Side Effects (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

Emily Taylor (Rooney Mara) is awaiting her husband’s return from jail. After receiving a four year sentence for insider trading, Martin Taylor (Channing Tatum) returns to his wife with the hopes of starting a new life, and slowly piecing everything back together. But Emily has trouble adjusting to Martin’s presence in her life, and Emily quickly sinks into a deep depression. Emily tries to commit suicide by driving her car into a wall, but she survives the crash.

As Emily’s assigned psychiatrist,  Dr. Jonathan Banks (Jude Law) contemplates sending Emily to a mental hospital, but Emily pushes for a series of one on one sessions with Dr. Banks instead, and he agrees. With the help of various medications, Emily slowly recovers from her depression, and the relationship with Martin improves. Emily enjoys her newfound happiness, and Martin is looking for a way to “get back in the game.”

But Emily’s erratic behavior worries Dr. Banks and Martin. As she prepares for dinner one night, Emily murders Martin with a butcher knife during a sleepwalking phase (a side effect from Emily’s most recent prescription drug). Emily’s former psychiatrist, Dr. Victoria Siebert (Catherine Zeta-Jones) lends a helping hand by revealing crucial information about her former patient that could save Emily from a lifelong imprisonment.

As Emily goes through her trial, Dr. Banks’ reputation is destroyed, and answering the three most important questions surrounding Emily’s fate could clear his name, or ruin his life forever: Is Emily just a cold-blooded killer? Is Emily the victim of a bad reaction to the medication? Or did Emily knowingly murder her husband for her own selfish reasons? 

At first, Emily is a sympathetic character. Mara really nailed the broken and helpless victim persona during Emily's breakdown, but as the story develops, Mara shows us a more diabolical and devious personality. Mara’s transformation is smooth, and her ability to bounce back and forth between Evil Emily and Innocent Emily towards the end is remarkable. 

Catherine Zeta-Jones is solid as Dr. Siberet, but she’s more entertaining as the treacherous bitch, who’ll do anything to destroy Dr. Banks. Jude Law is a good leading man, and for the second time, Law forms a cohesive team with director Steven Soderbergh. If Soderbergh sticks around longer (more on that later), Soderbergh/Law could reach the levels of Sam Jackson and Quentin Tarantino, or John Goodman and The Coen Brothers for successful director/actor teams. They won’t reach the levels of Scorsese/De Niro, but both men could have a bright future together. As far as Channing Tatum goes, I don’t think it’s fair to grade his performance here. His screen time is limited, Tatum doesn’t make it to the end, and his character doesn’t have any spoken dialogue in flashbacks.

I’m indifferent to director Steven Soderbergh’s work. I’ll admit, I haven’t seen all of his films (I will never watch Magic Mike), but I really enjoyed Haywire and Contagion. Soderbergh returns to the big screen with precision, and a sleek style for Side Effects. Soderbergh has a formula behind the camera, and he sticks to it. You’ll always notice the crisp cinematography, deliberate pacing, and Soderbergh’s work has a unique and stylish look. It’s weird, because Soderbergh has voiced his desires to retire or “take a break” recently. Contagion, Magic Mike, and Side Effects received positive feedback for the most part, and you could say Soderbergh is peaking at the right time, so why walk away? Unless I forgot some crucial details (family problems, stress, etc.) about Soderbergh’s statements regarding the decision to walk away for a while, I’m honestly baffled by this decision. Filmmaking isn’t like pro sports, or some other profession that requires a physical  effort. You don’t have to worry about the shelf life problem in the world of movies, and I hope Soderbergh will return to directing soon enough.

Side Effects is a real mind-fuck. Side Effects starts out as a cautionary tale about the side effects of anti-depressant medications, and a conspiracy about psychiatrists, who use their patients as guinea pigs for testing new medications. Eventually, the story evolves into an intricate murder mystery, as Dr. Banks struggles to clear his name. Side Effects is a crafty and smart thriller with shocking and thought-provoking twists, and a well-executed suspenseful finale. I know it’s early, but I loved every second of Side Effects, and I was glued to the screen during the last twenty minutes.

Final Rating: 10/10

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

**This review contains spoilers**

Following the conclusion of Paranormal Activity 2, Hunter’s mother, Kristi is dead after an attack from her sister, Katie (Katie Featherston). After an adoption and Katie’s disappearance, Hunter’s name is changed to Wyatt (Aiden Lovekamp). The Nelson’s embrace Wyatt, and his big sister, Alex Nelson (Kathyrn Newton) is determined to protect Wyatt from any danger. The Nelson’s quiet suburban lifestyle takes a turn for the worst, when Katie’s son, Robbie (Brady Allen) enters the picture. Mrs. Nelson decides to invite Robbie to live with the family during his mother’s absence.

But Robbie’s strange mannerisms and unnatural infatuation with an invisible friend (it’s Toby, the invisible demon from the previous films) concerns Alex.During a series of late night web cam sessions, Alex and her boyfriend, Ben (Matt Shively) slowly unravel a paranormal conspiracy surrounding Robbie. Alex tries to explain the bizarre situation to her parents, but they refuse to listen, but Alex will have to come up with a solution soon. When Katie returns, she takes Robbie, but Katie and Toby are targeting Wyatt as their next victim, and Katie won’t stop until her nephew rejoins the family.

Well, as usual the acting is mediocre. Brady Allen has a few moments as the creepy and quiet demon child, but he couldn’t save this cast. Alex and Ben are the most annoying characters in the entire Paranormal Activity franchise, easily. Newton is the typical airheaded teenage blonde, and Shively is the douchebag boyfriend, who tries way too hard to be cool.

 And Paranormal Activity sticks to the same formula AGAIN: an opening that’ll hook you into the story, 45-50 minutes of boring web cam/security camera footage bullshit, the last ten or fifteen minutes are full of suspense, and of course, they end the movie with a “demon attack” cliffhanger. It’s the same old shit all over again, and it was a huge letdown for me, because you know what they’re going for, once you catch on to the routine.

Looking for a SHOCKING return in PA 4? Don’t hold your breath, because instead of introducing another new character with some real significance, they decide to bring back Katie instead. Seriously? Out of all the people to bring back, you pick fucking Katie??? We already know enough major details about Katie, and let’s be honest, she’s not the most interesting or engaging character in the franchise.

Paranormal Activity continues to milk a very thin and weak premise. The story is at a standstill after the FOURTH film. Sorry, but this is just unacceptable. I didn’t love the movie, but Part 3 worked as a prequel, because we learned about Katie and Kristi’s grandmother, and their lives as children. This was a BIG step, because apparently, Katie and Kristi’s grandmother is the mastermind behind the whole witch cult/demonic conspiracy. Part 4 is a prequel to Part 2, but we already know 90% of the details in this film, because previous films explained and revealed the “secrets.” Again, we’re in the fourth film for the PA franchise, and the writers are STILL giving us the runaround bullshit.

Also, the ending is suspenseful, BUT am I the only one, who noticed the similarities between this ending and the ending in PA 3? At the end of PA 3, Toby, the grandmother, and her witch followers attacked and killed the people, who posed a threat to the master plan. Well, at the end of PA 4, Toby attacks Alex’s father, Toby kills her mother, and as she tries to rescue Wyatt, Alex is cornered by a group of possessed women, and a demonized Katie eventually attacks her to end the movie. Just watch both endings from both films, and you’ll see what I’m talking about, because it’s almost impossible to ignore the connections.  

Yeah, as usual, I’ll give this Paranormal film credit for the suspenseful finale, but that doesn’t make up for the 40+ minutes of boredom before the ending. Paranormal Activity 4 is easily the weakest film in this franchise, and the writing is beyond lazy here. For the most part, it’s a very boring and tedious film to sit through, and Katie’s return was very underwhelming and disappointing. Plus, maybe it did something for other PA fans, but I couldn’t stand the glow in the dark X Box Kinect garbage. The directors developed a raging hard-on for the glow in the dark X Box Kinect scenes, and the wow-factor fades away after the first time, because they really ran this gimmick into the ground. This is my first (and probably won’t be the last) PA viewing experience from home, and I’m glad I didn’t waste the time or money to watch this piece of shit in a theater.

Final Rating: 1/10

The ABCs Of Death (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

Twenty-six directors and twenty-six chapters of carnage, The ABCs Of Death will take you on a gory and bloody ride through the alphabet by showing you an assortment of bizarre scenarios for death with each letter. From possessed toilets to deadly farts, The ABCs Of Death spares no expense for brutality, violence, and mayhem.

Oh boy. This was something I’ll never forget, for good and bad reasons. First and foremost, each director/writer for The ABCs Of Death received 100% creative control for their individual letters. Giving creative freedom to the directors and writers was a good thing and a bad thing. On one hand, The ABCs Of Death featured some awesome and shocking shorts (I’ll list my picks for best and worst later on). But on the other hand, some of the shorts were just horrendous, and unbearable most of the time.

It’s a double-edged sword, because the creative freedom really enhanced some of the eccentric uniqueness here. BUT on the flip-side, other directors and writers were trying WAY too hard to be disgusting, shocking, and artistic. Imagine a five year old kid eating a big bag of candy, give him or her a box of crayons or some finger-paint, and then ask them to draw a masterpiece. The end result will be disastrous, and that’s what happens with the bad side of The ABCs Of Death. 

And as with most horror anthologies, inconsistency is a MAJOR problem here. Recently, I watched V/H/S, another horror anthology film. The inconsistency didn’t bother me too much, because if I’m not mistaken, V/H/S only had five or six shorts. But The ABCs Of Death throws twenty-six shorts at you. That’s a lot to sit through, and you won’t have too much wiggle room for bad shorts. A is for Apocalypse was a great opener, B is for Bigfoot was a nice follow-up, and C is for Cycle was really eerie, but things start to go downhill at D is for Dogfight.

The ABCs of Death’s seesaw problem is really annoying. Yeah, when The ABCs Of Death kicked into high gear every now and then, I was glued to the screen, because I couldn’t wait for the next letter. But when everything plummets into a downward spiral again, you’re just stuck there waiting for something good to happen. And with The ABCs Of Death, the long waits feels torturous, because chances are you’re sitting in front of an abomination like F is for Farting.

And here are my picks for some of the best and worst shorts in The ABCs Of Death!

The Best

A is for Apocalypse

A woman is caring for her sick husband, but when he doesn’t kick the bucket on her schedule, the wife decides to speed things up with a butcher knife.

My Thoughts: A is bloody, gory, and shocking. This short sets the tone for The ABCs Of Death, and you know you’re about see a film with some sick and twisted stuff after watching A.

Plus, I enjoyed the twist at the end. At first, you’re wondering why this woman is so determined to murder her husband. After throwing a bowl of scorching soup in his face, she continues to attack him with the butcher knife, and after successfully stabbing him in the throat, the husband demands some answers for his wife’s motivations. The woman reveals a year long plot of poisoning her husband into a slow and painless death. The wife believed in the predictions of an apocalypse, so she didn’t want her husband to suffer an agonizing death. But time ran out, so she decided to try and finish him off before the world came to an end. As the world crumbles, the woman lays next to her husband, and they die together.     

S is for Speed

So two women, who live together are hardcore heroin addicts. One of them has a dream about being chased by the Devil or Grim Reaper (I couldn‘t tell the difference), because he’s coming to take someone with him, and he’s determined to leave with at least one person. The woman having the dream is holding her friend hostage. The kidnapped friend is supposed to be collateral for the time being, because the other woman “isn’t ready yet,” but Death wants the woman, who’s trying to fight the inevitable.

My thoughts: Incredible. This short starts out with a real bang, and there’s a nice little high speed chase at the end. The ending is gut-wrenching, because once death touches the woman he came for, she wakes up into the real world. She ODs from too much junk, and her friend steals the last bag of heroin from her corpse. S is easily my favorite short in this film. Action, emotion, suspense, and the dirty apartment in the real world was an ideal setting for the final minutes of this one.

T is for Toilet

A young kid is afraid to use the toilet for the first time. His parents toss his potty-training toilet in the trash, but the kid has a terrifying nightmare about the family toilet coming to life as a monster, and devouring the whole family………

My Thoughts: The claymation gives this short a cartoonish feeling, and that’s a good thing. The zany stuff in this short is a breath of fresh air, because it gives you a break from the more serious stuff with blood and guts. Yeah, the ending is REALLY messed up, but as I said before, the claymation provides a  lighthearted atmosphere, so it’s not so bad.

M is for Miscarriage

A woman rushes downstairs to grab a plunger, and when she returns to the toilet…..

My Thoughts: Well, Ti West directed this short, so of course I liked it. M is probably the shortest feature in this film, but the final image packs a powerful punch. M’s subtlety during the final shot brought a stunned reaction out of me, and I enjoyed Ti West’s “less is more” strategy.

Honorable mentions: O is for Orgasm, R is Removed, N is for Nuptials  

The Worst

F is for Farting

So the outbreak of a deadly gas is destroying Japan. A young woman, who for some asinine reason is afraid to fart in public, takes refuge with her teacher. The young woman has a crush on her teacher, and her final wish is to die by smelling her fart.

My Thoughts: This….was so bad. It’s so over the top and corny, and most importantly, F wasn’t funny. The CGI for the farts is laughably horrendous, and the ending was beyond ridiculous: somehow, the fart from the teacher transports the student into her rectum.

H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion

A soldier (who’s actually a full grown British bulldog) visit’s a strip joint during World War II. The stripper is a full grown fox, but as she goes through her routine, the fox eventually reveals herself as a Nazi spy.

My Thoughts: For some odd reason, The ABCs Of Death felt the need to run the evil Nazi storylines into the ground. And what’s more amazing than that, is H is not the worst Nazi themed short. The fox’s cheesy diabolical laugh, the tacky special effects, and the stupid conclusion. Everything was a real chore to sit through, and using mascot-like costumes for the main characters was the nail in the coffin for me. This short is just horrible, and I can’t think of any redeeming qualities for H.

W is for WTF!

So the director/writer is trying to come up with something good for the letter W. He’s struggling to find the right concept, but things take a bizarre turn for the worst, when monsters and psychotic zombie clowns take over the world.

My Thoughts: The “breaking the fourth wall” approach is something different of course (it’s not special, because Q is for Quack did the same thing). But WTF! features the same list of reoccurring problems throughout The ABCs Of Death: bad special effects, over the top and unfunny ridiculousness, and a disappointing conclusion.

D is for Dogfight

Desperate and down on his luck, a man decides to fight a dog for money.

My Thoughts: Ugh, this short had so much potential. There’s a nice twist at the end, because as the dog prepares to rip out the man’s throat, the man shouts the name “Buddy,” and the dog freezes. Apparently, the fighter is the owner of the lost dog, and the current owner of the dog stole him away. The real owner gives a command to Buddy, and Buddy mauls the thief to death. D is for Dogfight could’ve been amazing, but the excessive and annoying use of slow motion killed this short. 

Honorable mentions: Z is for Zetsumetsu, G is for Gravity, and K is for Klutz. 

Showing the word behind the letter after each short was a nice touch. Using the “revealing after-the-fact” technique helped maintain the mystery and element of surprise behind each letter, so you don’t go into each short knowing what’s going to happen.

Still, Twenty-six shorts is just too much. It’s kind of hard to experience feelings of shock and disgust once you get past R, because the previous letters do more than enough to bring out these feelings. For example, X is for XXL is about an overweight woman, who’s tormented by a cruel society. She decides to go home, gorge out on food, and vomit afterwards. Then, she uses various cutting tools to remove the fat from her body, so she can fit into a sexy bikini. That sounds nasty, right? Well, after sitting through other bloody murders, torture shorts, and violent mayhem, I couldn’t experience the intended gross-out reaction for a woman mutilating herself. As the stories progressed, I couldn’t overcome the feeling of being burnt-out, and Z was an awful finale.

The bad outweighs the good in The ABCs of Death. Don’t get me wrong, this film features some great shorts, borderline brilliant in some cases. It’s a unique concept, and combining the alphabet with the storytelling style of a horror anthology film should’ve been a match made in heaven. But the bad shorts are really, REALLY bad, and for me, The ABCs Of Death’s garbage destroyed any chances for a good film.

Also, if you’re the squeamish type, you should avoid The ABCs Of Death. This film features pedophilia, disgusting and gory violence, brutality, tons of blood, and you’ll see plenty of “hard to watch” moments here. The ABCs Of Death is an extreme, repulsive, and vulgar horror movie, and it’s not for the weak at heart.


Final Rating: 3/10

The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

Following the events of The Last Exorcism Part I, Nell (Ashley Bell) is still trying to escape the wrath of the evil demon known as Abalam. Nell’s father and brother are still missing, so Nell is forced to live in a foster home for troubled teenage girls.

Nell tries to adjust to a new life, and a friend named Chris (Spencer Treat Clark) wants Nell as a girlfriend, but Nell is still hesitant to trust another man. Nell’s daily routine of working as a cleaning lady for a motel is disrupted, when signs of Abalam’s return surface. Abalam will do anything to reclaim his victim, and an exorcism is Nell’s only hope to survive and finally defeat Abalam.

You know something, I actually enjoyed The Last Exorcism Part I. It was a nice surprise, but Part II is pure trash. With the exception of flashback footage from the first film, Part II completely drops the found-footage style of filmmaking. I’m not a big fan of found-footage flicks, but I didn’t feel any realism in this film, and the shaky cam tricks could’ve added a much needed spark of life to the sequel.

Part II is very, VERY boring. I almost fell asleep at least three times, and staying awake during this film was a real test. The back-breaking and contorted seizure bullshit loses its shock factor after the first twenty-five minutes, and showing Abalam torturing Nell in the flashbacks didn’t help anything. Director Ed Gass-Donnelly randomly (and constantly) inserts flashback footage of Nell’s exorcism and torture scenes from Part I throughout the film. Donnelly wanted to stir up some jump scares with this technique, but the “HOLY SHIT DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO NELL???” flashbacks didn’t do anything for me.

The plot holes are mind-boggling. First, one of the girls in the house has a violent seizure. They call 911, and after that, we never get an update for the girl‘s status. Was Abalam behind the seizure? They never explained anything. Nell’s father pops up out of nowhere halfway through the movie, and he tries to murder Nell, so he can get rid of Abalam once and for all. Eh, where did Nell’s dad come from? How did he find her? Nell’s dad was tied up during that creepy satanic ritual at the end of Part I, so how did he escape? And one of the girls in the house is obviously a servant for Abalam (it‘s the blonde chick in the trailer with the big black, creepy eyes). She murders Nell’s father, and promises Abalam will return to reclaim his number one target…..and her character just fades away after that.

So there’s only one way to stop Abalam: an exorcism! Well, no shit. How else are you suppose to stop the demon? Part II slowly treads through its dull story, and the grand conclusion is a fucking exorcism? Seriously? “We have to stop Abalam! But how?” This was the thought process from every protagonist throughout the movie. It felt like they were trying to build towards something different, but the writers just settled for another exorcism finale. And to top it off, the big exorcism at the end is really lame. They tried an exorcism in Part I, and it DID NOT work, so why would you try it again?

The story barley progresses. We all know Nell is possessed, we all know Abalam is still stalking her (and apparently a part of him is still inside Nell), and anyone, who knows enough about horror movies knows you can’t just outrun a demon. The story hits the standstill wall, and Part II is a prime example of a money-grabbing “let’s just get them into the theater, and then we’ll go from there” boring filler film.

Nell’s sexual antics are kind of awkward. Apparently, Abalam wants Nell as a lover, and Ashley Bell has a handful of weird scenes, where a possessed Nell shows “excitement” for the impending return of Abalam. One scene includes Nell dropping her cleaning duties, so she can listen to another couple having sex in the opposite room. And in another scene, Nell licks one of the girls at the foster home on the side of her face, while she’s sleeping. Yeah.

“It can’t get any worse. It just can’t.” I kept trying to convince myself, but Part II continued to push the limits for a shitty horror movie. Nell is trying to figure out a solution for Abalam’s return, so she asks some voodoo lady for advice. She explains how Abalam is in love with Nell? Oy vey, the demon is in “love” with Nell? Yikes, that just kills the evil mystique for Abalam, but Abalam’s intentions were announced towards the end, and I already gave up on any chances for a decent film.

The Last Exorcism Part II is a tedious and boring chore to sit through, and Part II features one too many unintentionally funny moments. Plus, the CGI is horrendous, and the sporadic bursts of flames at the end sink to low levels of tackiness. Ashley bell deserves a lot of credit, because she gave it her all in the leading role, but Bell couldn’t save this film. Congratulations Part II. You can now join the long list of other shitty horror sequels. Ugh, I actually regret paying the $7.50 matinee price. Hopefully, Part II tanks at the box office, so they won’t feel the need to make a Part III.    

Final Rating: 1/10

Dark Skies (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

Struggling with past due mortgage notices and the plight of unsteady jobs, Lacy Barrett (Keri Russell) and Daniel Barrett (Josh Hamilton) are trying to hold everything together. Their oldest teenage son, Jesse (Dakota Goyo) is stuck in a stubborn rebellious phase, and their youngest son, Sam (Kadan Rockett) continues to dream about mysterious visits from “The Sandman.”

As Daniel fights to secure a higher paying job, the Barrett’s become the victims of nightly intrusions. Sam blames The Sandman, but Lacy investigates to find the reasons behind the odd break-ins. Lacy’s sleuthing leads her to the conclusion of an alien invasion and planned abduction, but Daniel is hesitant to believe his wife at first. But after a meeting with Edwin Pollard (J.K. Simmons), a UFO expert, Daniel prepares to protect his family from a potential abduction. And the situation becomes more serious, when Lacy and Daniel discover the main target for The Grey's (another name for the species of aliens targeting The Barretts) looming abduction: Sam.

Keri Russell easily delivers the best performance in the leading role, and the rest of the cast is decent enough. But Goyo is kind of annoying as the rebellious teenage punk. J.K. Simmons’ screen time is limited to cameo status. It’s a shame, because the Edwin character had some real promise as the eccentric and obsessed alien expert.

Before I move on, I have to point out a bizarre connection to Signs. Towards the end, Daniel FINALLY believes Lacy’s suspicions of an alien invasion. Lacy buys a dog, Daniel picks up a shotgun at the local gun store, and Daniel boards up the house to keep The Greys at bay for a while. On the night of the big invasion/abduction, Daniel, Lacy, and the kids are sitting around the table eating dinner, or their “last meal.” Daniel reminisces about the births of his two sons, and he retells stories from Sam and Jesse’s childhoods.  The aliens start to break through the boards, the dog starts barking like crazy, and Lacy rushes the kids upstairs, while Daniel fires the shotgun every five seconds. Eventually, the entire family hides in one room, and Daniel prepares for the last stand against the aliens.

In Signs, Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix barricade the house with wooden boards on the night of an invasion, preparing for the last stand against the aliens. Merrill (Phoenix) and the kids had to convince Graham (Gibson) to believe in the possibility of an alien invasion. During the family’s last meal, and the alien’s intrusion, Graham reminisces about the births of his kids, and he retells childhood memories. As the aliens approach the house, the dog starts barking, but the aliens murder the dog (guessing, because they don’t actually show the aliens harming the dog in Signs). Graham, Merrill, and the kids hide in the basement, and they prepare for the last stand.

PLEASE, tell me I’m not the only one, who noticed the similarities? Both scenarios are SO similar. The guy doesn’t want to believe in the possibility of aliens, so someone close had to convince him. The man of the house has to find his courage to protect the family in a last stand, while recalling precious memories one last time. The aliens target a kid in BOTH films, and the family in Dark Skies has a dog! Again, I’m probably jumping to wild conclusions. I’m not accusing Scott Stewart (the writer and director for Dark Skies) of plagiarism, but as the grand finale unfolded, I started connecting the dots to Signs, and the similarities just blew me away.

And speaking of the grand finale, there’s a nice twist at the end. So the story wants you to believe the aliens are coming after Sam, they won‘t take no for an answer, and the foreshadowing is VERY obvious. Well, when they aliens finally show up in a big group at the end, they are determined to take one kid from Lacy and Daniel…..but Jesse is the victim, not Sam. Through a series of flashbacks, Dark Skies pieces together the puzzle for the reasons behind Jesse’s abduction, and this twist was genuinely shocking for me, because I didn’t see it coming.

The trailers kind of worried me a few months ago, but when you actually see the footage in the movie, everything is different. The scene where Kerri Russell bangs her head against the glass door is really creepy and unsettling. The scene with the flock of birds crashing into the house is short, but at the same time, it’s intense, and Russell’s panicked reaction pulled everything together. 

Is Dark Skies a great movie? No. No, it’s not. In fact, if you plan on watching this film, you should wait for the DVD, Blu-Ray, Netflix, or wait for the release on various internet VOD services. BUT Dark Skies surprised the hell out of me. Truth be told, I went into this film with very low expectations, but Dark Skies is an enjoyable sci-fi thriller. Stewart provides the perfect chilling and eerie atmosphere throughout this film, and Dark Skies features a few decent jump scares every now and then. Although, the overexposure and the annoying “THIS IS WHAT THE ALIENS ARE PLANNING. WE NEED TO DO SOMETHING!!!” foreshadowing really irritated me at times. Still, Dark Skies held my attention for one hour and thirty-five minutes, and I was on the edge of my seat during the pulse-pounding finale.    


 Final Rating: 7/10

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)

As children, Hansel and Gretel are rushed into the forest by their father one night. Hansel and Gretel are forced into an underground hiding space, and their father leaves them alone in an effort to protect his wife, but he never returns.

Eventually, Hansel and Gretel are lured into a house made of candy. But an evil witch is lurking inside, and she captures and plans to cook Hansel and Gretel alive. Gretel escapes, rescues her brother, and a magical spell prevents the witch from killing Gretel. Hansel and Gretel turn the tables on the evil witch, tossing her inside the oven for a slow and painful death. After the deaths of their mother and father, Hansel and Gretel are forced to live on their own.

Many years later, Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) are popular and deadly witch hunters motivated by revenge and a hatred for witches. Hansel and Gretel’s services are needed in a small town with an alarming missing children’s problem. Witches are the prime suspects, and Hansel saves a local townswoman named Mina (Pihla Viitala) from an execution. Mina is the prime suspect at first, but things change, when Muriel (Famke Janssen) comes into the picture. Hansel and Gretel will have to fight off the local sheriff and his men, and uncover the mystery behind Muriel’s diabolical plans before it’s too late. As an obsessed fan, Ben (Thomas Mann) lends a helping hand, but Muriel’s powers and loyal minions will give Hansel and Gretel their toughest challenge yet. 

First of all, I loved, loved, LOVED Famke Janssen here. Her performance just flowed so naturally, and Janssen’s delightfully wicked portrayal of Muriel is fun to watch. Renner was okay as the typical bad ass hunter with a mean streak, and Arterton was just eye candy for the most part. She had a few moments as the “woman, who can defend herself, and not take shit from anybody“, but overall, Arterton’s good looks triumphed over her acting skills for the Gretel character. Thomas Mann is entertaining as the goofy fanboy, but Janssen is the true star of this cast.

I enjoyed Witch Hunters cheesy comedy, and this film brought a few good laughs out of me. Yeah, the jokes are corny, but Hansel & Gretel is a parody film, so you have to expect the constant barrage of over the top silliness. Also, I took a chance on the 3D, and I’m glad I did. Witch Hunters features some cool 3D effects, and you’ll see a good amount of body parts and splatters of blood flying at you here.

BUT I will admit, Witch Hunters takes an awkward turn, when Muriel transforms into a full-blown witch for the first time. As full-blown witches, Muriel and her minions are supposed to inspire fear, but the witch form of Muriel didn’t disgust me. And on the flip-side of that, the witch forms for Muriel and her followers didn’t cross the “too goofy” line for me. In fact, I thought Janssen and her minions were kind of attractive as witches, but that’s just me.

A part of me wants to give this film a ten, but I can’t, because I know it’s not that good, not by a long shot. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters puts a spin on the famous fairy tale with gruesome and bloody violence, and I love mindless fun horror comedies, so Witch Hunters was a great guilty pleasure for me. 

Final Rating: 6/10

Movie 43 (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**


Charlie Wessler (Dennis Quaid) is down on his luck. Charlie tries to pitch a unique idea for a movie to Griffin Schraeder (Greg Kinnear), a film executive. Charlie proposes an idea that would involve various comedy shorts featuring notable Hollywood stars. Charlie’s edginess and vulgarity is too much for Griffin, but Charlie forces Griffin into a meeting to discuss the film at gunpoint. Griffin must convince his boss, Bob (Common) to buy the movie, and he must interrupt a very important meeting with Seth MacFarlane to do so. Charlie needs the money and fame to resurrect his career, and “The Pitch” could give him one more shot at stardom.

Movie 43 is not funny. I might as well get that out of the way now, because I’ll probably go on another long rant. Movie 43 tries WAY too hard. Being outrageous and vulgar is one thing, but when you constantly shove gross-out gags and profane comedy down the audience’s throat, the jokes just lose their shock factor after a while. Movie 43 is a prime example for one of the worst cases of overkill I’ve ever seen in any type of movie. And here come the examples (in no specific order, just picking out the worst ones)!

#1- Beth (Kate Winslet) is looking for the right guy, so she goes on a blind date with Davis (Hugh Jackman), a wealthy and successful businessman. Beth is overwhelmed with joy…..until Davis removes his scarf to reveal a scrotum attached to his chin.

My Thoughts: Eh, the shock factor of seeing Hugh Jackman with a scrotum attached to his chin wore off pretty quickly for me. It wasn’t funny, and the over the top antics didn’t help anything. And for some strange reason Beth is the ONLY person, who notices, and has a problem with Davis’ unusual condition? Okay then. I’ll give Kate Winslet and Jackman credit for effort, but Jackman’s freak show carny character wasn‘t funny. In fact, the bearded lady would’ve been a better choice.

#2- Jason (Chris Pratt) and Vanessa (Anna Faris) have plans to take their relationship to the next level. During a picnic, Jason prepares to propose to Vanessa, but before he can pop the big question, Vanessa reveals her fantasy: she wants Jason to defecate on her. Jason is the loyal husband, so he decides to honor Vanessa’s request by loading up on Mexican food and a liquid laxative. But Jason and Vanessa run into some problems on the big night.

My Thoughts: What…the fuck? Truth be told, I knew the big secret behind this short, because I watched the red band trailers. STILL, this. Was. Not. Funny! The shitty conclusion (no pun intended) involves Jason running out into the street to catch Vanessa after an argument. And as he’s chasing his girlfriend, Jason is hit by a car in the rear, and Jason has an accident on impact. Pratt and Faris are married in real life, so I guess they felt comfortable doing this bizarre short with each other. But I couldn’t get into this. I just couldn’t. There’s a scene, where Jason discusses the strategy for the big night with his friends during a barbecue, while Vanessa decorates a cake with poo colored frosting. Yeah.

3#- Emily (Halle Berry) and Donald (Stephen Merchant) are on a blind date at a Mexican restaurant. Emily and Donald met each other through an online dating service, but Emily is bored during the date, so she decides to spice things up with a risky game of truth or dare.

My Thoughts: Overkill is a reoccurring  problem for Movie 43, and this short is a prime example of the second biggest problem here. The game of truth or dare between Emily and Donald wasn’t bad at first. Emily dares Donald to grab a guy’s butt, and Donald dares Emily to blow out the candles on a blind kid’s birthday cake. But they ran the dare gimmick into the ground. Halle Berry fills up a turkey baster with hot sauce, and she sticks it in her……well, just use your imagination. And somehow they managed to top the awfulness of that dare with dueling plastic surgery dares between Emily and Donald. Halley Berry’s prosthetic, floppy, and large breasts brought a facepalm out of me, and during another dare, Berry dips her breasts in guacamole sauce.

4#- Robert (Liev Schreiber) and Samantha (Naomi Watts) are home schooling their son, Kevin (Jeremy Allen White). But Robert and Samantha’s odd methods raise some serious questions for two visiting neighbors.

My Thoughts: Well, Robert and Samantha are home schooling Kevin, but they decide to bully him at the same time. That’s right. And the methods of bullying include, but are not limited to, tying Kevin to  a flagpole in the front yard, using feces to write obscenities on his chest, locking him outside of the house during a party, and teasing incest. Again, I tried to laugh, but I just couldn’t.

Movie 43 is a giant shit-fest. The novelty of popular celebrities humiliating themselves didn’t last long for me. In fact, this novelty wore off in the first fifteen minutes. I was HOPING for Movie 43 to get better as time passed, but it didn’t. Also, Snooki has a cameo in this film.

The superhero skit was incredibly lame, because it revolved around Batman being a dick, and a lame running joke about Kristen Bell’s private parts. Chloe Grace Moretz and Christopher Mintz-Plasse’s short was an abomination. Moretz’s character experiences her first period, and for some asinine reason everyone panics? And the solution is to use one of those micro fiber mops as a cork to stop Moretz’s “problem.” The Leprechaun short with Johnny Knoxville, Sean William Scott, and Gerard Butler was hideous, and they ran every dick joke imaginable into the ground. The iBabe garbage was beyond stupid. In short, it’s a storyline about life sized iPods with naked women. Kate Bosworth and Richard Gere are executives of the company for the iBabe. Bosworth is trying to shut down production, because teenage males are injuring themselves by playing with the bottom half of the iBabe.

And the commercials within the movie just felt like a big waste of time. The iBabe commercials showed another naked woman, and the black and white commercial with office workers spitting on underprivileged children, who operate copying machines couldn‘t pull the intended shock value laugh out of me. Also, they just had to throw in the predictable and lame post-credits blooper/gag reel featuring the entire cast.

But stick around after the credits, because Movie 43 has one more trick up its sleeve! Elizabeth Banks’ character is in a committed and loving relationship with Josh Duhamel’s character. But there’s one problem…… Anson’s (Duhamel) homosexual cat named Beezel is attracted to his owner, and Beezel hates Amy (Banks) for coming between them. Oh, and the cat is animated (I’m not kidding). Beezel is shown in some pretty graphic sexual situations for an animated cat. Beezel uses a hairbrush to cope with (use your imagination) the thought of losing Anson, and Beezel’s actions left me speechless, but not for good reasons, though. The final scene involves Amy walking into a trap set up by Beezel, leading to a fight between the two, and Amy is beaten to death by a group of children at a birthday party? Seriously? And the children use party favors to murder Amy. 

I honestly can’t imagine someone having any middle ground for Movie 43. You’re going to hate it, or you’re going to love it. It’s that simple. And I hated it, easily the biggest turkey of 2013 so far. Ugh, I can’t believe I wasted time watching this. 

Final Rating: 0/10