Saturday, February 16, 2013

Movie 43 (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

Charlie Wessler (Dennis Quaid) is down on his luck. Charlie tries to pitch a unique idea for a movie to Griffin Schraeder (Greg Kinnear), a film executive. Charlie proposes an idea that would involve various comedy shorts featuring notable Hollywood stars. Charlie’s edginess and vulgarity is too much for Griffin, but Charlie forces Griffin into a meeting to discuss the film at gunpoint. Griffin must convince his boss, Bob (Common) to buy the movie, and he must interrupt a very important meeting with Seth MacFarlane to do so. Charlie needs the money and fame to resurrect his career, and “The Pitch” could give him one more shot at stardom.

Movie 43 is not funny. I might as well get that out of the way now, because I’ll probably go on another long rant. Movie 43 tries WAY too hard. Being outrageous and vulgar is one thing, but when you constantly shove gross-out gags and profane comedy down the audience’s throat, the jokes just lose their shock factor after a while. Movie 43 is a prime example for one of the worst cases of overkill I’ve ever seen in any type of movie. And here come the examples (in no specific order, just picking out the worst ones)!

#1- Beth (Kate Winslet) is looking for the right guy, so she goes on a blind date with Davis (Hugh Jackman), a wealthy and successful businessman. Beth is overwhelmed with joy…..until Davis removes his scarf to reveal a scrotum attached to his chin.

My Thoughts: Eh, the shock factor of seeing Hugh Jackman with a scrotum attached to his chin wore off pretty quickly for me. It wasn’t funny, and the over the top antics didn’t help anything. And for some strange reason Beth is the ONLY person, who notices, and has a problem with Davis’ unusual condition? Okay then. I’ll give Kate Winslet and Jackman credit for effort, but Jackman’s freak show carny character wasn‘t funny. In fact, the bearded lady would’ve been a better choice.

#2- Jason (Chris Pratt) and Vanessa (Anna Faris) have plans to take their relationship to the next level. During a picnic, Jason prepares to propose to Vanessa, but before he can pop the big question, Vanessa reveals her fantasy: she wants Jason to defecate on her. Jason is the loyal husband, so he decides to honor Vanessa’s request by loading up on Mexican food and a liquid laxative. But Jason and Vanessa run into some problems on the big night.

My Thoughts: What…the fuck? Truth be told, I knew the big secret behind this short, because I watched the red band trailers. STILL, this. Was. Not. Funny! The shitty conclusion (no pun intended) involves Jason running out into the street to catch Vanessa after an argument. And as he’s chasing his girlfriend, Jason is hit by a car in the rear, and Jason has an accident on impact. Pratt and Faris are married in real life, so I guess they felt comfortable doing this bizarre short with each other. But I couldn’t get into this. I just couldn’t. There’s a scene, where Jason discusses the strategy for the big night with his friends during a barbecue, while Vanessa decorates a cake with poo colored frosting. Yeah.

3#- Emily (Halle Berry) and Donald (Stephen Merchant) are on a blind date at a Mexican restaurant. Emily and Donald met each other through an online dating service, but Emily is bored during the date, so she decides to spice things up with a risky game of truth or dare.

My Thoughts: Overkill is a reoccurring  problem for Movie 43, and this short is a prime example of the second biggest problem here. The game of truth or dare between Emily and Donald wasn’t bad at first. Emily dares Donald to grab a guy’s butt, and Donald dares Emily to blow out the candles on a blind kid’s birthday cake. But they ran the dare gimmick into the ground. Halle Berry fills up a turkey baster with hot sauce, and she sticks it in her……well, just use your imagination. And somehow they managed to top the awfulness of that dare with dueling plastic surgery dares between Emily and Donald. Halley Berry’s prosthetic, floppy, and large breasts brought a facepalm out of me, and during another dare, Berry dips her breasts in guacamole sauce.

4#- Robert (Liev Schreiber) and Samantha (Naomi Watts) are home schooling their son, Kevin (Jeremy Allen White). But Robert and Samantha’s odd methods raise some serious questions for two visiting neighbors.

My Thoughts: Well, Robert and Samantha are home schooling Kevin, but they decide to bully him at the same time. That’s right. And the methods of bullying include, but are not limited to, tying Kevin to  a flagpole in the front yard, using feces to write obscenities on his chest, locking him outside of the house during a party, and teasing incest. Again, I tried to laugh, but I just couldn’t.

Movie 43 is a giant shit-fest. The novelty of popular celebrities humiliating themselves didn’t last long for me. In fact, this novelty wore off in the first fifteen minutes. I was HOPING for Movie 43 to get better as time passed, but it didn’t. Also, Snooki has a cameo in this film.

The superhero skit was incredibly lame, because it revolved around Batman being a dick, and a lame running joke about Kristen Bell’s private parts. Chloe Grace Moretz and Christopher Mintz-Plasse’s short was an abomination. Moretz’s character experiences her first period, and for some asinine reason everyone panics? And the solution is to use one of those micro fiber mops as a cork to stop Moretz’s “problem.” The Leprechaun short with Johnny Knoxville, Sean William Scott, and Gerard Butler was hideous, and they ran every dick joke imaginable into the ground. The iBabe garbage was beyond stupid. In short, it’s a storyline about life sized iPods with naked women. Kate Bosworth and Richard Gere are executives of the company for the iBabe. Bosworth is trying to shut down production, because teenage males are injuring themselves by playing with the bottom half of the iBabe.

And the commercials within the movie just felt like a big waste of time. The iBabe commercials showed another naked woman, and the black and white commercial with office workers spitting on underprivileged children, who operate copying machines couldn‘t pull the intended shock value laugh out of me. Also, they just had to throw in the predictable and lame post-credits blooper/gag reel featuring the entire cast.

But stick around after the credits, because Movie 43 has one more trick up its sleeve! Elizabeth Banks’ character is in a committed and loving relationship with Josh Duhamel’s character. But there’s one problem…… Anson’s (Duhamel) homosexual cat named Beezel is attracted to his owner, and Beezel hates Amy (Banks) for coming between them. Oh, and the cat is animated (I’m not kidding). Beezel is shown in some pretty graphic sexual situations for an animated cat. Beezel uses a hairbrush to cope with (use your imagination) the thought of losing Anson, and Beezel’s actions left me speechless, but not for good reasons, though. The final scene involves Amy walking into a trap set up by Beezel, leading to a fight between the two, and Amy is beaten to death by a group of children at a birthday party? Seriously? And the children use party favors to murder Amy. 

I honestly can’t imagine someone having any middle ground for Movie 43. You’re going to hate it, or you’re going to love it. It’s that simple. And I hated it, easily the biggest turkey of 2013 so far. Ugh, I can’t believe I wasted time watching this. 

Final Rating: 0/10

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