scott to death: Carter wants to torture and kill Scott, so he can have Amy all to himself, and Carter is the one, who told Amy about Scott’s one-night stand. I’m sorry, but I thought the “I want to kill you, because I’ve always wanted to have sex with your girlfriend” twist was incredibly lame.

Overall, Scott Spiegel’s (the director, and he also served as a producer for Hostel I & II, and he‘s also a producer for this film) style is bland, but the suspenseful finale is fun to watch. Covering his tracks, Flemming decides to blow up the Vegas headquarters after Scott calls 911. During the countdown, Scott is forced to fight for his life, Carter escapes, and he locks the gate, so Scott can die in the explosion. Yeah, it was obvious Scott would return for revenge on Carter with Amy’s help, and he did. Still, I was on the edge of my seat, and Carter using Flemming’s body as a cushion to drive over the spikes in the car garage is my top pick for  the “OMG!” moment in Hostel III.

Hostel III tries to be something different. I respect and admire the efforts here, but unfortunately, Hostel III suffers from your usual straight-to-video horror sequel problems. A mediocre cast, terrible production values, and sub-par special effects (which is strange because Hostel, a mainstream release, had a budget of $4.8 million, and Hostel III‘s budget was an estimated $6 million). Also, why in the name of all things holy is Hostel III dubbed as an “unrated” horror film? Nothing, and I do mean NOTHING in this movie is that extreme, gross, violent, or graphic to warrant an unrated label. The first two Hostel films (especially the second one) are more bloody and nasty, and it’s not even close. The unrated stuff is just another deceiving tagline to lure Hostel die hards to this film. Hostel III has a few nasty death scenes, that’ll make you cringe and squirm (the professional carving and peeling off Mike’s face…yikes), but the third installment in the Hostel franchise is average at best.

Rating: 5/10

Hostel Part II (2007)

**This review contains spoilers**


Following the events of Hostel, Paxton (Jay Hernandez)is still haunted by his nightmarish vacation in Slovakia. Fearing the wrath of the Elite Hunting Club, the secret organization based in Slovakia, where clients pay to torture and kill kidnapped victims in a murder-for-profit business, Paxton becomes a nervous and paranoid recluse, relying on medication to get through the day. Living with his girlfriend, Stephanie (Jordan Ladd) at her grandmother’s house, Paxton refuses to go to the police, or inform Josh’s mother of her son’s death, because he fears the possibility of the Elite Hunting Club coming back for revenge. Stephanie dismisses Paxton’s fear of the Elite Hunting Club as paranoia, until she finds Paxton’s beheaded body in the kitchen one morning. After his death, an Elite Hunting Club associate takes Paxton’s head to Slovakia as a trophy for the ruthless leader, Sasha (Milan Knazko).

In Italy, Beth (Lauren German), who is rich and can buy “anything” with an inheritance from her deceased  mother, and Whitney (Bijou Phillips) are studying art, while the nerdy outcast, Lorna (Heather Matarazzo) tags along. With pressure from a homesick and lonely Lorna, Beth allows her to go on a vacation with Whitney. On the train, Beth, Whitney, and Lorna are persuaded by Axelle (Vera Jordanova), a nude model from the art school, to go to the same death trap hostel in Slovakia, where Paxton, Josh, and Oli met Svetlana and Natalya. Axelle convinces them to try the natural steam springs, enjoy peace and quiet, and without suspecting anything fishy at first, Beth, Whitney, and Lorna believe they made the right choice.

Meanwhile, after Beth, Whitney, and Lorna give their passports to the clerk at the hostel, the clerk uploads their passports, and he submits each profile to biding members of the Elite Hunting Club all around the world on the company’s secret website. In America, Todd (Richard Burgi), a wealthy business man, wins the bids for Beth and Whitney. Todd purchased Whitney for himself, and Beth for his shy and wimpy friend, Stuart (Roger Bart). Todd, eager to know what it feels like to have the killer instinct, pushes a reluctant Stuart to fly with him to Slovakia to torture and kill Beth.

At a local festival, Lorana is lured away and set up by a local named Roman, an associate for the Elite Hunting Club. Shortly after Lorna’s disappearance, Whtiney is taken, and Beth is saved by Axelle and Sasha, as the notorious gang of youg hooligans use sticks to savagely beat Beth in the woods. At Sasha’s mansion, Beth discovers the truth, as more Elite Hunting Club associates arrive to finally take her to the factory: Axelle is responsible for Whitney and Lorna’s disappearances, because she’s one of Sasha’s top associates, who lure innocent tourists and victims into the clutches of the Elite Hunting Club. After noticing the picture of the man, who “stole” Lorna’s iPod (it was a ploy by Axelle to gain Beth, Whitney, and Lorna’s trust, after Axelle “found” the iPod, returning it to Lorna) on the train, Beth tries to run. But she accidentally finds Sasha’s trophy room of human heads (including Paxton’s head), as the Elite Hunting associates take Beth to Stuart at the factory…..

Stronger overall cast than Hostel. Heather Matarazzo is spot on as the shy geek. I didn’t have a problem with her character or performance, but I hated The Divide, and Lauren German probably had the most memorable scene in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake (“he’s a very bad man”). German has a very believable nasty mean streak, when someone pushes her too far, or insults her (the sleazy Italian guy on the train, and Stuart) by using the word “cunt.” The Beth character is kind of dull overall, but German has a few memorable moments, when Beth snaps, and during the end, as she tries to talk Stuart out of killing her (more on that later). Lorna hit the nail on the head, when describing Bijou Phillips’ Whitney by calling her a “raving bitch.” Phillips is entertaining as this catty and flirty yong woman, but her character is annoying after the kidnapping, because Whitney turns into the typical damsel in distress, who screams for help every five seconds.

And I might be alone in feeling this way, but it’s hard for me to feel sympathy for Lorna‘s death. Whitney and Beth get a few passes from me, because Whitney was blind sided by her abduction, and Beth was the sharp one in the group, always suspicious of everything throughout the movie…..well until she goes to Sasha’s mansion. Of course, Axelle lies about her ties to Sasha, but when Beth is walking up the staircase with Axelle, there’s a GIANT painting of Axelle on the wall. At this point, Beth still had time to escape and run for her life, but for some odd reason, she didn’t notice anything odd about Sasha’s painting of Axelle in HIS mansion? Seriously? Anyway, back to Lorna. Yeah, I get Roman saw an easy target, because she’s lonely and insecure, but come on now. You’re going to trust some strange guy you just met on a boat ride to the middle of nowhere? And when they arrive at the spot, where Lorna is kidnapped and taken to the factory, Roman is suddenly capable of speaking perfect and fluent English? Ugh.

Milan Knazko’s is a perfect fit for the cold-hearted monster Sasha, and what else would you expect from a man, who runs a murder-for-profit business? Jordanova is an enjoyable devious trader, and she gets what’s coming to her at the end. Richard Burgi is an obnoxious and douchey jackass, and Roger Bart’s nerdy and insecure Stuart provides some comic relief….until the drastic character revelations at the very end (more on that later). I’m glad Roth brought back the young gang of hooligans, who are always good for some laughs. Although, I could’ve done without that smug weirdo, who’s a clerk at the hostel (he’s the clerk, who uploads the passports), and for what it’s worth, the older guy with the stylish beard (the guy at the booth, who told Paxton it’s “free,” when Svetlana lured him into the factory) returns for a cameo.

Roth also gives praised Italian director Ruggero Deodato a cameo. He’s the torturer, who literally carves up the guy Whitney met at the hostel, and flirted with afterwards. Roth is a huge fan of Deodato’s work, and he adores Cannibal Holocaust, so the cameo isn’t a big shock. I’ve never actually seen Deodato, and I didn’t even know it was him until Roth pointed it out on the director’s commentary. 

Attention to detail. It’s why one of the main reasons why I enjoy Hostel Part II. Remember how Paxton escaped in the original? It’s not that easy the second time around. You have to have a clearance code to leave the torture rooms, AND after that, Elite Hunting associates in the security room are the only ones, who can open the door from the control panel. Whitney tries to escape after attacking the makeup artist, but cage doors block every exit. With Paxton in the original, this wasn’t a problem. That’s one of the reasons why I appreciate the changes in Hostel Part II. Eli Roth changed the environment at the factory, making it harder for the victims to escape, and closing any gaps in logic for the sequel.

Roth also gives us a more in-depth look at the Elite Hunting Club and the members. Roth shows us how the members bid for their victims, the mandatory bloodhound tattoos, each member is given a pager that goes off, when the victim is ready, and the Elite Hunting Club offers discounts for damaged victims. And Roth adds more mystique to the Elite Hunting Club with Paxton explaining Elite Hunting’s ties into everything by having members in governments, hospitals, and police forces all around the world, who constantly keep a watchful eye over everything. Also, we learn more about the motivations from Elite Hunting Club members for killing. Todd wants to be a bad ass, and he thinks killing Whitney will help him achieve his goal. But Stuart is pushed into Elite Hunting by Todd.

But Stuart and Todd have two very different revelations in the torture rooms at the factory. Todd FREAKS out, when he accidentally cuts into Whitney’s skull with an electrical saw. Devastated by his actions, Todd tries to runaway, but attack dogs literally tear him to pieces in the elevator. Stuart on the other hand, snaps when Beth says he’s “not that guy.” Stuart, sick of being labeled the nice guy, attacks Beth, and decides to try and kill her after Beth and Todd agreed to escape the factory together. This double twist is a BIG shocker, because throughout the movie, Todd constantly brags about finally getting the chance to kill, and Stuart was petrified at the thought of taking a life.

The gore and violence is more extreme and nasty this time around, and Eli Roth doesn’t hold anything back. Lorna’s death features the most blood, Whitney’s demise is gruesome, because she actually survives Todd’s mistake with the saw, and she’s forced to suffer afterwards.

Beth using a really big pair of scissors to cut off Stuart’s genitals, and Beth feeding Stuart's "remains" to the attack dogs for food? Wow. Shocking, grotesque, and a clear cut choice for the number one hard-to-watch moment in this film.

Kudos to Eli Roth for delivering a satisfying sequel to Hostel. So many times we see a lazy and uninspired follow up to a successful, low-budget mainstream horror film, but Hostel Part II doesn’t fall into that category. Roth was able to maintain and enhance the deadly reputation of the Elite Hunting Club, and give Elite Hunting a face by introducing Sasha. Roth also introduce new characters with different backstories and motivations (i.e. the cast of protagonists aren’t limited to a bunch of horny male tourists), and he added some crucial details to the story. The intro with Paxton dreaming about an attack by the Elite Hunting Club in Europe, and then waking up to a real life beheading is just unreal. But in the end, Roth delivers the long-awaited satisfying payoff, as Stuart and Axelle get what they deserve with Beth extracting revenge on both of them (Beth Kills Axell after the gang of young hooligans lure her into the woods and a trip wire. Beth comes out of hiding, and uses an axe to cut off Axell’s head).

Rating: 8/10

Hostel (2005)

**This review contains spoilers**

Backpacking through Europe, three friends are persuaded by Alexei (Lubomir Bukovy), a local, to go to a town in Slovakia for the best selection of promiscuous young women at a small hostel. The new friend, Oli (Eypor Guojonsson) from Iceland teams up with Paxton (Jay Hernandez) and Josh (Derek Richardson), the two life-long friends from America, for a wild vacation including drugs, partying, and random hook-ups.

Josh, still trying to get over the recent split with his girlfriend, is pushed by Paxton to have a good time and loosen up, as both guys pair up with two local women named Svetlana (Jane Kaderabkova) and Natalya (Barbara Nedeljakova). After a while, Oli disappears, worrying an already suspicious Josh. On the flip-side, Paxton is more concerned with getting the most out of Svetlana and Natalya before returning to America and real life, so Josh agrees to forget about Oli.

But Paxton pressures Sveltana to take him to an “art museum” to find Josh and Oli, after Josh uncharacteristically disappears without saying a word, or leaving a note at the hostel. Svetlana lures Paxton into the art museum, where he learns the truth: the art museum is actually a factory, where rich people from all over the world pay money to a secret organization, so they can torture and kill innocent kidnapped victims. Svetlana and Natalya work for the secret organization, as two women, who seduce and drug their unsuspecting male victims for a hefty finder’s fee. Svetlana and Natalya are responsible for Oli’s death, and Josh’s death at the hands of a Dutch Businessman (Jan Vlasak), who engaged the trio in an awkward encounter on the train to Slovakia. Enraged at the sight of Josh’s mangled corpse, and the sadistic Dutch Businessman, who continues to carve out Josh’s chest in front of him, Paxton tries to attack Svetlana, but two goons grab him for the next client awaiting to torture and kill…..

I guess you can give the nod to Jay Hernandez for the best performance in Hostel. Not a clear cut choice, but everyone else either disappears for a significant amount of time, certain characters are limited to here and there appearances, and Josh and Oli don’t make it to the end. Although, if I had to give an award for runner up, it would go to Jan Vlasak. He’s so creepy and malicious, as The Dutch Businessman. Just watching him eat the deli meat with his hands (because The Dutch Businessman prefers to “use his hands”) on the train is enough to make your skin crawl, and touching Josh on his inner thigh to gauge his fear is another good example. Can’t say too much about Kaderabkova and Nedeljakova. They’re believable as the ditzy European women, who are looking for a good time, and that’s about it.

The gang of young hooligans, who terrorize anyone coming into their territory are good for a few laughs during their brief appearances. They savagely beat, steal from, or torment anyone (mainly American tourists), who refuse to pay the tolls, which include money, candy, or bubble gum for passage.

So why is Hostel so scary? Lots of blood and gore, but no real jump scares, or genuinely spooky atmospherics. Well, I guess you could count the dank torture rooms at the factory. Anyway, Hostel is scary, because of the death trap the main characters unknowingly walk into. Think about it. Young American males, and another older and immature man, who behaves like a frat boy, are in Europe with the hopes of having sex with a bunch of young, unsuspecting, and attractive European women. Blinded by their horniness (again, mainly Oli and Paxton), the men are set up, and two members of  the trio lose their lives.

It sounds like the alpha male fantasy: go to Amsterdam (using Amsterdam as an example, and the story actually starts out there), get wasted, do a bunch of drugs, and have a series of random one-night stands with willing local women, or prostitutes. That’s why Hostel is scary, because when you stop and think about it, there’s some realism behind the motivations of the main characters, and you CAN make connections between the mindsets of guys like Paxton and other American males, who think the same way. Throw in the underground organization with customers, who pay to kill and torture people, the gruesome deaths of Oli and Josh, and you might think twice about going to Europe for a wild ride.

You can also throw in the real life dynamic of a friend (Paxton) pushing another friend, who’s shy, uptight, and nerdy (Josh wears a fanny pack in the beginning) to go out, and break out of his shell. Unbeknownst to Paxton and Oli, Josh actually turns down a prostitute at a brothel, by walking away from her after she removed her bra. Long story short, Josh freaked out at the thought of having sex with her. Josh sort of had his feel good moment of bursting out of the shell with Svetlana later on, but it’s a short-lived moment, because Josh is drugged by Svetlana and tortured to death by The Dutch Businessman.  

Hostel starts out as this harmless story about three guys, who are looking for women, alcohol, and drugs on vacation. Then, everything slowly evolves into Paxton’s deadly fight for survival, while trying to rescue another victim (the woman at the hostel, who lost her friend with Oli, and Paxton returns to rescue her, and cut off her severely damaged eyeball, after a “customer” tortured her).

Hostel will give horror fans everything they ask for, because Eli Roth (the writer and director) doesn’t hold anything back, when it comes to an overflow of blood, gore, nasty torture/death scenes, and just the right amount of nudity (mainly in the beginning). Hostel is capped off with an entertaining suspenseful finale, while Paxton gets  his revenge on The Dutch Businessman at the train station by cutting off his fingers on one hand, and slitting his throat. And Paxton uses a car to get revenge on Svetlana, Natalya, and Alexei  by running them over, killing the three people, who played a part in the deaths of his friends (well, technically, Svetlana was still alive after Paxton hit her with the car the first time, and two associates from the factory actually killed Svetlana by running her over for a second time).

Strange, because the ending I mentioned above wasn’t the original ending (regarding The Dutch Businessman). The original and fixed ending is on the Director’s Cut DVD or Blu-Ray. In the original ending, Paxton kidnaps The Dutch Businessman's daughter at the train station. Paxton doesn’t kill The Dutch Businessman. Instead, he stands in the middle of the train station holding his daughter’s teddy bear, screaming her name, as Paxton rides away with her on another train. It’s fixed, because on Roth’s original ending in his script before he actually filmed it, Paxton murders The Dutch Businessman’s Daughter at the train station, and he flees the scene afterwards. So Roth changed the ending of Paxton murdering the girl to kidnapping her, because murder was too much. After a lukewarm reception for the finished product from the studio and other producers, Roth decided Paxton kidnapping the little girl was not enough, so he changed the original ending. There was a feeling the audience wanted blood and a gruesome death for The Dutch Businessman, because he murdered Paxton’s best friend. On top of that, every evildoer in Hostel suffers a brutal death, so The Dutch Businessman receiving a free pass would’ve disrupted the continuity 

So in the end, Roth came up with the ending of Paxton murdering The Dutch Businessman and escaping (listen to the DVD or Blu-Ray commentary, if you want to actually hear Roth and Tarantino, who is also a producer for Hostel, talk about this), because it was more subtle. Plus, the original ending created too much sympathy for The Dutch Businessman. A wise choice by Roth, because when you look at and compare both endings, Roth’s original ending makes no sense at all.


Rating: 8/10

The Internship (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

Down on their luck and jobless, two watch salesmen take one last shot with an internship program/competition at Google. Nick (Owen Wilson) and Billy (Vince Vaughn) are forced to take a chance after their boss, Sammy (John Goodman) closes the company, cashes out, and moves to Florida. Fed up with being a mattress salesman, Nick is persuaded by Billy to go to Google headquarters, and quit his new job.

Nick and Billy team up with a group of young rejects (or “leftovers”) led by Lyle (Josh Brener). During and after the first challenge, Nick and Billy are ignored and resisted by team members Stuart (Dylan O’Brien), Yo-Yo (Tobit Raphael), and Neha (Tiya Sircar). Plus, Billy and Nick must overcome the stigma of two old-timers wanting a free ride from the Google project manager, Mr. Chetty (Aasif Mandvi).

Eventually, the group comes together under Nick and Billy’s guidance and leadership, as they use their experiences to teach life lessons, helping each insecure team member break out of their shells along the way. But a few distractions could ruin Nick and Billy’s chances for landing a job. Nick is obsessed with Dana (Rose Byrne), a Google executive, and Billy has to deal with the bullying from the rival team leader, Graham (Max Minghella).

As expected, there’s some good chemistry between Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, and their chemistry is the driving force behind The Internship. Max Minghella has his moments as the jerk/snob, who will do anything to get under the skin of someone, who’s beneath him. Rose Byrne is just eye candy for the most part, and her character is kind of dull. There’s a cameo from Will Ferrell (he’s Nick’s boss at the mattress store, and he’s married to Nick’s sister) that didn’t do anything for me, and I was hoping for more John Goodman. No complaints from the cast of kids, who portrayed Nick and Billy’s team members. No one really stood out as their own version of a quirky and nerdy outcast. Well, Tobit Raphael comes close.

The Internship is predictable as predictable can be. You just knew the unlikely team of underdogs would find a way to triumph and defeat Graham’s team somehow. You knew Nick would eventually capture  Dana’s heart, and he did. And you knew Billy, the screw-up, would find his courage to give it another shot after a pep talk from his best friend.

Still, with all that said, I really enjoyed The Internship. Honestly, I thought I would hate this, and I went into this film with very low expectations, but I was wrong. Some will just see a formulaic Hollywood comedy disguised as an overlong ad for all things Google. But I laughed myself into tears a few times, and for the most part, predictability is a problem here, but The Internship throws a few curveballs and surprises at you during the finale.

The Internship is harmless fun, with a handful of good laughs along the way (the fiasco at the strip club is hilarious). Glad I took a chance on this, and hopefully Vaughn and Wilson will team up again in the future.

Rating: 6/10

The Purge (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

In 2022, America is prospering by reaching all-time lows for unemployment and crime rates. The catch? Each year, willing American citizens participate in The Purge, an annual event where all crime, including savage beatings, torture, and murder are legal within a twelve hour period. All emergency services are suspended within the twelve hour period, so American citizens can cleanse themselves of the hatred, aggression, and rage built up inside of them.

In a suburban community, James Sandin (Ethan Hawke), a successful salesman for home security systems that protect unwilling Americans from bloodthirsty Purge enthusiasts, prepares his family for The Purge. Placing a bouquet of blue flowers (blue flowers signify support for The Purge) in front of the house, James lectures his bratty teenage daughter, Zoey (Adelaide Kane) and his young son, Charlie (Max Burkholder), while his wife, Mary (Lena Headey) tries to back him up. Charlie questions the morals behind The Purge, and unbeknownst to James and Mary, Zoey’s older boyfriend, Henry (Tony Oller) snuck into the house during lockdown.

During the early stages of The Purge, when he finally reveals himself, Henry tries to kill James, so he can be with Zoey without any problems, but James fires back with his own gun during the shootout, killing Henry. Although, Henry’s death becomes a minor problem, when Charlie makes a risky choice. Noticing a homeless man and former US soldier begging for help and shelter, Charlie disarms the security system, giving him a chance to come inside the house. But after a few inside tips from unidentified neighbors, The Purge group tracking the homeless man surround at the Sandin’s home, and the leader delivers an ultimatum: The Sandin’s have one hour to release the homeless man, or he will lead his group into the house to kill the homeless man, and the entire Sandin family. 

As usual, Ethan Hawke is a competent leading man. Nothing spectacular, but I always give Hawke credit for being able to hold his own without too much help. Lena Headey provides the most noteworthy performance from the supporting cast. I REALLY want to give more credit to Rhys Wakefield (the clean cut lunatic and prep school kid, who leads his Purge group, and he delivers the ultimatum, aka the guy smiling with the mask in the peephole POV in the trailers and TV spots), but once The Purge group breaks into the house, his character loses a lot of steam. Wakefield had so much potential as the delightful murderer, but this character gets caught up, and eventually lost in the whirlwind of social commentary and The Sandin’s fight for survival.

So murder can solve all of our problems? That’s a flawed message, and James DeMonaco (the writer and director) did a good job of covering this problem from different perspectives. When you get to the core of motivations for different characters participating in The Purge, the answer is the same on all fronts: everyone is using The Purge to feed and justify their own selfish and animalistic desires. The rich snobs, who are trying to kill the homeless man, feel like they’re providing a service to society by getting rid of the homeless “pigs.” Motivated by jealousy, neighbors try and use The Purge as the perfect cover to kill off the entire Sandin family for James’ financial success. And during the beginning, an angry and disgruntled employee brags about his plans to kill his boss on a radio show.

IF The Purge didn’t fall into a predictable step by step process, I would go with a higher score. I’ll give DeMonaco credit for throwing in a nice twist at the very end, but once James decides to do the right thing and fight, you kind of get a good feeling for where the story is going to go. And on top of all that, you can see every “learned lesson” coming from a mile away.

Still, I really enjoyed The Purge as a home invasion thriller. They’re few, far, and between, but DeMonaco provides a handful of hard-hitting and bloody action sequences. More importantly, it’s not an ordinary and boring “random group of weirdos break into a house to torment, and eventually murder the innocent victims” home invasion thriller. The Purge TRIES to be something different, with DeMonaco using the setting of a dystopian America, and forcing everyone into a lawless hellhole to fight for survival.

The Purge was a nice surprise for me, but I have very LOW expectations for the planned sequel. Sorry, but the premise feels like a one and done type of deal to me. Also, I’m shocked another quality film (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2003 and the Friday The 13th remake are my other two picks. Although, others might throw Pain & Gain into the mix.) came out of Michael Bay’s shit factory of a production company known as Platinum Dunes.

Rating: 8/10

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (2011)

**This review contains spoilers**

After developing an obsession for Tom Six’s The Human Centipede (First Sequence), Martin Lomax (Laurence R. Harvey) decides to build his own human centipede. Still living at home with his mother in London, overweight, suffering from asthma, and working as a security guard in a parking garage, Martin is a disturbed man, who suppresses a past of sexual abuse by his jailed father.

With a centipede as his pet, Martin decides to make his dream a reality by acquiring a warehouse (after he kills the seller), and kidnapping victims in the parking garage and his apartment complex to construct his own human centipede with twelve people. Martin shows no mercy, as he kidnaps a pregnant woman, a couple with a baby, and a rowdy neighbor. Feeding his never ending obsession for the First Sequence, Martin plots to kidnap Ashlynn Yennie, and use her as the lead piece for his centipede. Through careful planning and timing, Martin convinces Yennie’s talent agency to lure her into his clutches with the promise of an audition for a Quentin Tarantino movie.

With no medical training, Martin pieces together his crude twelve person human centipede, but Martin runs into unexpected problems after he puts the finishing touches on his gruesome final product……

You’ll probably hate or love The Human Centipede 2, but one thing’s for sure, you won’t forget Martin. Harvey’s physical appearance is enough to make your skin crawl, and the character is one sick freak. He lives alone with a mother, who hates him, and she blames her husband’s imprisonment on him. Martin literally defecates in his own bed, he never speaks one word throughout the movie (just a lot of squealing, grunting, and yelling). Well, he sort of speaks, when he whispers something into someone else’s ear, but you don’t actually hear the dialogue. Martin abuses his genitals with random objects (using sandpaper, barbed wire, etc.), and he constantly tortures the victims in his centipede. Just to give you an example of how bad it is, Martin actually injects each victim in his centipede with a laxative, so he can watch them……well you know what happens next.

I mean, you would think Martin is someone you can feel sympathy for, because of his past, the verbal abuse from his mother, and his psychiatrist, Dr. Sebring (Bill Hutchens) constantly touches him inappropriately to try and lure Martin into a sexual relationship. But Martin is a cold-blooded murder, and he enjoys torturing the victims in his centipede, so any feelings of sympathy fly out of the window pretty quickly.

The rest of the cast is decent enough, but Six puts a lot of focus on Martin, and everyone around Martin is either killed off, put into the centipede, or they don’t receive a significant amount of dialogue.

The Human Centipede 2 is in all black and white 100% of the time, and Tom Six takes a darker approach to the sequel. Dr. Heiter was an evil mad doctor, but Martin is a sick and perverted freak, who will stop at nothing to achieve his goal, while following in the footsteps of his idol (Dr. Heiter the character). Martin is more disgusting, and he acts like a playful child, who walked into a toy store with a ticket for a shopping spree. The gore is more graphic, repulsive, and really, REALLY gruesome. You’ll see a lot of blood, and plenty of gross-out moments in Part 2, so if you have plans to watch this, don’t eat anything during the movie. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Tom Six goes out of his way to be more graphic and vulgar the second time around. The violence, the centipede, the dialogue, and the story. Everything is cranked up to maximum levels here. Six also “breaks the fourth wall” so to speak. Martin is inspired by The Human Centipede (First Sequence), and Ashlynn Yennie isn’t Jenny in the Full Sequence, she’s portrays herself, Ashlynn Yennie the actress. Tom Six’s wink to the fans of the first film provide some good “I remember that” moments, and Ashlynn recalling her experiences on the set of The Human Centipede to Martin during the drive to the “studio” was a cool behind the scenes moment. All in all, it’s a big contrast with The Human Centipede (First Sequence) using the tagline “100% medically accurate,” while the Full Sequence uses “100% medically inaccurate” as its tagline.

But you know what, the nasty and revolting gore overshadows and overwhelms everything in this film. The attempted social commentary, Martin’s backstory, character development, EVERYTHING. Yeah, I understand, Tom Six wanted to go out of his way to be more disgusting, and try his hardest to actually make you puke, but he sacrifices storytelling and a coherent sense of direction for the chances of you possibly picking up a barf bag, or running to the toilet.

The First Sequence had a suspenseful finale, but I can’t say the same thing about the Full Sequence. Towards the end, the victims find a way to tear themselves off of each other, because Martin actually uses duct tape, and regular staples to complete the mouth to anus attachments. Anyway, Martin flips out and starts shooting the victims, killing them. And when he runs out of bullets, he uses a knife to slit the remaining survivor’s throats. The pregnant woman is going into labor, as she runs away, and she actually gives birth while trying to drive a car. And on top of all that, Ashlynn uses a funnel to guide Martin’s pet centipede into his rectum.

Eh, okay. That’s all very gross, but it’s not suspenseful, or interesting to look at it. Problem is, Tom Six tries too hard to gross-out the audience throughout the movie, so by the time you reach the end, everything just feels kind of “meh.” A bad case of overkill, and the sloppy finale was a chore to sit through.  

I usually toss out this warning every now and then, but it holds more weight for the Full Sequence. If you’re the squeamish type, do not, I repeat DO NOT watch this movie. The Full Sequence is loaded with bloody and graphic gore, sickening torture, and a violent rape scene at the end. Need a visual for how bad everything is? Take a good look at the movie poster above. Now magnify the pic of The Human Centipede times ten. Then, imagine twelve fully nude human beings duct taped and stapled to each other mouth to anus, bleeding, sweating, and defecating at the same the time (the repugnant laxative scene).

As far as the rating goes, it’s kind of tricky for me. I’ve seen a lot of nasty stuff, but The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) is probably the most disgusting, disturbing, obscene, nasty, and depraved horror film I’ve ever seen. It’s funny, because Tom Six is already bragging about going to the next level with the gross stuff for The Human Centipede Part 3. I guess that’s my big problem with Full Sequence. Six sacrificed sensible direction and competent storytelling for the sake of topping all the weird and disgusting stuff in the first film, with the hopes of SHOCKING the audience, and grossing everybody out as much as possible. I can’t count the number of times I said “no, he‘s not going to….oh you gotta be kidding me, he actually did” out loud during the movie.

So yeah, in the end, the Full Sequence is torture porn personified. If you wants lots of blood, violent deaths, and nasty gore, the Full Sequence won’t disappoint you at all. But you’ll have a lot of trouble finding the plot, or a meaning behind the film after you dig through the chunks of flesh, splatters of blood, and dismembered carcasses. I’m sure I’ll never forget The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) for as long as I live, but for me, that‘s not enough to give Tom Six the proverbial pat on the back or thumbs up.

Rating: 1/10

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (2010)

**This review contains spoilers**

In Germany, the sadistic and obsessive Dr. Josef Heiter (Dieter Laser) plans to make a human centipede using three kidnapped victims. Dr. Heiter is a retired and famous surgeon known for specializing in the separation of Siamese twins, but Dr. Heiter wants to take another shot at putting a centipede together.

After a failed experiment using three dogs, Dr. Heiter turns to humans. Lindsay (Ashley C. Williams) and Jenny (Ashlynn Yennie) are two American tourists, looking for a nightclub named Bunker, but a flat tire strands them in a desolate forest near Dr. Heiter’s secluded house. Noticing the lights in Dr. Heiter’s house, Lindsay and Jenny decide to come in with hopes of making a phone call. But Dr. Heiter poisons their water, and in a matter of moments, Jenny is out cold, and Dr. Heiter uses more sedatives in a syringe to knock out Lindsay, who refused to drink all of her water.

Dr. Heiter murders a kidnapped truck driver the next morning, because he wasn’t a good match for the centipede. Katsuro (Akihiro Kitamura), a Japanese tourist, is the truck driver’s replacement. After a gruesome surgery, Dr. Heiter completes his centipede with Jenny’s mouth sewed into Lindsay’s anus, and Katsuro in the lead position, with Lindsay‘s mouth sewed into his anus. Dr. Heiter basks in the glory of fulfilling his dream, but a  surprise visit from Detective Kranz (Andreas Leupold) and Detective Voller (Peter Blankenstein) will force the doctor to change his upcoming plans for replacing a sick Jenny.

Ashley C. Williams and Ashlynn Yennie are believable as the airheaded American tourists, who are looking for a wild party. Well, character wise, Lindsay is a little bit smarter than Jenny, because Lindsay was smart enough to not drink the full glass of water from the creepy recluse in the woods. Anyway, once they’re sewn together, Williams and Yennie’s performances are limited to muffled screams and crying. Kitamura is the angry and vocal mouthpiece in the centipede, because…..well he’s the only one, who can actually speak. Kitamura hurls insults, and he bites Dr. Heiter in defiance, but Katsuro has a moment of clarity (more on that later) at the end.

But Dieter Laser easily delivers the best performance here. Laser is genuinely evil with a cold and vicious demeanor. He plays the mad doctor role to perfection, and he really nailed the “hateful recluse with a disdain for mankind” side of Dr. Heiter’s personality. During the beginning, Dr. Heiter is asked why he lives alone, and isn’t married. His response? “I hate human beings.” Laser was so serious, and the emotionless look on his face was spot on. That’s a convincing performance, because  I SERIOUSLY believed him, when he said this.

Tom Six (the writer and director for this film) spares no expense for disgusting gore and bloody violence. The surgery for the centipede is graphic, bloody, and the aftermath for the fully functioning centipede is more repulsive and disgusting. I say this a lot, but if you’re not into nasty horror, you should stay away from this film.

But with all his nastiness and vile attempts to make you puke, Tom Six delivers a surprisingly suspenseful finale. Once the detectives come into the picture at the end, and threaten to return with a search warrant, The Human Centipede kicks into high gear. Everything comes at you so fast. Katsuro grabbing the surgical knife to use as a weapon against Dr. Heiter, Katsuro pushing Jenny and Lindsay to crawl to an escape, and the bloody shootout between Dr. Heiter and the detectives. And out of nowhere, Katsuro has this revelation about his current predicament. Katsuro remembers how poorly he treated his mother and father, and he abandoned his only child. After his recollection, and truly believing he deserves his punishment, Katsuro uses a piece of glass to slit his own throat.

Six throws so many surprises at you towards the end, and I was on the edge of my seat, because I had no idea who would die and who would survive. Well, I guess Jenny is an exception for surprises, because after the infection, she was the first and only obvious choice for a countdown to death.      

The Human Centipede is a gruesome and grotesque surgical horror film with plenty of gross-out and hard-to-watch moments, and a suspenseful third act. But yeah, if you’re not into gross horror flicks, don’t waste your time with this one, because chances are you’ll hate The Human Centipede (First Sequence).

Rating: 8/10

Cloverfield (2008)

**This review contains spoilers**

In New York City, Rob (Michael Stahl-David) is preparing to take a new job in Japan, so his brother, Jason (Mike Vogel) and Jason’s girlfriend, Lily (Jessica Lucas) decide to throw him a surprise going-away party. Rob’s best friend, Hud (T.J. Miller) is the camera man, who films everything, including good-bye speeches from all of Rob’s friends.

But the party takes an awkward turn, when Rob’s longtime friend, Beth (Odette Yustman) shows up with another guy named Travis (Ben Feldman). In the hallway outside of his apartment, Rob and Beth exchange some harsh words in a heated argument. Recently, Rob and Beth had a one-night stand, and to Rob’s disappointment, Beth didn’t have any plans to take their relationship to the next level afterwards. Furious, Rob wishes Travis “good luck,” as he leaves the party with an angry and embarrassed Beth.

After Rob’s blowup with Beth, a series of random explosions and thunderous roars end the party. Rob, Jason, Lily, Hud, and a mutual friend named Marlena (Lizzy Caplan) run outside to join the crowd of panicked New Yorkers. Suddenly, the head from the Statue Of Liberty rolls down the street, and eventually, Rob, Jason, Lily, Hud, and Marlena learn the shocking truth: a giant monster is wreaking havoc in New York City, destroying everything in its path.

As they try to escape on the Brooklyn Bridge, the monster attacks, destroying the bridge, and killing Jason in the process. Rob receives a voice mail from Beth, pleading with him to come to her apartment, and rescue her before the monster returns. Using guilt and the possibility of one last chance to tell Beth how he truly feels as motivation, Rob leads, Lily, Hud, and Marlena through New York and the monster’s path of destruction to find and save Beth before it’s too late.

T.J. Miller provides some much needed comic relief in Cloverfield. Hud is responsible for 90% of the humor in Cloverfield (you could give the other ten to Lizzy Caplan. Marlena’s argument with Hud in the subway about Superman and Garfield is hilarious), and Miller gives you a break from the constant “OH MY GOD!” or “WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THE MONSTER!” hysteria from the rest of the cast. No real complaints about performance quality from this cast, because I can’t think of anyone, who was noticeably bad, or someone that “dropped the ball” so to speak.

Most found-footage films abuse the shaky cam crap, and unfortunately, Cloverfield is no different. The nauseating and convulsive shaky cam style is annoying, BUT Matt Reeves (the director) deserves some credit for not showing too much in Cloverfield. Yeah, you’ll see a full view of the mini monsters (the big monster releases little monsters from its body to help destroy New York City) before the end, but you don’t actually see full close-ups of the big monster until the very end. The conserved approach keeps you guessing throughout the whole movie. What is this thing? What does it look like? How big is it? Depending on what scares you and what doesn’t scare you, the final close-up reveals for the monster might shock, or disappoint you. Either way, you’ll want to stick around until the end, because with all the teasing, you’ll reach a point where you have to see what the monster looks like.

One of the main reasons why I still have a strange obsession with Cloverfield is, because ’til this day, I can still vividly remember the marketing campaign. It was so mysterious and vague, but I couldn’t fight the urge. I HAD to see this movie. The trailers and TV spots barley showed anything, but the little they did show was enough to hook me in (explosions, firefights with the military, the head from the Statue Of Liberty rolling down the street, etc.). And like a week before the movie hit, they started a countdown with the TV spots, and they added the words “we fight back” on the release date for the movie. You were lead to believe you were going to see an action packed and epic found-footage film, that showed mankind’s last stand against some evil and unstoppable force. To add to all of this, in the preliminary stages, they marketed Cloverfield as 1-18-08 (the release date). It felt like a big event, and you knew you just had to be in a theater to watch Cloverfield on this date.

Although, when it comes to Cloverfield’s marketing campaign, it’s kind of a double-edged sword. They did a wonderful job of hyping up the movie and the mystery behind Cloverfield to the point, where you had to see it no matter what. But the trailers and TV spots were VERY misleading. Yeah, the military fights, and drops bombs on the monster with “Operation Hammer Down” at the end, but that’s the problem. The leading cast isn’t fighting the monster, the military is. And on top of that, the “fighting the monster to save New York and the world” storyline is just used as a backdrop for the main story: Rob, Lily, Hud, and Marlena are risking their lives to rescue Beth, and save her before the monster returns. Don’t be fooled. Rob going after Beth, and falling in love with her again towards the end is the main story. Fighting the monster takes a backseat as a sub-plot. The camera constantly malfunctioning throughout the movie, and showing flashbacks of Rob and Beth together is a prime example of this.

And speaking of Rob, character wise, he’s a real bitch. He risks the lives of his friends to save Beth, and of course, Marlena is attacked and bitten by one of the mini monsters in the subway. When they finally make it to a military checkpoint, Marlena succumbs to the venom from the monster, and to avoid an outbreak of the infection, the soldiers have to kill her on the spot. AND when Lily, Hud, and Rob go outside, Hud starts crying over Marlena’s death. Long story short, Hud had a crush on Marlena, and they actually started to develop a bond before and after the bite. Anyway, like a dick, Rob rushes Lily and Hud, as Hud continues to sob, refusing to give Hud a brief moment to grieve, because you know, “WE HAVE TO SAVE BETH AND TIME IS RUNNING OUT!” So Rob, Lily, Hud, and a wounded Beth make it to the last set of helicopters leaving New York. Lily gets into one, and flies off. Rob, Hud, and Beth get into another helicopter, but the monster swats it to the ground. And guess what? The monster kills Hud on the ground.

None of this would’ve happened, if Rob didn’t decide to risk the lives of his friends to save Beth, and for me, Rob is easily the most unlikeable character in this movie. Yeah, I know. For those of you that watched Cloverfield, Rob gave his friends a choice to go with the military, so Rob could rescue Beth by himself, or come with him to rescue Beth, but come on now. Rob already knew the answers before he asked the questions. Lily is your brother’s girlfriend, Marlena is a real friend, and Hud is your best friend. Real friends wouldn’t let one of their own walk through a ravaged city with a monster running around alone.

Some of the deaths are unreal in Cloverfield. When the soldiers kill Marlena, they drag her into this room with a curtain. Behind the curtain, they show the silhouette of Marlena being put into position by soldiers and doctors, and then, in the blink of an eye, a splatter of blood splashes against the curtain, as Hud cuts away with the camera. The other is Jason’s death on the Brooklyn Bridge. He’s standing over the crowd trying to get Rob’s attention from the other side. The monster attacks, and out of nowhere, a huge hunk of the bridge falls, and crushes him instantly. A handful of jaw-dropping moments in Cloverfield, but those two stand out amongst everything else.

So with all my complaining and nitpicking, I still enjoy Cloverfield. It’s an intense and shocking found-footage monster movie with a few crafty action sequences. It doesn’t matter how many times I watch it, the beginning to Cloverfield hooks me in, and after that, I have to stick around until the end.

Oh, and a little extra tidbit. Pay close attention to the final home movie with Rob and Beth on the Ferris wheel at the end. Look in the background at the ocean, and you can see the monster falling from the sky, and dropping into the water. It happens quick, and it’s kind of small (because the view of the background is out of focus), but if you look real close, you can see how the monster came to Earth, and eventually New York City. I’ve probably seen this movie six times or more, and I just caught it on my most recent viewing.  

Rating: 7/10