The Loved Ones (2009)

Heartbroken over his father’s death, Brent (Xaiver Samuel) hides his pain by cutting himself in the torso, and smoking marijuana. Brent’s overprotective mother, Carla (Suzi Dougherty)  tries to provide comfort, but Brent fights his mother’s ongoing mission to shield him from the real world.

Distant and anti-social, Brent finds solace in his girlfriend, Holly (Victoria Thaine), as they prepare to go to the senior prom together. One day, Brent receives a random and unexpected request for a date to the prom. A shy and nervous Lola (Robin McLeavy) asks Brent to the prom, but Brent politely refuses.

In an attempt to clear his head before the prom, Brent spends some time alone at a secret hideaway. But Lola’s father attacks him from behind, and he kidnaps Brent. Brent awakes tied to a chair in Lola’s house. Lola’s father or “Daddy” (John Brumpton) has set up a prom-like atmosphere. Lola is the Princess, and whether he likes it or not, Brent is the King. Brent has to play along with Lola’s prom, or he will suffer a slow and agonizing death.

The entire cast is spot on. McLeavy is the perfect psycho, Brumpton is believable, as the deranged and loyal father,  and Samuel nails the Brent character. He’s a broken high school student, who can’t let go of the past, and for me, Samuel was the highlight of this cast. And she doesn’t speak a word in this film, but you can’t ignore Anne Scott-Pendlebury’s (Bright Eyes/Lola’s mother) unsettling presence.

Director Sean Byrne spares no expense for gory violence. Lola literally drills a hole in Brent’s head, Brent’s feet are nailed to the floor, and Daddy threatens to nail Brent’s penis to the chair, when Brent refuses to pee inside a glass. If you’re looking for lots of blood and guts, The Loved Ones won’t disappoint you at all.

I don’t have any major complaints about Byrne’s directing, but his screenplay? That’s another issue. Why, and I mean WHY in the name of all things holy did Lola and Daddy torture Brent? Lola is a fragile young girl, that’s obvious, but fuck, you have to really hate someone to kidnap and torture them. Sorry, but the “you won’t go with me to the prom!” stuff is not good enough, and I couldn’t buy into Lola’s motivations for torturing Brent.

Plus, the story takes a wild turn towards the end. After labeling Brent a “frog,” Lola decides her father is the true love of her life? That’s right, so after torturing this poor kid, she suddenly DECIDES she’s in love with her father. And Byrne cuts away from it at after a distraction from Brent, but Lola was clearly about to kiss her father on the lips during the King and Queen dance.

And to add another bizarre layer to this story, Lola and her father apparently have a habit of kidnapping and torturing young guys/potential prom dates. Beneath the floor in her house, Lola has a secret pit that houses mutilated teenage guys (or “frogs“). Also, after suffering through the torture from Lola and Daddy, the mutilated teens become bloodthirsty cannibals? Again, WHY? Can anyone else think of a legit reason to hold cannibals in Lola’s house? I tried to think of an answer, but I couldn’t come up with one.

Plus, Byrne adds this fucking stupid and pointless storyline with two other high school kids. The guy is a shy and uptight pothead, and his date is a depressed and creepy goth chick. Byrne WASTED so much time with both characters, because they don’t serve a purpose for the main story arc.

The Loved Ones is loaded with sickening bloody gore and sadistic torture scenes, and the bloody stuff is more than capable of bringing a few squirms out of you, but the story is an unfocused mess. An illogical kidnapping and torture storyline devolves into a brief and creepy incest love story between Lola and Daddy. And it didn’t work for me, but Byrne tries to compensate for the shabby story with an endless amount of gross-out moments.

I honestly can’t understand the praise for this film. The Loved Ones has a 97% on Rotten Tomatoes, and the vast majority of horror fans worship this piece of shit. Don’t buy into the hype, because The Loved Ones is not a modern day horror classic at all.

Final Rating: 1/10

The Caller (2011)

**This review contains spoilers**

Trying to escape her abusive ex-husband, Mary (Rachelle Lefevre) moves into a new apartment. Mary develops a strange obsession with an antique phone in the apartment, and soon enough, Mary receives calls from a woman named Rose (Lorna Raver). At first, Mary enjoys Rose’s company, but Rose’s friendly calls quickly turn into a series of vicious threats.

Mary seeks help from her new neighbor George (Luis Guzman), and a teacher/friend named John (Stephen Moyer), but when Mary accuses Rose of time travel, her story becomes more difficult to believe. Steven’s (Mary’s ex-husband) defiance against the restraining takes a backseat to Mary’s major problem, when Rose starts killing off the people closest to Mary in the past. After pressuring George into giving her some answers, Mary learns the devastating truth about her apartment’s history: years ago, Rose lived in Mary’s apartment, and as the jealous and controlling wife, Rose suddenly murdered her husband one night. Mary is running out of solutions for her bizarre problem, and the situation takes a drastic turn for the worst, when Rose finds Mary as a child in the past…..

Nobody gives an outstanding or terrible performance worthy of individual recognition here, but The Caller features a capable cast overall.

You might enjoy The Caller…..if you can buy into the story, and believe me, that’s easier said than done. First of all, I had a problem with Rose locating Mary’s friends/lovers in the past. How is it possible? Except for first names, Mary didn’t reveal any crucial details (last names, address numbers, etc.). And how did Rose find Mary as a child in the past? I can understand if Mary lived in Rose’s apartment complex as a child, but she didn’t. In the past, Rose uses hot cooking oil to burn Mary as a child, and of course, the wounds appear on adult Mary’s body. Mary’s burns could’ve been the “OH MY GOD THAT WAS SICK!” gross-out moment of the film, but I couldn’t look past the plot holes for Rose finding Mary as a child.

But wait, it gets better! Towards the very end of the film, Rose is fed up with Mary’s games and lies (earlier in the film, Mary tries to trick Rose into a fatal accident during a phone conversation), so she decides to travel to the present to kill Mary, and she shows up at Mary‘s front door? Um, okay, how is this possible??? Did Mary use some kind of secret time machine? Because the story NEVER explains how Rose was able to travel through time, come to the present, and try to kill Mary. And more importantly, if Rose was capable of traveling through time from the start, then why didn’t she use time travel to kill Mary in the first place? Instead, she wastes time threatening Mary via phone calls, giving Mary a chance to come up with a strategy to kill her? That doesn’t make sense at all.

And speaking of the ending, it was kind of ridiculous. So Rose shows up to Mary’s apartment in the future. She’s trying to break through the front door, and finish Mary off once and for all. Out of panic and desperation, Mary picks up the antique phone, and she calls herself as a child in the past. In the past, Rose kidnaps Mary as a child, but the child version of Mary is the only hope for Mary in the future. Yeah, I know it’s more confusing and off the wall than it sounds. Anyway, after gaining the trust of Mary in the past, future Mary convinces child Mary to pick up a piece of broken glass, and kill Rose in the past? So now there’s two adult Roses, and somehow they’re capable of being in two time periods at once? Okay then. Child Mary eventually finds Rose in the past, and she kills her with the broken piece of glass. Rose in the future suddenly disappears, and future Mary orders child Mary to go home.

The Caller features a VERY shaky story, and if you can’t buy into it, you’ll probably hate this film, it’s just that simple. It’s annoying and baffling, but you know what, I’m not going with a negative score here. The Caller is a trainwreck from beginning to end, but I couldn’t pull myself away from this trainwreck. The Caller is a nonsensical mess, but this film was able to hold my attention, and I wanted to know what happened next. I was hooked into every dumbfounding twist and turn, and she’s not too bright, but I rooted for Mary’s survival. It’s not a unique or sophisticated suspense thriller, but I’m giving The Caller a “guilty pleasure” pass.

Final Rating: 5/10

Django Unchained (2012)

So after three years of waiting for his next film, I FINALLY watched Django Unchained last night.

As expected, the acting was just phenomenal, and Tarantino is a master of assembling the perfect cast. Jamie Foxx really nailed Django, and yes, he was believable as a bad ass. The whipping scars and his scruffy hair-do helped pull everything together, but Foxx really put his heart and soul into this character. Christoph Waltz's performance as Dr. King Schultz resembled Hans Landa from Inglorious Basterds. You know, the devious and sophisticated gentlemen with a nasty side. Of course, Schultz is one of the good guys here. And she doesn't speak too much, but Kerry Washington did a wonderful job of using her body language to express fear and anxiety through a series of facial expressions.

The Brittle Brothers and Big Daddy (Don Johnson) don't last long, but when their characters appear, Leo and Sam Jackson make up for the void of lost bad guys. Sam Jackson didn't just deliver his best performance in a Quentin Tarantino film, this is the best performance I've seen from him in any film. Stephen is the sniveling and loyal house for slave for Calvin Candie (Leo). He's they type of antagonist that you can hate and pity, and Stephen provides a few laughs every now and then.

And Leonardo DiCaprio was just fantastic as Calvin Candie. Candie is the merciless and powerful slave owner. Leo has a strong presence on screen, as this delightfully evil slave owner, and his intense and charismatic performance is so fun to watch. Plus, the woman, who plays Calvin's ditzy and snobbish sister (can't find her name) deserves some credit for the A+ cast of antagonists.

For me, Django was an upgrade over Inglorious Basterds. I won't put it up on the pedestal with Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs. It's in the pack with Kill Bill Vol. 1 and Jackie Brown, and that's not bad at all. Tarantino didn't revolutionize the Western genre with this film, but Django is an enjoyable revenge flick.

And now it's time for my major gripe with this film. I don't know about everyone else, but I hard time getting into the mentorship/training storyline with Django and Schultz. I understand the reasons behind Tarantino wanting to show Django's road to being a bad ass, but the initial storyline between Schultz and Django just drags and drags, and truth be told, it's very uninteresting at times. It wasn't unbearably bad, but Django Unchained doesn't kick into high gear until Candie and Stephen come into the picture.

Django Unchained is brutal, bloody, violent, funny, and Tarantino spares no expense for the hard to watch moments in this film. The dialogue is sharp, and the "we can't see anything through these masks!" scene with Jonah Hill, and Don Johnson is hilarious. And Tarantino's cameo is just priceless. Although, I wish I could've seen more of Walton Goggins, because he doesn't appear until the end.

Also, as far as the music goes, with the exception of "Ain't No Grave," and the opening Django theme, everything else was sub par. I'm not 100% certain, but I'm pretty sure I heard a Tupac song during the final shootout/Django's last stand, but it wasn't something to remember.

Final Rating: 9/10

EXTRA TIDBIT: After thinking it over for a day, I've come to conclusion that Django Unchained deserves a higher score, so I'm bumping it up one point! 

The Dictator (2012)

The North African Republic of Wadiya could be the next target of a military invasion, and their refusal to remove nuclear weapons might start a disastrous war. Admiral General Hafez Aladeen (Sacha Baron Cohen) is the stubborn dictator, who refuses to obey the demands from the United Nations Security Council. Eventually, Aladeen arrives in New York City, and he will give a speech at UN headquarters. Aladeen agrees to address the situation, but he has no intentions of changing his mind. But Aladeen’s sudden kidnapping disrupts his initial plans. Aladeen loses his trademark beard, and he must thwart a plot to destroy his image. Aladeen will have to live life as a normal American citizen, and he must earn the trust of an environmentalist/activist named Zoey (Anna Faris) to regain his identity and leadership of Wadiya, or Aladeen will just become another normal guy in the states.

Sacha Baron Cohen’s impressive character transformations are fun to watch. Cohen has the ability to immerse himself in any type of character, and I can always believe him as the person I see on-screen. In Borat, I didn’t see Sacha Baron Cohen, I saw a rude and insensitive reporter from Kazakstani. In Brüno, I didn’t see Cohen, I saw a flamboyant Austrian fashion reporter and a proud gay man. And when it comes to The Dictator, I saw a selfish and immature dictator, who whined like a petulant child, when he didn’t get his way. Baron Cohen takes all of his movie personas VERY seriously, and he rarely breaks character in the real world. Baron Cohen’s incident involving Ryan Seacrest during the red carpet show for the Oscars this year is a prime example of his dedication, and when the situation became serious, Cohen STAYED in character, acting as if he did nothing wrong. He’s like a wrestler from the old school, who refuses to break kayfabe outside of the ring; it’s really something to admire, when you stop and think about it.

The mockumentary style of filmmaking has become a trademark for Baron Cohen’s films, that feature him in a starring role. Well, The Dictator sticks to this particular style of filmmaking at first, but as time progresses, The Dictator begins to develop an actual storyline: Aladeen must uncover the mystery of his disappearance, and with the help of Zoey and his hand picked nuclear weapons specialist from Wadiya, Aladeen will fight to regain his identity. I enjoyed the transition from a documentary style film to an actual comedy with a plot, because it made everything feel different. I love Sacha Baron Cohen, but the “realistic” style of filmmaking featured in his movies can feel tiresome after a while, and the slight change feels refreshing.

The Dictator features a good amount of raunchy and vulgar humor, and you have to expect this from a Baron Cohen film. The Dictator is a hilarious comedy, that features consistent laughs, and the acting is pretty damn good. Baron Cohen delivered another enjoyable performance, and Anna Faris was very solid here. Faris was this cheery hippie, but she could also showcase the passionate activist side of the Zoey character. Ben Kingsley was a fine choice for the Tamir character, but the lack of John C. Reilly did bother me a little bit. You might feel the irony during Baron Cohen’s speech towards the very end, as he explains the differences between a dictatorship and a democracy, but The Dictator deserves a place amongst high quality comedies in 2012 regardless. Oh, and the cameos from Megan Fox and Edward Norton were just great, especially Norton’s surprise appearance.

Final Rating: 7/10

Dark Tide (2012)

**This review contains spoilers**

Kate Mathieson (Halle Berry) enjoys her life, as a highly skilled marine biologist and diver. Kate earned a well respected reputation as the “shark whisperer” during her swimming adventures with Great White Sharks, but during a routine dive, Kate makes a fatal mistake. Her incorrect command causes the death of a friend and fellow diver, and Kate can’t escape the guilt of this tragic accident.

One year later, Kate is trying to move on, and pick up the broken pieces in her life. Kate is the owner of boat tour service in Cape Town, South Africa, but Kate can’t handle the thought of dealing with sharks anymore. Instead, she gives tours for the more friendly sea creatures (seals, whales, dolphins, etc.), but past due bills are becoming a serious problem. Kate is desperate, broke, and down on her luck, but her husband/business partner could provide some much needed help. Jeff Mathieson (Oliver Martinez) has found a rich and cocky client, who is willing to spend a lot of money for a sea tour….but Brady Ross (Ralph Brown) wants to see sharks, and Kate‘s expert guidance is required. Brady is more than willing to take the risk, but Kate isn’t ready to deal with sharks again. She can’t escape the memories of the attack, and she continues to hold a grudge against Jeff, but Kate needs the money, so she agrees to do the tour. But the simple tour eventually takes a turn for the worst, and Kate will have to face her fears of sharks, because returning to the water becomes an inescapable life or death decision.

Boring. This is the one word I would use to describe Dark Tide. This was supposed to be a suspense/thriller, but trying to stay awake during this film was a real test. I almost fell asleep three of four times, because Dark Tide couldn’t provide any real suspense or thrills for me. John Stockwell’s horribly bland style of directing really hurt this film, and Dark Tide just goes through the motions the entire time. You can see everything coming from a mile away, and for me, Dark Tide didn’t provide an enjoyable ride to the end. Dark Tide has a runtime of one hour and fifty-four minutes, and you will feel every second of it, because this film just drags along, and the painful boredom caused too many facepalms for me. “OH GOD, WHEN WILL THIS END!?!?!” This is the one question I kept asking myself throughout this film, because the story for Dark Tide doesn’t feature a lot of depth. Nearly two hours was too much to handle, and they really didn’t need this much time to explain the shallow and thin story for Dark Tide.

For the most part, the acting is solid enough. Halle Berry, Oliver Martinez, and Ralph Brown provided the bulk of enjoyable performances. Berry wasn’t bad as the leading lady here, but she wasn’t the true star of this film. That honor goes to Ralph Brown. Brady was the rich, narcissistic, asshole, who loved to throw his weight around, and Brown’s performance was just excellent. Again, Berry wasn’t bad in the lead role, but she was upstaged by Ralph Brown here. There’s no doubt about it.

Also, I couldn’t buy into Kate’s struggle here. Kate was supposed to be this traumatized woman, who couldn’t let go of the past, and she couldn’t overcome her fear of sharks, but I couldn’t sense any sort of conflict in this character. Berry doesn’t show any strong emotions until the very end of the film. Considering the circumstances surrounding her character, I should’ve been able to feel strong feelings of sympathy towards Kate, but I couldn’t. Berry managed to deliver a solid performance, but at times, I couldn’t escape this “she’s just mailing it in” feeling.

And Kate’s unbelievably stupid decision towards the end did provide a jaw-dropping moment for me, but not for good reasons, though.

Okay, so Kate is terrified of sharks, and she can’t escape the guilt of causing someone else’s death. Well, we’re in the final moments of the film, and Brady has become a real jerk. He can’t smoke a cigarette to calm his nerves (Kate doesn’t allow smoking on her boat, but she doesn’t have a problem, when Jeff lights up a cigarette? Okay then.), and Kate won’t allow him to swim with the sharks. If Brady goes in the water, he MUST stay in a cage. This is Kate’s #1 rule. But Brady wants to be a rebel, and he continues to push Kate’s buttons. After Brady’s taunting and an intense argument with Jeff, Kate decides to take the crew (which includes Brady’s son, Luke) to a different location. The new location is FILLED with sharks, Kate has been pushed over the edge, and she wants to prove herself to Brady and Jeff.

Kate tries to showcase her new found courage, but the boat runs into a series of rough waves. Kate’s boat eventually flips over, and the hungry sharks begin to close in. Kate’s goofy and trusted friend (apparently, he’s in charge of safety on Kate’s boat, and no, I don‘t care to know his name.) loses his life during a shark attack. Brady tries to avoid one of the shark attacks, but he suffers one of the more gruesome deaths here. In the end, Kate, Jeff, and Luke (Luke Tyler) survive, and they’re able to find safe shelter inside a liferaft, as they await a much needed rescue mission.

So let me get this straight. At the beginning of the film, Kate is responsible for the death of a teammate. Then, towards the end of the film, she causes TWO more deaths? Really??? Yeah, I get it. Brady and Jeff pushed her over the edge, and she had to prove herself. But why would you lead an innocent group of people towards shark infested waters? You’re a marine biologist, who specializes in sharks. You know what could happen, and you know the incredible risk involved. Plus, you already survived an incident, that involved a death caused by a shark attack, and you STILL take everyone towards the sharks regardless? Unbelievable.

In the end, the Kate character didn’t learn anything, and she didn’t find any redemption. And how could she overcome her fears of sharks? After all, she did cause the deaths of two more people, and her stupid decision was the main the reason for their demise. The boredom was bad enough, and Dark Tide’s nonsensical screenplay just made everything worse.


Dark Tide is a dull and boring suspense thriller, that features too many long-drawn-out conversations/arguments, and I really didn’t care about any of the characters in this film. I couldn’t get into the story, and the ending really doesn’t make any sense at all. A few brutal and bloody shark attacks/kills towards the end did help this rating a little bit, and they did throw in somemoments of suspense at the end, but I can’t forget about the rest of the film. Dark Tide is just terrible, and this film deserves all of its harsh treatment. It’s a shame, because Dark Tide has a simple enough premise for an enjoyable suspense/thriller, but the screenplay and John Stockwell’s style of directing ruined this film.

Halle Berry is the same woman, who won the Oscar for Best Actress ten years ago, right? For years Berry relied on her sex appeal, but her good looks didn’t win the Oscar for Monster’s Ball. No. It was raw talent, and Berry did give an outstanding effort in Monster’s Ball. But when I take a look at Berry’s body of work, I‘m going to think of someone, who fits the profile of a “one hit wonder.” Her work in the 90’s is VERY forgettable, she has to be remembered as the most uninteresting Bond girl (Die Another Day), and she can’t take any credit for the first two X-Men films. After winning the Oscar for Monster’s Ball, Berry’s career sunk to embarrassing lows. She’s been caught in an awful downward spiral for years. This is an indisputable fact. Perfect Stranger and Catwoman were horrendous (especially Catwoman), and Things We Lost In The Fire was an unbearable piece of melodramatic trash. Also, having a part in New Year’s Eve didn’t help anything. Unlike the overwhelming majority of the critics, I actually enjoyed Gothika. It was an enjoyable horror flick, that featured an incredible and shocking twist, but one film isn’t enough.

Berry isn’t an awful actress. She’s solid enough, and she does look pretty good for a forty-five year old woman, but the vast majority of her career isn’t impressive at all. She’s starred in so many bad films (can’t forget about B.A.P.S), and Catwoman is a potential career killer. Hell, Berry actually showed up to accept her Razzie Award for the Worst Actress in person. Actresses and actors accepting their Razzie Award in person is a very rare occurrence (for obvious reasons), and Berry willingly showing up to accept this award should tell you something about Catwoman. Catwoman was atrocious, and it’s hard to argue against Berry’s win for Worst Actress, but Dark Tide almost out ranks Catwoman for the #1 spot of worst films on Berry’s resume. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Final Rating: 1/10

D.E.B.S (2004)

D.E.B.S is supposed to be a campy film, but this one just didn’t do it for me. The D.E.B.S are supposed to be this fierce and tough fighting force, but I just saw a group of young and goofy women. I know, I know, that’s supposed to be “the joke” but I just couldn‘t get into it.

Megan Good is supposed to be the tough girl of the group, but I had hard time buying her character. Sara Foster is supposed to be the crown jewel of the D.E.B.S(the all female fighting force) but I could never buy into her character. She was supposed to be the best of the best, but she just comes off as this ditzy and clumsy person. Also, she wasn’t a good choice for the lead role in this film, because there were times were here acting was REALLY bad, and she isn‘t the most attractive female lead.

There are a few laughs here and there, but D.E.B.S fails to deliver. Foster’s character begins to fall in love with Lucy Diamond, and throughout the film, she struggles with her decision to do the right thing. Foster was trying to find herself, but her struggle is very uninteresting, and I could tell how this one was going to end. They try to throw some twists at you, but I always knew Foster’s character would follow her heart. 

Jordana Brewster is gorgeous here, and I enjoyed her as the “super villain” Lucy Diamond. In fact, Brewster’s character was the only one who I could get into when I was watching this, because she did have some nice comedy moments. This film does have a nice set of attractive women, but D.E.B.S was a real disappointment for me. If you just want to see a bunch of attractive women(minus Foster, because I thought she was borderline hideous) who wear skimpy schoolgirl outfits act out a bunch of shitty action scenes, then you might enjoy this.

Final Rating: 1/10

247°F (2011)

**This review contains spoilers**

Three years after losing her boyfriend in a tragic car accident, Jenna (Scout Taylor-Compton) agrees to go on a vacation with her best friend Renee (Christina Ulloa). Jenna joins Renee, her boyfriend Michael (Michael Copon), and Michael’s friend Ian (Travis Van Winkle) at a lakeside cabin. Ian’s uncle, Wade (Tyler Mane) owns the cabin, and his custom-built sauna is the main attraction.

After swimming in the cold lake, Ian urges everyone to enjoy the sauna. Although, Michael’s obnoxious drunk behavior upsets Renee, so Michael leaves the sauna. Frustrated and tired of the heat, Renee tries to leave, but something from the outside is blocking the door to the sauna. Jenna is without her anti-depressant medication, Ian tries to reassure his friends, but Renee panics, and things only get worse, when the sauna’s temperature controls malfunction after a careless mistake. Wade is producing a local fireworks show, and Michael is trying to sleep off his hangover. Breaking the window on the Sauna door provides some temporary relief, but the survivors are running out of water and time.

Seeing Scout Taylor-Compton and Tyler Mane on the same screen together again provided a great geek-out moment for me. Scout Taylor-Compton was the new Laurie Strode in Rob Zombie's Halloween films, and Tyler Mane played Michael Myers. Man, seeing Mane without the mask felt so weird.

Anyway, Scout Taylor-Compton delivers the best performance. Compton is convincing, and she really nailed Jenna’s fragile personality. Travis Van Winkle is OKAY at best, and his over the top “I’M GOING CRAZY!” tirade at the end couldn’t elevate his performance. With the exception of a nervous breakdown at the end, Michael Copon’s lifeless performance is painful to watch. Christina Ulloa is decent enough, but her character is very annoying. And Wade is a terrible person (an uncle, who gives homemade alcohol and weed to teens, and he’s related to one of them? Seriously?), but it’s not fair to judge Tyler Mane’s performance or lack there of. Wade only has a handful of brief appearances in this film, and his screen time is limited.

Looking for a jaw-dropping and diabolical twist explaining the blocked door in 247°F? Don’t hold your breath, because this is what happened: during his drunken stumbling outside, Michael unknowingly blocks the sauna door with Wade’s ladder, trapping his friends inside.

Yeah, I know, it sounds very lame, but 247°F is based on real life events. I didn’t listen to the DVD commentary, but I’m guessing the filmmakers took the respectful approach to the reasons behind the blocked door. It’s a deflating revelation, but revealing the truth behind the blocked door didn‘t bother me at all. For me, 247°F reached the dead in the water point of no return at the fifty-two minute mark, and I just didn‘t care anymore.

The suspense and thrills from the plight of a steamy and claustrophobic prison doesn’t last long, because 247°F quickly devolves into a barrage of annoying complaints from the Renee character, and “this is your fault!” shouting matches. And more importantly, 247°F is VERY boring. 247°F loses a lot of steam (no pun intended) after Renee, Jenna, and Ian realize their inescapable and life-threatening dilemma, and Renee’s constant whining is just unbearable.

Final Rating: 1/10

Hitchcock (2012)

Facing intense pressure from his superiors, Alfred Hitchcock (Anthony Hopkins) prepares to make another film. Hitchcock tries to balance a rocky relationship with his neglected wife, Alma (Helen Mirren), while pursuing a risky project. Hitchcock decides to adapt the suspense novel Psycho, but Paramount is scared off by the controversy, so they refuse to provide funding for the film. Hitchcock is determined to bring Psycho to the big screen, so he makes a deal with Paramount: Hitchcock will personally finance Psycho, and Paramount will distribute the film.

Paramount agrees, but Hitchcock runs into a series of problems during filming. In the cast, some uncomfortable feelings with Vera Miles (Jessica Biel) resurface, and Hitchcock pushes Janet Leigh (Scarlett Johansson) to her limits. Hitchcock will have to fight censorship, health problems, work through problems in his failing marriage, and uphold his reputation as The Master Of Suspense.

Anthony Hopkins provides the perfect Alfred Hitchcock impersonation, and as expected, Helen Mirren delivers a strong performance. Besides having the “spitting image look” for Vera Miles and Janet Leigh, Jessica Biel and Scarlett Johansson really didn’t bring anything special to their characters on the acting side of things. Well, I guess Johansson deserves some credit for mimicking Leigh’s hysterical screaming during the famous shower scene.

Hitchcock isn’t a biopic. This film just focuses on the ups and downs during the making of Psycho. But you know what, I didn’t have a problem with this approach. He’s known for making many great films, but when you think about or mention Hitchcock, 99.9% of the time, Psycho is the first film that comes to mind. Think about it, unless you’re a real die hard fan, would you watch a James Cameron docudrama, that revolved around True Lies? A Spielberg docudrama about the War Of The Worlds remake? Psycho is often credited as the one film that created and validated modern horror, so it only makes sense for Psycho to be the one Hitchcock film, that receives so much attention.

I enjoyed Hitchcock, but the tonal shifts between horror and drama are kind of annoying. Throughout the film, Hitchcock has nightmares about Norman Bates committing and planing murders. The nightmare sequences about Bates feel spooky and eerie, but when the story returns to the struggles in Alfred’s marriage, and his troubles with Psycho, Hitchcock shifts back into drama mode.

Director Sacha Gervasi style isn’t something to brag about, but he deserves some praise for paying homage to Alfred Hitchcock by imitating the intro and outro for Alfred Hitchcock Presents.

Helen Mirren might receive on Oscar nomination, because…..well, she’s Helen Mirren. Although, I would be surprised to see an Oscar nomination for Hopkins. He’s spot on as Hitchcock, but Hitch’s comical side in this film might hurt Hopkins’ chances for a nomination.

Final Rating: 7/10

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year!

Just wanted to pass along my wishes for a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and give a big thank you to everyone, who follows and reads this blog! I really appreciate all the support, the +1s (and in some cases +2s). Truth be told, I wasn't too sure about doing this at first. I wasn't sure, if I could generate enough interest, and I didn't believe in myself. 

As far as movie reviewers go, I'm an unknown guy, but the support I've received in these past few months just blew me away. I don't know as much as Roger Ebert, Leonard Maltin, or Richard Roper, and I'm not an expert writer. But I love watching movies and I love reviewing them, and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

So thank you all again, and best wishes for the start of 2013. I'll continue to kick ass next year, and I can't wait to write reviews on Texas Chainsaw 3D and the Evil Dead remake!

Mitch MacReady   

Catch .44 (2011)

In Louisiana, three women prepare for a drug heist. Tes (Malin Akerman), Dawn (Deborah Ann Woll), and Kara (Nikki Reed) work for Mel (Bruce Willis), a ruthless and powerful druglord. After botching a previous assignment, Mel gives his trusted associates one more chance: go to a diner out in the middle of nowhere, wait for the driver of a rival cartel, who’s carrying a large shipment of cocaine, hijack the truck, and bring the cocaine back to Mel.

Tes is the leader of the group, and she shares a trusted bond with Mel, Dawn just follows the blueprint for the plan without asking any questions, but Kara suspects something fishy. Dawn is able to play the role of a peacemaker after a heated argument between Tes and Kara, but the driver doesn’t show up, as Tes, Dawn, and Kara wait inside the diner.

Anxious and eager for answers, Tes decides to uncover the truth by drawing guns on the diner employees. During the standoff, Kara and Dawn are shot to death by a diner employee and a “truck driver,” but Tes emerges as the only survivor from Mel‘s group. Confused and devastated, Tes pressures Billy (Shea Whigham), the remaining diner employee, into telling her the truth, but Ronny‘s (Mel’s right hand man)   unexpected appearance complicates Tes’ life-or-death dilemma. Ronny (Forest Whitaker) tries to convince Tes and Billy to drop their guns, but they refuse. Ronny pulls out his gun, and he urges Tes to kill Billy. Tes hesitates, as Billy explains the trap Mel set up, but Tes will have to make up her mind before it’s too late. Who will she choose? Billy or Ronny?

Bruce Willis is believable, as the cold-hearted drug lord. Tes is the strongest female character in this film, and Malin Akerman’s performance is spot on. I couldn’t comprehend the reason behind his Spanish accent, but Forest Whitaker is entertaining as Ronny.

Acting isn’t the problem here, because the cast is rock solid. But the nonlinear storyline is very, very, very, VERY annoying. The storytelling for Catch .44 isn’t cool or stylistic, it’s just fucking irritating. For example, they replay the standoff scene at the diner over and over and over again. Yes, I get the whole “we want to show you everything from different points of view” ideology, but come on, I don’t need to see the same fucking scene four or  fives times.

Of course, if you make a crime drama with a nonlinear storyline now a days, you’re going to draw comparisons to Tarantino and Pulp Fiction (or Reservoir Dogs), it’s unavoidable. Was Aaron Harvey (the writer and director for this film) trying to mimic Tarantino’s style? Probably, because you can’t ignore the similarities, but if Harvey was trying to create a Tarantino-esque film, he failed. It’s that simple, and I can’t sugar coat it.

Also, the sidebar conversations and jokes in this film are TERRIBLE. The sidebar conversations aren’t funny, thought-provoking, or insightful, and they didn’t add anything to the story. Harvey opens Catch .44 with a pointless and unfunny conversation between Tes, Dawn, and Kara about leaving the toilet seat up and the rules of sex. Later on, Dawn tells this horribly corny joke about a priest, nuns, and the consequences for touching a man’s genitals. Maybe I just have a bad sense of humor, but I tired, and I still couldn’t laugh at this joke.   

It’s a damn shame, because Catch .44 had the right cast, and a decent enough premise, but the ass-backwards style of storytelling is too frustrating. Catch .44 features a few scenes of graphic bloody violence, and during the beginning, the “who done it?” mystery is intriguing, but overall, Harvey’s attempt at creating a clever crime drama falls flat.  

Final Rating: 2/10

The Collection (2012)

Elena Peters (Emma Fitzpatrick) is trying to enjoy a quiet night at home, but Elena’s friends are going to a secret rave. After thinking it over, Elena leaves her father alone, and she decides to go to the rave with her friends. Elena starts to loosen up and have a good time….until she runs into her cheating boyfriend. Out of anger, Elena punches her boyfriend in the face, but Elena’s plans to leave the party early are put on hold, when she accidentally finds Arkin (Josh Stewart). The Collector appears, and unleashes a series of diabolical traps to kill everyone at the rave. Arkin (the sole survivor from the previous film) narrowly escapes, but The Collector is able to kidnap Elena.

While in the hospital, Arkin receives an offer from Lucello (Lee Tergesen), a trusted associate for Elena’s wealthy father. Arkin must lead Lucello and his team of mercenaries to The Collector's hideout, so they can rescue Elena, and if the mission is a success, Elena’s father will pull some strings to clear up Arkin’s dirty rap sheet. But when Lucello and the mercenaries arrive at The Collector’s hideout, Lucello forces Arkin inside, and he instantly changes the deal: Arkin must fight with the mercenaries, as they try to rescue Elena.

Stewart and Fitzpatrick deliver the best performances, and Erin Way is a nice edition to the cast. Abby (Way) is The Collector’s unstable prisoner, and Way’s loopy performance is enjoyable. The Collector is still creepy and vicious, and they still didn’t show his face, but The Collector actually speaks in this film.

The Collection is an upgrade over The Collector. The Collection actually provides some intense action sequences, the traps are more complex and brutal, and we learn more about The Collector’s past here. There’s a good cliffhanger at the end, and I enjoyed this film, but The Collector series might fall into the Saw trap. After the first film, Saw sacrificed storytelling, sensible plots, and character development for more sickening gross-out moments and bloody gore. I expected a downfall after Saw III (unfortunately, I was right), and those same feelings resurfaced after watching The Collection. The Collector will probably devolve into a shit-fest of undecipherable storylines, or an obscene barrage of torture porn calamities, as the filmmakers play a one-upsmanship game of “let’s outdo everyone else,” but I’m hoping for something different. The Collector has some potential, but the similarities to the Saw franchise scare me.

Oh, and If you can’t handle sadistic torture scenes, graphic gore, and lots of blood, you should stay away from The Collection.

Final Rating: 6/10

Silent Night (2012)

**This review contains spoilers**

It’s Christmas Eve, and a murderous Santa Claus is determined to punish everyone on his naughty list. A small town’s annual Christmas Eve parade is a joyous and peaceful tradition, but two local cops must stop Santa’s bloody rampage. Sheriff James Cooper (Malcolm McDowell) and his nervous Deputy, Aubrey (Jamie King) are the last line of defense. Will they be able to save what’s left of Christmas? Or will Santa eliminate each target on his hit list?

Jamie King. She easily delivers the best performance in this film. On the acting side of things, King really carries this film on her back, because Malcolm McDowell’s performance is just atrocious. And yes, McDowell’s performance is a problem, because he receives a significant amount of screen time. McDowell just phones it in here, and to make things worse, his character is an annoying asshole.

Now let’s talk about Santa. He’s a raging lunatic, and more importantly, Santa has an intimidating presence in the remake. Robert Brian Wilson (the Santa in the original) wasn’t intimidating or scary. In fact, he was kind of goofy at times. But 2012 Santa is a cold-blooded killer, and  the dark eyes on the mask really pull everything together.

Plus, Santa has a larger arsenal of weapons this time around. You can see the flamethrower on the box cover, and Santa also uses a stun gun and a poker. And of course, for the sake of nostalgia, Santa will break out the axe every now and then.

The Silent Night remake is more serious than the original. The 1984 original was very campy and cheesy, but Silent Night 2012 is darker. But the fan base for Silent Night, Deadly Night constantly over hypes that film. Let’s be honest, Silent Night, Deadly Night isn’t remembered for being a quality film. The controversy surrounding the 1984 release caused the uproar. Remember, watching Santa murder people crossed too many lines in 1984, and Silent Night, Deadly Night was pulled from theaters. Angry mothers protested, and the critics went out of their way to condemn it. So in the end, the original is remembered for creating unreal amounts of controversy, because quality wise, it’s an average film at best. Hell, take away the Christmas theme, and it’s just another cheesy and over the top slasher from the 80’s. 

All in all, Silent Night is a respectable remake, but it’s not good enough to stand out amongst other modern-day slasher flicks, that feature tons of blood and nudity. I enjoyed this film, but horror remakes based on campy 80’s originals share this annoying trend. For some strange reason, the filmmakers try so hard to make a more serious movie. If we distance ourselves from the campy stuff in the original, we’ll make a better film. This seems to be the thought process. But if you’re going to fall into the bin with so many other predictable and ordinary modern-day slashers, then what’s the point of changing?

So yeah, if you’re into Christmas horror, and a psychopathic Santa Claus murderer, then Silent Night is worth watching. There’s a nice cliffhanger at the end, and the cliffhanger sets up a sequel. I would give another set of Silent Night films a chance, but nothing is guaranteed so far. But if it does happen, Jamie King NEEDS to come back. Fuck Malcolm McDowell.

Final Rating: 6/10

Trouble With The Curve (2012)

Gus Lobel (Clint Eastwood) is a legendary baseball scout, who works for the Atlanta Braves. But Gus’ vision problems and old school mentality might cost him his job. Tom Silver (Matthew Lillard) is the slimy kiss-ass, and he works on the same scout team with Gus. Tom sees an easy opportunity to get rid of Gus, and move up the corporate ladder, but Gus’ long time friend and superior, Pete (John Goodman) comes up with a plan to save Gus’ job.

In an attempt to provide some much needed company and assist him in his scouting duties, Pete urges Gus’ busy daughter, Mickey (Amy Adams) to join him on a scouting trip to North Carolina. Reluctant at first, Mickey eventually agrees to join Gus on the scouting trip, but some old emotional wounds from a troubled childhood could ruin a happy bonding experience. Along the way, Gus and Mickey run into Johnny (Justin Timberlake), a pitcher, who was forced into a scout job for the Red Sox after a career-ending injury. Gus and Johnny share a trusted friendship, and Johnny slowly develops feelings for Mickey.

The rocky relationship between Mickey and Gus becomes more of a problem as the days go by. Plus, Gus’ opinion could have an influence over Johnny, as both men scout a potential number one draft pick (Braves have the #2 pick, Red Sox have #1) named Bo Gentry, a young powerhouse slugger.

Clint Eastwood delivers another entertaining perfromance as the angry codger, and Amy Adams provides the strongest performance from the supporting cast. Although, next to Clint Eastwood, Adams receives the most screen time, and the increased exposure gives her a boost here. Lillard and Goodman could’ve gained the upper hand for the better performances in this film, but Lillard’s character doesn’t receive a significant amount of screen time until the very end, and you’ll only see Goodman every now and then.

But Justin Timberlake doesn’t deserve any credit for the acting. Timberlake can’t act, and as usual, a more talented cast carries him throughout this film. I’ve seen it in other Timberlake films (Amanda Seyfried from In Time, Cameron Diaz in Bad Teacher, Jesse Eisneberg and Andrew Garfield in The Social Network, etc.), and I still can’t believe he’s coasting off of his fame for being a singer and the popular guy in N Sync.

Trouble With The Curve will give sports fans an inside-look at the inner workings of an MLB team, but the fantastic chemistry between Amy Adams and Clint Eastwood is the driving force behind this film. The inside info stuff for MLB isn’t that special, because I’ve seen in it other sports films, and if you want to know more, you can always turn on MLB network or ESPN. And more importantly, other sports films (i.e. Moneyball) provided a more thorough and in-depth inside-look for the business side of pro sports.

Trouble With The Curve is an average and formulaic Hollywood sports drama. This film is full of predictable mushy moments, but I really enjoyed the duo of Adams and Eastwood, and without them, Trouble With The Curve could’ve been a lot worse.

Final Rating: 5/10

Silver Linings Playbook (2012)

After witnessing his wife, Nikki (Bree Bee) in the shower with another man, Pat (Bradley Cooper) snaps, and he nearly beats Nikki’s lover to death. Diagnosed with a bipolar disorder,  Pat serves an eight month court ordered sentence in a mental hospital. Pat develops a friendship with another patient named Danny (Chris Tucker), but Nikki has a restraining order against Pat, and Pat will have to readjust to the real world soon enough. When she arrives to take him home, Pat’s mother, Dolores (Jacki Weaver) has her doubts, but Pat promises change. Pat’s father, Pat, Sr. (Robert De Niro) is a devoted and passionate Eagles’ fan, and he tries to make up for some lost time with Pat.

Delusional and determined to reinvent himself, Pat tries to straighten out his life, but an unhinged widow disrupts Pat’s mission to win back his ex-wife. Tiffany (Jennifer Lawrence) agrees to deliver Pat’s apology letter to Nikki, but only under two conditions: Pat must train with Tiffany, and become her partner for a dance contest.

I didn’t think he had it in him, but Bradley Cooper delivers a fantastic performance here. Pat is a trainwreck, but you can still root for him. Cooper is usually more successful with full blown comedy characters, and Pat has a quirky sense of humor, but Cooper really nails the emotional and heartbroken side of  Pat‘s character. Jennifer Lawrence is spot on as Tiffany. Tiffany is a free spirit, but she’ll fly off the handle in an instant, if someone pushes her too far. De Niro and Weaver are solid in their supporting roles, but Chris Tucker really didn’t add anything to this film, and his character is pretty useless.

Silver Linings Playbook isn’t bad, but I honestly can’t understand the raging hard-ons critics have for this film. Yes, Silver Linings Playbook provides a nice balance of drama and humor. Plus, the delicate and sensitive approach towards the subject of mental illnesses is something to admire. But let’s not kid ourselves here. Silver Linings Playbook isn’t some groundbreaking achievement for the romantic comedy genre. No, it’s barley above average, and you can see every “twist” and “turn” coming from a mile away. Seriously, just watch the trailer, and take a wild guess at happens between Pat and Tiffany at the very end.

Maybe I’m just a grouch, or I’m still waiting for the holiday spirit to hit me, but Silver Linings Playbook didn’t blow me away. Cooper or Lawrence might receive an Oscar nomination, but in a few weeks, I’ll forget about this film, and Silver Linings Playbook won’t have any lasting effects on me.

Final Rating: 6/10

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

**This review contains spoilers**

Three years after the events of Halloween H20: 20 Years later, Michael Myers is still on the loose, and Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) was committed to an insane asylum after murdering a helpless paramedic. Without taking off the mask first, Laurie used an axe to behead the paramedic. Unbeknownst to Laurie, Michael attacked and crushed the paramedic’s larynx at the private school. He switched clothes with the paramedic, forced his mask on him, and Michael quietly walked away from the crime scene.

In 2001, Laurie lives a lonely life of silence at the asylum, and she avoids taking her medication. Laurie dreads Michael’s inevitable arrival, and after catching a brief glimpse of him through her window on Halloween night, Laurie immediately panics. After murdering two security guards, Michael sets his sights on Laurie. But when Michael enters Laurie’s room, she gains the upper hand by attacking him from behind, and Laurie escapes to the roof of the asylum. Laurie captures Michael with a trap, but Michael seizes the opportunity to eliminate his #1 target after a careless mistake. Dangling from the roof with his sister, Michael uses his kitchen knife to stab Laurie in the back. Laurie kisses Michael, and before she falls to her death, Laurie promises a reunion in “hell.“

One year later, Freddie Harris (Busta Rhymes) and Nora Winston (Tyra Banks) plan a Halloween reality show special/scavenger hunt at Michael Myers’ abandoned childhood home. Freddie and Nora produce and direct shows for DangerTainment, a reality web show series. In an attempt to unravel the mystery behind his murderous rage, the participants must search for clues from Michael’s past. Six college students are selected for the show: Sara Moyer (Bianca Kajlich), Jim Morgan (Luke Kirby), Donna Chang (Daisy McCrackin), Bill Woodlake (Thomas Ian Nicholas), Rudy Grimes (Sean Patrick Thomas), and Jen Danzig (Katee Sackhoff).

Initially, Sara expresses her doubts and suspicions, but she decides to join the group after one night of thinking it over. Deckard (Ryan Merriman) is Sara’s nerdy computer friend, he decides to watch the web show at a Halloween party, and Nora monitors everything on a series of  televisions. The suspicions of a hoax are confirmed, when Freddie shows up in a Michael Myers costume. Making money is Freddie’s only concern, but the appearance of the real Michael Myers changes everything……

I think I posted an old mini-review of Halloween Resurrection in here a while ago. It was during my annual “watch all the Halloween movies during October” marathon. But I usually skip over Resurrection, because it’s so fucking awful. I’m sure that post is buried in here somewhere. Oh well, time for an updated version!

I don’t know why, but for some strange reason, I foolishly cling to the hopes of Resurrection instantly transforming into a better film. Maybe I was just tired that day, or I could’ve been in a bad mood. Just a few examples of the excuses I come up with sometimes, but like most Halloween fans (surprisingly, some Halloween fans actually enjoy this turd), you just have to face facts: Halloween Resurrection is the worst movie in the entire franchise.

Remember the final moments of H20?


                                                                              
                                
                                      


So as I said before, Laurie killed the wrong guy, and as always, Michael survived another close call. Michael finally fufills his destiny by killing his sister in this film, and eventually SOMEONE had to die. Laurie and Michael are the two most important characters in this franchise, but eventually, one of them has to die. The constant narrow escapes reached the point of overkill, and since Michael is irreplaceable as the main antagonist (they tried to create another villain in Season Of The Witch, Halloween 5 and 6, and it didn’t work out), Laurie had to die.

I don’t have a problem with Laurie’s death in this film. I have a problem with the timing of it. For fuck’s sake, they killed off Laurie in the beginning! With the exception of Halloween 3, 4, 5, and 6, the Halloween film series revolved around Michael trying to kill Laurie. Laurie’s death is the major event, so everything after her demise is just pointless. Imagine Luke decapitating Vader and watching the Emperor’s demise in the first ten minutes of Return Of The Jedi. Or Nolan making the decision to open The Dark Knight Rises with the Batman/Bane fight in front of Gotham’s City Hall. Think about the reaction from wrestling fans, if Rock VS Cena was the opening match at Wrestlemania 28. Michael kills Laurie first, and then they force the audience into watching some shitty paranormal web show storyline (more on that later). Laurie’s death deserved special treatment, Laurie needed the spotlight, and she should’ve received a grand send-off. But no, they just had to kill her character in the beginning. Unbelievable.

Michael is still intimidating and scary, but the rest of the cast is atrocious in this film. Jamie Lee Curtis could’ve helped on the acting side of things, but she doesn’t last long here. The college kids are annoying and stupid characters, and Busta Rhymes really drags this cast into the shitter. He can’t act, and his fight scenes with Michael always leave me speechless, but not for good reasons, though.

 

                             
                                       

Michael’s living in secret tunnels beneath his old house? Well, if “secret tunnels” exist beneath Michael’s old house, then why didn’t he use them as a hiding spot in the previous films? The underground tunnels just pop up out of nowhere in Resurrection, and it’s just another prime example of the writers making shit up along the way. 

In H20, ignoring the satanic cult bullshit with Dr.Wynn/The Man In Black in Halloween 6 didn’t bother me too much, because the thought of some outside force having control over Michael just kills the mystique for his character. But what happened to Laurie’s son? Remember Josh Hartnett in H20? He portrayed John Tate (or John Strode), Laurie’s teenage son. Michael hunts and kills family members that are apart of his bloodline, and John survived in H20. We’re supposed to forget about Laurie’s son? The primary protagonist’s second child? The continuity problems for the Halloween franchise started with Season Of The Witch in 1982, and the trend of ignoring important details and broken storylines is a major problem for this film series.

Watching Decker guide and protect Sara towards the end is the nail in the coffin for me. Decker is watching the web show on a computer, and Decker sends Sara text message warnings of Michael’s position in the house. The text messages KILL the shock factor for the scares in this film. You can’t expect a surprised reaction, when you constantly post “HE’S AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. RUN!” or “HE’S BEHIND YOU!” (paraphrased examples) as text messages on the screen.

So let’s see. Annoying characters, bad acting, lame deaths (sorry, the beheadings didn’t do anything for me), and they kill off the primary protagonist  in the first fourteen minutes of the movie? Yep, Halloween Resurrection is a steaming pile of shit, and it’s the worst film in the Halloween franchise, easily. Yes, Season Of The Witch and Halloween 6/The Curse Of Michael Myers are better, and that’s saying something. The Halloween franchise would receive a reboot five years after the release of this film, and if you’ve ever seen Resurrection, then you’ll understand the need for a fresh start.

Final Rating: 1/10

Jumanji (1995)

In 1969, a young Alan Parrish finds a board game named Jumanji. After taking a beating from a group of bullies, and hiding in his father’s shoe factory, Alan takes the board game home. Alan plans to run away from home after an argument with his father, but things change when Sarah, the girlfriend of the ring leader for the bullies, shows up to return his stolen bike. Alan convinces Sarah to play Jumanji with him, but after a roll of the dice, Alan is sucked into the board game, and Sarah is scared off by a swarm of bats.

Twenty-six years later, two young children named Judy (Kirsten Dunst) and Peter (Bradley Pierce) move into Alan’s childhood home after their parent’s sudden and tragic deaths. Aunt Nora (Bebe Neuwrith) is the guardian, and Nora will have her hands full with a disrespectful niece and a strange nephew. Plus, Jumanji will only complicate Nora’s problems. One day, while snooping around in the attic, Judy and Peter find the Jumanji board game. Unaware of its evil powers, Judy and Peter decide to play Jumanji. After a few rolls of the dice, Judy and Peter free Alan from the board game. Now twenty-six years older, Alan (Robin Williams) will have to find Sarah, and with Peter and Judy’s help, the group will have to finish one game of Jumanji. Finshing the game will restore Alan’s normal life as a child, send the wild jungle animals back to their homes, and stop Jumanji’s magical path of destruction.

Well, I’m burnt out on 2012 stuff right now, so I decided to watch Jumanji. As a kid, I LOVED this movie. Hell, I begged my mother to buy me the board game for my birthday.

It took me a while to realize it, but the kid, who plays Judy is a young Kirsten Dunce. Robin Williams is predictably whacky as usual, and the rest of the cast is solid. Although, David Alan Grier is annoying at times. I used to enjoy his work on Living Color, but with the exception of a flashback at the beginning, his character is so obnoxious and over the top. 

Jumanji was a fun experience as a child, but I’m older now, and this film didn’t do anything for me. The CGI monkeys look so fake, the special effects are horribly outdated, and it’s hard to ignore. The humor is pretty lame, and Johnathan Hyde is a problem here. I’m not complaining about his performances, but Hyde portrays two characters in this film: Alan’s father and Van Pelt, a hunter, who emerges from Jumanji. Even with the beard as Van Pelt, it’s so easy to see the same guy as two characters. There’s no illusion, and Hyde’s double duty just kills any interest in both characters.

I can watch the live action Ninja Turtles films (the first two, because I still despise the third one and the time travel bullshit) and Home Alone 2 now a days, and I’ll still experience those great feelings of nostalgia. I can’t say the same thing about Jumanji. I chuckled a few times, and I enjoyed some of the adventurous action sequences (mainly the flood and man-eating vine attacks in the house towards the end), but overall, Jumanji was too dull for me.

Final Rating: 4/10

The Tall Man (2012)

**This review contains spoilers**

In a small and oppressed mining town, a mysterious figure known as The Tall Man abducts children. The children are disappearing, the police don’t have any leads to follow, and families continue to suffer the wrath of the elusive child abductor.

Julia (Jessica Biel) is the town nurse, and she lives alone with her son, David. Julia enjoys a quiet and normal life….. until David is taken by The Tall Man. Without any help or protection, Julia immediately pursues The Tall Man. The distraught single mother must save her son, and uncover the identity of The Tall Man, but an unexpected car crash changes everything.

If you’re expecting a horror film, then you need to stay away from The Tall Man. Don’t believe the trailers, because The Tall Man is a mystery/drama film.

After the first abduction, the story takes a bizarre turn. Julia tries to catch up to The Tall Man by herself, so she can save her son. During the pursuit, Julia is taken by The Tall Man. Along with her son David, Julia becomes a hostage, but on their way to The Tall Man’s hideout, Julia is able to cause a distraction, and The Tall Man loses control of his van. But when Julia recovers from the crash, The Tall Man and David are gone.

With the help of the police force, Julia is taken to the local diner for food and clean clothes. Here, the townspeople keep an unusual close eye on Julia. When Julia goes to the bathroom to change clothes, the townspeople try to make a citizen's arrest, but Julia quickly escapes the diner, and before the townspeople have a chance to catch up with her, Julia runs into the woods.

Why are the townspeople trying to capture Julia? She just lost her son to The Tall Man, so why are they trying to harm her? And here comes the first twist! The person, who kidnapped Julia’s son isn’t The Tall Man. The kidnapper is David’s biological mother. Oddly enough, David’s real mother wears clothing similar to The Tall Man’s known description. David’s biological mother is a poor woman, who lives alone, and Julia was the assigned mother, who provided a better life for David.

The first twist caught me off guard, but second twist is just mind-blowing: Julia is the mastermind/leader of a secret operation that takes children away from neglectful and abusive parents, who can’t afford a normal lifestyle for their children. The Tall Man is Julia’s husband, originally pronounced dead at the beginning of the film (Julia spread the lie to protect her husband's identity). Julia’s husband abducts underprivileged children, and he places them in homes, where foster parents promise to provide better lives for them. Plus, Julia’s husband provides the foster parents with new documents (new name, birth certificate, social security card, etc.).

Okay, so at this point, I’m really sucked into the story. Julia is in jail, because she’s the only known suspect the police can find. The babysitter, who helped take care of David was one of Julia’s trusted accomplices, but when the police stormed Julia’s house, she committed suicide by hanging herself.  In an attempt to force Julia to reveal more details, David’s biological mother has a talk with Julia in prison. Julia takes the blame for The Tall Man’s crimes, and then she drops the bombshell on David’s mom: the children aren’t missing, they’re dead. Devastated, David’s mother leaves the prison with no hope, Julia becomes the most hated person in America, and she might receive the death penalty.

But another twist changes the direction of the story again. The children aren’t dead. It was a lie. Julia had to protect The Tall Man operation. She had to keep the cops and other law enforcement agencies off the trail. Someone had to take the fall, and Julia wanted to be that person, because she wanted to keep her dream alive. All of the children, including David (earlier in the film, Julia eventually took him away from his biological mother again) are safe with their new families. Jenny, a mute child and a friend of Julia’s is the most recent child to be taken away by The Tall Man. Throughout the film, Jenny begged Julia to let The Tall Man take her away, because she wanted to escape her mother and alcoholic boyfriend.

Jessica Biel is strong in the leading role, and The Tall Man features a solid supporting cast. Your enjoyment of this film is going to depend on your reaction to the series of plot twists. Personally, I don’t think there’s any middle ground. When it comes to the plot twists, you’re either going to love them or hate them, it’s that simple. I LOVED the constant twists and turns, and I’m glad they didn’t turn this into another predictable horror film. An ordinary horror story about some mysterious boogeyman kidnapping children would’ve been lame, but The Tall Man goes the extra mile. It’s a thought-provoking mystery/drama film, and The Tall Man delivers some fantastic shockers along the way.

Final Rating: 7/10

ATM (2012)

**This review contains spoilers**

Before she leaves for another job, David (Brian Geraghty) takes one final shot at Emily (Alice Eve), his co-worker and long-time crush. David prepares to give Emily a ride home after an office party, but his friend, Corey (Josh Peck) complicates the situation. Corey is a moocher, and he needs a ride home. David is a good friend, so he allows Corey to join in on the ride with Emily. Along the way, Corey complains about being hungry. He needs money for an all-night pizza place, so David stops at an ATM. Corey has some “trouble” with his card, so David uses his own card to take money out of the ATM. Emily doesn’t want to stay in the car by herself, so she joins David and Corey inside in the ATM.

David has the money, he prepares to leave with Corey and Emily, but a creepy stranger wearing a hooded coat suddenly appears out of nowhere. Fearing the worst, David, Corey, and Emily stay inside the ATM for safety, and the stranger’s intentions quickly become clear, as he murders a man walking his dog……

The obscene amount of gaping plot holes are a major problem, and ATM features one too many unlikeable characters. David is a nice guy, but Corey is obviously taking advantage of him. Corey continues to shit on him, and David just takes it. And speaking of Corey, he’s the most annoying character in this film, easily. He’s a prime example of a shitty friend, who’ll mooch off of anybody, and he’s such a tool. Alice Eve is a gorgeous woman, but Emily isn’t too bright.

Stupidity is another problem. First of all, IT’S JUST ONE GUY WITHOUT A GUN. Double team him, and kick his ass. Why am I mentioning this? Because as the story progresses, a man wearing clothing similar to the killer’s hooded attire walks into the ATM. Out of fear, David and Corey jump him, and guess what? They beat the stranger to death. But for some asinine reason, David, Corey, and Emily stay inside the ATM after the beat down, because they’re afraid of the killer?

When then they arrive at the ATM, in an attempt to punish Corey for his childish behavior, David parks the car at least twenty feet from the ATM. This was a brainless choice, because the parking lot was completely empty, and you just killed your chances of having a safe path to the car. Oh, and of course, David, Corey, and Emily leave their cell phones inside the car.

And the killer is a dumbass. During the intro and the ridiculous finale, ATM tries to sell the killer as this devious genius, but I couldn’t buy into this persona. The killer spends the majority of the movie trying to break in through the back door of the ATM. This doesn’t work, and towards the end, before the survivors FINALLY figure out a way to call for help, the killer comes up with one bright idea: flood the ATM with a water hose! Wait, so you spent the vast majority of the film trying to break in through the back door, and all of the sudden, you realize flooding the ATM would’ve been the best option? The killer could’ve easily flooded the ATM in the beginning, but he wasted thirty to forty minutes trying to break in through the back door? Unbelievable.    

I can ignore one or two plot holes, maybe three. Also, when I sit down to watch a movie, I try to stay in suspension of disbelief mode, but ATM pushes everything too far. During the horrible ending, the cops arrest the wrong person. They just pull up, assume the one guy standing in the parking lot is the killer (without knowing anything about the situation), and they arrest him without asking any questions or having any evidence to pin on him? The killer is clever, because he knew how to out-smart one camera? There’s only one camera at a 24/7 ATM??? Yeah, it’s late at night. I understand that. But the ATM is in the middle of a metropolitan city. It’s on a main street, and after four or five hours, the survivors only see ONE car (a security guard) on the road? Please.

ATM is shit. No scares, no suspense, no real tension, and bland directing. I honestly can’t understand how someone could pull the “guilty pleasure” card (I’ve seen this in other places), because ATM isn’t laughably bad…… it’s just bad. The acting is okay, but ATM is loaded with stupid and annoying characters, obvious plot holes, and this film features one of the worst endings I’ve ever seen. Avoid ATM at all costs, or you’ll be sorry. 

Final Rating: 0/10

V/H/S (2012)

**This review contains spoilers**

Well at first I tried to include each storyline in one long explanation, but the end result was a massive clusterfuck, so I started over. V/H/S features five separate storylines, and “Tape 56” is the main story arc.

                                                                    Tape 56

A group of thieves are given a simple task by an unknown client: break into an old man’s house, and steal one VHS tape. When the thieves arrive, a TV is set up with a VCR and a VHS tape, and the old man is dead. The leader of the thieves dismisses the old man’s death as a minor problem, and he orders his crew to find the one tape. One member of the team begins viewing the tape in the VCR. Meanwhile, the leader and his crew go to the basement. Here, they find more tapes, but the frustrated leader still can‘t find Tape 56.

But when the thieves return to the television, the old man’s body is gone, and the original viewer for the first tape has disappeared. The leader and a few of his men try to find the missing team member, while one stays behind to watch the series of tapes. Each tape contains footage of shocking and bizarre murders, and one thing is clear, the thieves are not alone.

So as I said before, V/H/S is broken into five separate storylines. Instead of giving a long and jumbled explanation of each tape, I’m going to write the synopses, and give my thoughts after each one.

                                                           #1 Amateur Night

Shane (Mike Donlan), Patrick (Joe Sykes), and Clint (Drew Sawyer) are trying to pick up women. Shane and Patrick are the cocky alpha males, and Clint is the shy nerd. Shane and Patrick come up with the bright idea of making a sex tape, so they force Clint to wear glasses with a hidden camera. After a series of failed attempts, the guys finally pick up two women: Lily (Hannah Fierman) and Lisa (Jas Sams).

At the hotel room, Lisa passes out from too much alcohol, so Patrick and Shane focus on Lily. But Lily’s odd behavior starts to worry Clint. Determined to complete their conquest, Shane and Patrick move in on Lily, but Lily suddenly bites Patrick’s hand, and during intercourse, Lily kills Shane. Lily slowly transforms into a deadly demon or monster (it’s hard to tell). Patrick and Clint will have to fight their way out of the hotel room, and escape Lily’s deadly attacks.

My Thoughts: This storyline provides a lot of brutal gore and bloody kills. I enjoyed the terror and suspense after Lily’s transformation, but the stupid characters annoyed me. First of all, something is obviously wrong with Lily. She looks like an anorexic junkie, and her behavior is noticeably awkward. Lily constantly whispers “I like you” to Clint, and he senses something strange, but Clint doesn't speak up until it‘s too late. Shane and Patrick notice the odd behavior, but they ignore Lily’s mannerisms, because hormones triumph over brains here. Seriously, Lily isn’t normal. She’s an oddball, and the guys STILL had a chance to get rid of Lily after she bit Patrick’s hand. I understand the “WE WANT TO GET LAID!” stuff, but come on, you have to draw the line somewhere.

                                                    #2 Second Honeymoon

Sam (Joe Swanberg)  and Stephanie (Sophie Takal) need a spark for their marriage, so they decide to go on a second honeymoon. A quiet and peaceful trip to a canyon range could jump start the marriage, but Sam and Stephanie receive an ominous warning from a fortune telling machine. One night, a stranger knocks on Sam and Stephanie’s door at the hotel. A strange woman asks for a favor, but Sam refuses. Later that night, a stranger sneaks into their hotel room, while Sam and Stephanie are sleeping. The stranger teases Stephanie with a switchblade, and he or she steals money from Sam’s wallet. Who is this stranger? And why do they want to harm Stephanie and Sam?

My thoughts: Boring. That is the one word I would use to describe this storyline. And it pains me to say this, because Ti West, one of my favorite directors from any genre, directed this storyline. There’s a nice surprise at the end, but everything before that almost put me to sleep.

                                      #3 Wendy & The Killer In The Woods

Wendy (Norma C. Quinones) invites three friends for a visit to her hometown. Joey (Drew Moerlein), Spider (Jason Yachanin), and Samantha (Jeannine Yoder) join Wendy on a simple camp out trip to a local forest. Here, Wendy tells the story of an urban legend. A killer, who hid within forest brutally murdered a group of teens. The teens were Wendy’s friends, but Wendy escaped the slaughter. When Wendy explained the killer’s supernatural powers to other people, nobody believed her. One by one, Wendy’s friends begin to disappear, and fear leads the remaining survivors to one question: has the killer returned to finish what he started?

My thoughts: Ugh, I wanted to like this, but Wendy’s storyline slowly develops into this strange slasher version of The Blair Witch Project. Every time the killer shows up, the video camera suddenly malfunctions, and the killer appears through a series of glitches. Yeah, the malfunctioning/glitch trick is annoying, and to top it off, you can barely see the killer. Also, the twist is really fucking stupid.

Okay, so we’re nearing the end, and Wendy and Joey are the only remaining survivors. Joey is terrified, but Wendy explains her plan, as she records Joey’s final moments: Wendy planed to lure her friends into the forest, use them as bait, set up a series of traps to finally catch the killer, and Wendy could finally erase her reputation as the “crazy girl” in town.

Eh, so what if nobody believes you? You saw what happened, you actually escaped the killer’s wrath the first time around, and after all of that, you WILLINGLY return to the forest? Also, Wendy’s plan was beyond idiotic. You’re trying to catch the killer, and obviously you’re a scumbag, because you’re willing to risk your friend’s lives. I get that. But why did Wendy put herself in harm’s way? It doesn’t make any sense. You know what this guy can do, you know he’s unstoppable, so why would you throw yourself into the meat grinder? Oh, and of course, the killer brutally murders Wendy at the end.

I wanted to like this stroyline, but Wendy’s trip home is loaded with predictable slasher clichés and stupid characters.

                                  #4 Emily & James’ Late Night Video Chats

Emily (Helen Rogers) believes her apartment is haunted. Emily shares a series of late night web chat sessions with her boyfriend, James (Daniel Kaufman). He doesn‘t believe in Emily‘s haunting stories at first, but James changes his mind after Emily’s paranormal encounters with dead children, and the sudden growth of a nasty infection on Emily’s arm.

My Thoughts: Emily’s storyline feels like a cheap rip-off of Paranormal Activity, but I still enjoyed it. A few good jump scares, a frightening conclusion, and there’s a nice diabolical twist at the end.

                                                   #5 The Halloween Party

It’s 1998, and on Halloween night, four friends prepare for a stranger’s Halloween party. Chad (Chad Villella), Matt (Matt Bettinelli-Oplin), Tyler (Tyler Gillett), and Paul (Paul Natonek) are looking forward to the party. But when they finally arrive at the house, the friends can’t find anyone. After searching the seemingly deserted house, the friends accidentally stumble across an exorcism. Unable to fully understand the situation, the friends fight off the people helping with the exorcism, and they “rescue” a victimized girl. Interrupting the exorcism proves to be a deadly mistake, because the evil demon will stop at nothing to repossess his victim.

My Thoughts:  Well I’ll just get the first set of stupid mistakes out of the way first.

1. Why would you go to a stranger’s Halloween party?

2. The house is empty at first, and you don’t see any signs of a party. Just leave.

3. At first, the friends thought the exorcism was a Halloween prank. Okay, that’s fine, but once you realize the exorcism is for real, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. You’re going to fight off a room full of creepy guys and a demon? Seriously?

With all that said, The Halloween Party storyline is still entertaining. It’s intense and suspenseful, and the ending will leave you speechless.

                                                          Overall Thoughts

I compare V/H/S to Applebee’s or T.G.I Fridays. You’ll start out with some delicious mozzarella sticks or buffalo wings, but the main course probably won’t live up to expectations. Your piece of grilled chicken or fish will be dry and bland, you might get a burnt hamburger, and a flat glass of beer to top it off. But a dessert could make up for all of that. You know, one of those hot brownies with chocolate fudge, and a scoop of ice cream.

Inconsistency is the problem here. The storylines for V/H/S are hit and miss. Amateur Night raised my hopes, and it was a solid opener for this film. But The Honeymoon just bored the shit of me, and Wendy’s storyline turns into a poor attempt at making a short slasher movie. Things picked up again, when Emily’s storyline rolled around, and The Halloween Party was the perfect conclusion.

V/H/S gives any horror fan everything they could possibly ask for. Lots of blood, gruesome kills, a few good jump scares, and nudity. Overall, the acting is solid, and Hannah Fierman easily gives the best performance as Lily. I appreciate the effort to put a spin on the found-footage genre. The anthology style of storytelling provides a refreshing experience, but the stinkers (Wendy and The Honeymoon) destroy the momentum for V/H/S. 

Final Rating: 5/10

The Moth Diaries (2012)

Struggling to move on after her father’s gruesome suicide, Rebecca (Sarah Bolger) joins a prestigious private school for girls. With the support of her mother and new friends at school, Rebecca begins to enjoy her life again…until Ernessa (Lily Cole) comes into the picture. Ernessa quickly emerges as the popular new girl in school. She throws parties, shares her drugs, and Ernessa slowly manipulates Rebecca’s friends one by one.

Angry and frustrated, Rebecca decides to spy on Ernessa. After a few brutal murders and a series of bizarre events, Rebecca comes to one conclusion: Ernessa is a vampire. Rebecca confides in Mr. Davies (Scott Speedman), one of her teachers, but Ernessa continues to stalk Rebecca’s close friends. Can Rebecca convince the right people to believe in her vampire conspiracy before it’s too late?

So I’m scrolling through my TV guide menu on a Saturday afternoon, and I come across The Moth Diaries…..on the Chiller Channel. My hopes for this film immediately went down the drain. The Chiller Channel is dedicated to all things horror 24/7. It’s my favorite channel, but they play a lot of shitty horror films. The Chiller Channel is a graveyard for horrible independent horror films (mostly American), and you’ll usually see two types of horror films on Chiller: awfully good horror movies, that are fun to laugh at and mock, or unbearable abominations. They might throw you a bone every now and then, and you’ll see some old school classics (Evil Dead, Night Of The Living Dead, Chucky, etc.). Anyway, The Moth Diaries falls under the unbearable abominations category, unfortunately.

Overall, the acting is decent at best. Bolger is okay in the leading role, and Lily Cole is believable, as the mysterious and sometimes creepy new girl with a secret. But the rest cast doesn’t bring anything special to the table, and Scott Speedman’s performance as Mr. Davies is forgettable.

Director Mary Harron’s style is pretty dull, and Harron fails to provide any jump scares, tension, or real suspense.

The Moth Diaries is loaded with idiotic characters. As the story progresses, it’s painfully obvious Ernessa is a vampire. I mean, for fuck’s sake, she’s walking through windows, drinks blood from another girl’s neck, and she can fly. But Rebecca’s friends are very stupid and naïve. Ernessa tries to poison them with cocaine or weed (I’m not sure which one), and Rebecca is the ONLY one, who suspects something fishy,  when Ernessa walks through a fucking window, while sleepwalking on a ledge outside of the school. Oh, and one of Rebecca’s friend’s conveniently dies a slow and painful death, when she teams up with Ernessa.

The evidence continues to pile up (including the dead body of a P.E. teacher, and of course, Ernessa is the only one, who had a real motive to kill her), but for some asinine reason, NOBODY believes Ernessa could be a vampire. “you’re just jealous!” or “you need to see a shrink!.” This is what happens, when Rebecca accuses Ernessa of anything, and the stupidity from the supporting cast of characters in this film is unbelievable.

Also, the tonal shifts create too much confusion. Is the supposed to be a love story or a horror movie? Both? I couldn’t come up with a clear answer for these questions, because The Moth Diaries never maintains a consistent tone. Plus, Rebecca’s narrating almost gave me a headache.

I knew it. As soon as I saw The Moth Diaries pop up under the Chiller Channel, I knew this film would be a giant piece of shit. The Moth Diaries is a boring and dull vampire film with a messy story. Although, I won’t go with a zero rating, because the bloody gross-out scenes are genuinely sickening ( the aftermath of a suicide, and Rebecca’s bloody shower dream sequence with Ernessa). But yeah, it’s still a terrible, terrible film.

Final Rating: 1/10

One For The Money (2012)

**This review contains spoilers**

Stephanie Plum (Katherine Heigl) has fallen on hard times. She can’t find a job, she’s almost out of money, and her fancy sports car has been repossessed. Stephanie doesn’t want to be forced into a situation, where she might have to move back in with her parents, so she needs to find a job, and she needs to find one fast.

With no other available options to choose from, Stephanie turns to her cousin Vinnie (Patrick Fischler). Vinnie is the boss/owner of a bail bonds operation, but he doesn’t want to hire Stephanie at first. Vinnie only wants tough bounty hunters, who can hold their own in the most dangerous situations. Stephanie isn’t too bright, and she really isn’t qualified for the position at all. But Stephanie eventually blackmails her way into a job, and she has her eyes on the big prize. Joe Morelli (Jason O’Mara) is an ex-cop, and Stephanie could earn a $50,000 paycheck, if she brings him in. Stephanie doesn’t have any experience in bounty hunting, but she does receive some help from Ranger (Daniel Sunjata), the only true expert bounty hunter in this film. Stephanie needs the money, and she is more than determined to capture Morelli, because she still has some bitter feelings towards her ex-boyfriend. During her high school years, Morelli seduced Stephanie, took her virginity, and quickly dumped her afterwards. Stephanie is still pissed, and she won’t let anyone get in her way, as she tries to capture her ticket for a new life.

Well, Katherine Heigl was the star of this film, so I guess I couldn’t expect anything good or decent. Heigl was awful as usual, but One For The Money is just a bad film overall.

First of all, One For The Money is supposed to be a COMEDY, but I couldn’t laugh at all. The humor in this film is just dreadful, and the barrage of corny jokes almost gave me a headache. I really did try, but I just couldn’t laugh at anything in this film. The humor felt so forced, and the highly annoying characters didn’t help anything.

And then there’s Katherine Heigl. I’m not a fan of this woman at all, and this is no secret. She is a terrible actress, and she always portrays the same type of character in all of her films (the annoying, pompous, stuck up, self-centered, pretentious bitch). Heigl has starred in some very bad romantic comedies over the years, but she still receives a good amount of work every year. She’s been the leading lady in a handful of mainstream films, but for some asinine reason, Hollywood refuses to pull the plug on her. Heigl CAN’T ACT, she’s not funny, and she has to have one of the most annoying on-screen personas I’ve seen in years.

The Stephanie Plum character does have the backstory of someone, who you would want to feel for. She lost her job, she’s facing some hard times, and she seems like an innocent person, who wanted a chance. But I lost any sort of sympathy for Stephanie pretty quickly. Stephanie is a real klutz throughout this film. She constantly puts other peoples lives in danger, and she is somewhat responsible for one man’s death. They wanted Stephanie to be the loveable screw-up, who you could root for, but for the most part, I despised this character. Of course, Heigl just made everything worse. She delivers the same type of persona, that you will see in her terrible romantic comedies, and Heigl‘s brown hair is the only real change you‘ll see in this film. Heigl really doesn’t have any range at all, she’s not funny, and her performance really drags this film down a lot.

They tried to throw in a shocking surprise at the very end, but I had already given up on One For The Money at this point. Jimmy Alpha (John Leguizamo) is the real murderer, but Joe Morelli was suppose to take the fall. Alpha is the owner of an MMA/boxing gym, and he’s about to kill the only two people, who could connect him to the murder (Stephanie and Joe). But Stephanie manages to kill Alpha with a series of gunshots, and Morelli becomes a free man. Still, Stephanie needs the money, so she decides to capture Morelli. She turns him into the police, and Stephanie collects her $50,000 payday.

Umm, yeah, this might’ve worked for some people, but One For The Money had already pissed me off enough, and I didn’t care about the attempted jaw-dropping surprise. I just wanted this to be over, and for me, nothing could save this film. Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, and Jack Nicholson could’ve all made surprise cameos at the same time, and I still would’ve hated this film. Leguizamo did do a good job with his character, and this surprise did feel unexpected, but this particular shocking effort at the end did have this strong “too little, too late” feeling.

One For The Money should be an early contender for one of the worst films in 2012, because this was a complete train wreck. One For The Money couldn’t provide any laughs for me, and there are way too many annoying characters in this film. The majority of the characters in this film did bring legit feelings of anger out of me, and I felt like punching a hole through something most of the time.

Katherine Heigl will probably receive more starring roles in the future, but one day, I’m hoping the powers that be in Hollywood will realize this woman truly has no talent at all. One For The Money has been a box office flop so far, so Heigl’s reign of terror might come to an end soon enough.

Final Rating: 1/10