The Loved Ones (2009)

Heartbroken over his father’s death, Brent (Xaiver Samuel) hides his pain by cutting himself in the torso, and smoking marijuana. Brent’s overprotective mother, Carla (Suzi Dougherty)  tries to provide comfort, but Brent fights his mother’s ongoing mission to shield him from the real world.

Distant and anti-social, Brent finds solace in his girlfriend, Holly (Victoria Thaine), as they prepare to go to the senior prom together. One day, Brent receives a random and unexpected request for a date to the prom. A shy and nervous Lola (Robin McLeavy) asks Brent to the prom, but Brent politely refuses.

In an attempt to clear his head before the prom, Brent spends some time alone at a secret hideaway. But Lola’s father attacks him from behind, and he kidnaps Brent. Brent awakes tied to a chair in Lola’s house. Lola’s father or “Daddy” (John Brumpton) has set up a prom-like atmosphere. Lola is the Princess, and whether he likes it or not, Brent is the King. Brent has to play along with Lola’s prom, or he will suffer a slow and agonizing death.

The entire cast is spot on. McLeavy is the perfect psycho, Brumpton is believable, as the deranged and loyal father,  and Samuel nails the Brent character. He’s a broken high school student, who can’t let go of the past, and for me, Samuel was the highlight of this cast. And she doesn’t speak a word in this film, but you can’t ignore Anne Scott-Pendlebury’s (Bright Eyes/Lola’s mother) unsettling presence.

Director Sean Byrne spares no expense for gory violence. Lola literally drills a hole in Brent’s head, Brent’s feet are nailed to the floor, and Daddy threatens to nail Brent’s penis to the chair, when Brent refuses to pee inside a glass. If you’re looking for lots of blood and guts, The Loved Ones won’t disappoint you at all.

I don’t have any major complaints about Byrne’s directing, but his screenplay? That’s another issue. Why, and I mean WHY in the name of all things holy did Lola and Daddy torture Brent? Lola is a fragile young girl, that’s obvious, but fuck, you have to really hate someone to kidnap and torture them. Sorry, but the “you won’t go with me to the prom!” stuff is not good enough, and I couldn’t buy into Lola’s motivations for torturing Brent.

Plus, the story takes a wild turn towards the end. After labeling Brent a “frog,” Lola decides her father is the true love of her life? That’s right, so after torturing this poor kid, she suddenly DECIDES she’s in love with her father. And Byrne cuts away from it at after a distraction from Brent, but Lola was clearly about to kiss her father on the lips during the King and Queen dance.

And to add another bizarre layer to this story, Lola and her father apparently have a habit of kidnapping and torturing young guys/potential prom dates. Beneath the floor in her house, Lola has a secret pit that houses mutilated teenage guys (or “frogs“). Also, after suffering through the torture from Lola and Daddy, the mutilated teens become bloodthirsty cannibals? Again, WHY? Can anyone else think of a legit reason to hold cannibals in Lola’s house? I tried to think of an answer, but I couldn’t come up with one.

Plus, Byrne adds this fucking stupid and pointless storyline with two other high school kids. The guy is a shy and uptight pothead, and his date is a depressed and creepy goth chick. Byrne WASTED so much time with both characters, because they don’t serve a purpose for the main story arc.

The Loved Ones is loaded with sickening bloody gore and sadistic torture scenes, and the bloody stuff is more than capable of bringing a few squirms out of you, but the story is an unfocused mess. An illogical kidnapping and torture storyline devolves into a brief and creepy incest love story between Lola and Daddy. And it didn’t work for me, but Byrne tries to compensate for the shabby story with an endless amount of gross-out moments.

I honestly can’t understand the praise for this film. The Loved Ones has a 97% on Rotten Tomatoes, and the vast majority of horror fans worship this piece of shit. Don’t buy into the hype, because The Loved Ones is not a modern day horror classic at all.

Final Rating: 1/10

The Caller (2011)

**This review contains spoilers**

Trying to escape her abusive ex-husband, Mary (Rachelle Lefevre) moves into a new apartment. Mary develops a strange obsession with an antique phone in the apartment, and soon enough, Mary receives calls from a woman named Rose (Lorna Raver). At first, Mary enjoys Rose’s company, but Rose’s friendly calls quickly turn into a series of vicious threats.

Mary seeks help from her new neighbor George (Luis Guzman), and a teacher/friend named John (Stephen Moyer), but when Mary accuses Rose of time travel, her story becomes more difficult to believe. Steven’s (Mary’s ex-husband) defiance against the restraining takes a backseat to Mary’s major problem, when Rose starts killing off the people closest to Mary in the past. After pressuring George into giving her some answers, Mary learns the devastating truth about her apartment’s history: years ago, Rose lived in Mary’s apartment, and as the jealous and controlling wife, Rose suddenly murdered her husband one night. Mary is running out of solutions for her bizarre problem, and the situation takes a drastic turn for the worst, when Rose finds Mary as a child in the past…..

Nobody gives an outstanding or terrible performance worthy of individual recognition here, but The Caller features a capable cast overall.

You might enjoy The Caller…..if you can buy into the story, and believe me, that’s easier said than done. First of all, I had a problem with Rose locating Mary’s friends/lovers in the past. How is it possible? Except for first names, Mary didn’t reveal any crucial details (last names, address numbers, etc.). And how did Rose find Mary as a child in the past? I can understand if Mary lived in Rose’s apartment complex as a child, but she didn’t. In the past, Rose uses hot cooking oil to burn Mary as a child, and of course, the wounds appear on adult Mary’s body. Mary’s burns could’ve been the “OH MY GOD THAT WAS SICK!” gross-out moment of the film, but I couldn’t look past the plot holes for Rose finding Mary as a child.

But wait, it gets better! Towards the very end of the film, Rose is fed up with Mary’s games and lies (earlier in the film, Mary tries to trick Rose into a fatal accident during a phone conversation), so she decides to travel to the present to kill Mary, and she shows up at Mary‘s front door? Um, okay, how is this possible??? Did Mary use some kind of secret time machine? Because the story NEVER explains how Rose was able to travel through time, come to the present, and try to kill Mary. And more importantly, if Rose was capable of traveling through time from the start, then why didn’t she use time travel to kill Mary in the first place? Instead, she wastes time threatening Mary via phone calls, giving Mary a chance to come up with a strategy to kill her? That doesn’t make sense at all.

And speaking of the ending, it was kind of ridiculous. So Rose shows up to Mary’s apartment in the future. She’s trying to break through the front door, and finish Mary off once and for all. Out of panic and desperation, Mary picks up the antique phone, and she calls herself as a child in the past. In the past, Rose kidnaps Mary as a child, but the child version of Mary is the only hope for Mary in the future. Yeah, I know it’s more confusing and off the wall than it sounds. Anyway, after gaining the trust of Mary in the past, future Mary convinces child Mary to pick up a piece of broken glass, and kill Rose in the past? So now there’s two adult Roses, and somehow they’re capable of being in two time periods at once? Okay then. Child Mary eventually finds Rose in the past, and she kills her with the broken piece of glass. Rose in the future suddenly disappears, and future Mary orders child Mary to go home.

The Caller features a VERY shaky story, and if you can’t buy into it, you’ll probably hate this film, it’s just that simple. It’s annoying and baffling, but you know what, I’m not going with a negative score here. The Caller is a trainwreck from beginning to end, but I couldn’t pull myself away from this trainwreck. The Caller is a nonsensical mess, but this film was able to hold my attention, and I wanted to know what happened next. I was hooked into every dumbfounding twist and turn, and she’s not too bright, but I rooted for Mary’s survival. It’s not a unique or sophisticated suspense thriller, but I’m giving The Caller a “guilty pleasure” pass.

Final Rating: 5/10

Django Unchained (2012)

So after three years of waiting for his next film, I FINALLY watched Django Unchained last night.

As expected, the acting was just phenomenal, and Tarantino is a master of assembling the perfect cast. Jamie Foxx really nailed Django, and yes, he was believable as a bad ass. The whipping scars and his scruffy hair-do helped pull everything together, but Foxx really put his heart and soul into this character. Christoph Waltz's performance as Dr. King Schultz resembled Hans Landa from Inglorious Basterds. You know, the devious and sophisticated gentlemen with a nasty side. Of course, Schultz is one of the good guys here. And she doesn't speak too much, but Kerry Washington did a wonderful job of using her body language to express fear and anxiety through a series of facial expressions.

The Brittle Brothers and Big Daddy (Don Johnson) don't last long, but when their characters appear, Leo and Sam Jackson make up for the void of lost bad guys. Sam Jackson didn't just deliver his best performance in a Quentin Tarantino film, this is the best performance I've seen from him in any film. Stephen is the sniveling and loyal house for slave for Calvin Candie (Leo). He's they type of antagonist that you can hate and pity, and Stephen provides a few laughs every now and then.

And Leonardo DiCaprio was just fantastic as Calvin Candie. Candie is the merciless and powerful slave owner. Leo has a strong presence on screen, as this delightfully evil slave owner, and his intense and charismatic performance is so fun to watch. Plus, the woman, who plays Calvin's ditzy and snobbish sister (can't find her name) deserves some credit for the A+ cast of antagonists.

For me, Django was an upgrade over Inglorious Basterds. I won't put it up on the pedestal with Pulp Fiction and Reservoir Dogs. It's in the pack with Kill Bill Vol. 1 and Jackie Brown, and that's not bad at all. Tarantino didn't revolutionize the Western genre with this film, but Django is an enjoyable revenge flick.

And now it's time for my major gripe with this film. I don't know about everyone else, but I hard time getting into the mentorship/training storyline with Django and Schultz. I understand the reasons behind Tarantino wanting to show Django's road to being a bad ass, but the initial storyline between Schultz and Django just drags and drags, and truth be told, it's very uninteresting at times. It wasn't unbearably bad, but Django Unchained doesn't kick into high gear until Candie and Stephen come into the picture.

Django Unchained is brutal, bloody, violent, funny, and Tarantino spares no expense for the hard to watch moments in this film. The dialogue is sharp, and the "we can't see anything through these masks!" scene with Jonah Hill, and Don Johnson is hilarious. And Tarantino's cameo is just priceless. Although, I wish I could've seen more of Walton Goggins, because he doesn't appear until the end.

Also, as far as the music goes, with the exception of "Ain't No Grave," and the opening Django theme, everything else was sub par. I'm not 100% certain, but I'm pretty sure I heard a Tupac song during the final shootout/Django's last stand, but it wasn't something to remember.

Final Rating: 9/10

EXTRA TIDBIT: After thinking it over for a day, I've come to conclusion that Django Unchained deserves a higher score, so I'm bumping it up one point! 

The Dictator (2012)

The North African Republic of Wadiya could be the next target of a military invasion, and their refusal to remove nuclear weapons might start a disastrous war. Admiral General Hafez Aladeen (Sacha Baron Cohen) is the stubborn dictator, who refuses to obey the demands from the United Nations Security Council. Eventually, Aladeen arrives in New York City, and he will give a speech at UN headquarters. Aladeen agrees to address the situation, but he has no intentions of changing his mind. But Aladeen’s sudden kidnapping disrupts his initial plans. Aladeen loses his trademark beard, and he must thwart a plot to destroy his image. Aladeen will have to live life as a normal American citizen, and he must earn the trust of an environmentalist/activist named Zoey (Anna Faris) to regain his identity and leadership of Wadiya, or Aladeen will just become another normal guy in the states.

Sacha Baron Cohen’s impressive character transformations are fun to watch. Cohen has the ability to immerse himself in any type of character, and I can always believe him as the person I see on-screen. In Borat, I didn’t see Sacha Baron Cohen, I saw a rude and insensitive reporter from Kazakstani. In Brüno, I didn’t see Cohen, I saw a flamboyant Austrian fashion reporter and a proud gay man. And when it comes to The Dictator, I saw a selfish and immature dictator, who whined like a petulant child, when he didn’t get his way. Baron Cohen takes all of his movie personas VERY seriously, and he rarely breaks character in the real world. Baron Cohen’s incident involving Ryan Seacrest during the red carpet show for the Oscars this year is a prime example of his dedication, and when the situation became serious, Cohen STAYED in character, acting as if he did nothing wrong. He’s like a wrestler from the old school, who refuses to break kayfabe outside of the ring; it’s really something to admire, when you stop and think about it.

The mockumentary style of filmmaking has become a trademark for Baron Cohen’s films, that feature him in a starring role. Well, The Dictator sticks to this particular style of filmmaking at first, but as time progresses, The Dictator begins to develop an actual storyline: Aladeen must uncover the mystery of his disappearance, and with the help of Zoey and his hand picked nuclear weapons specialist from Wadiya, Aladeen will fight to regain his identity. I enjoyed the transition from a documentary style film to an actual comedy with a plot, because it made everything feel different. I love Sacha Baron Cohen, but the “realistic” style of filmmaking featured in his movies can feel tiresome after a while, and the slight change feels refreshing.

The Dictator features a good amount of raunchy and vulgar humor, and you have to expect this from a Baron Cohen film. The Dictator is a hilarious comedy, that features consistent laughs, and the acting is pretty damn good. Baron Cohen delivered another enjoyable performance, and Anna Faris was very solid here. Faris was this cheery hippie, but she could also showcase the passionate activist side of the Zoey character. Ben Kingsley was a fine choice for the Tamir character, but the lack of John C. Reilly did bother me a little bit. You might feel the irony during Baron Cohen’s speech towards the very end, as he explains the differences between a dictatorship and a democracy, but The Dictator deserves a place amongst high quality comedies in 2012 regardless. Oh, and the cameos from Megan Fox and Edward Norton were just great, especially Norton’s surprise appearance.

Final Rating: 7/10

Dark Tide (2012)

**This review contains spoilers**

Kate Mathieson (Halle Berry) enjoys her life, as a highly skilled marine biologist and diver. Kate earned a well respected reputation as the “shark whisperer” during her swimming adventures with Great White Sharks, but during a routine dive, Kate makes a fatal mistake. Her incorrect command causes the death of a friend and fellow diver, and Kate can’t escape the guilt of this tragic accident.

One year later, Kate is trying to move on, and pick up the broken pieces in her life. Kate is the owner of boat tour service in Cape Town, South Africa, but Kate can’t handle the thought of dealing with sharks anymore. Instead, she gives tours for the more friendly sea creatures (seals, whales, dolphins, etc.), but past due bills are becoming a serious problem. Kate is desperate, broke, and down on her luck, but her husband/business partner could provide some much needed help. Jeff Mathieson (Oliver Martinez) has found a rich and cocky client, who is willing to spend a lot of money for a sea tour….but Brady Ross (Ralph Brown) wants to see sharks, and Kate‘s expert guidance is required. Brady is more than willing to take the risk, but Kate isn’t ready to deal with sharks again. She can’t escape the memories of the attack, and she continues to hold a grudge against Jeff, but Kate needs the money, so she agrees to do the tour. But the simple tour eventually takes a turn for the worst, and Kate will have to face her fears of sharks, because returning to the water becomes an inescapable life or death decision.

Boring. This is the one word I would use to describe Dark Tide. This was supposed to be a suspense/thriller, but trying to stay awake during this film was a real test. I almost fell asleep three of four times, because Dark Tide couldn’t provide any real suspense or thrills for me. John Stockwell’s horribly bland style of directing really hurt this film, and Dark Tide just goes through the motions the entire time. You can see everything coming from a mile away, and for me, Dark Tide didn’t provide an enjoyable ride to the end. Dark Tide has a runtime of one hour and fifty-four minutes, and you will feel every second of it, because this film just drags along, and the painful boredom caused too many facepalms for me. “OH GOD, WHEN WILL THIS END!?!?!” This is the one question I kept asking myself throughout this film, because the story for Dark Tide doesn’t feature a lot of depth. Nearly two hours was too much to handle, and they really didn’t need this much time to explain the shallow and thin story for Dark Tide.

For the most part, the acting is solid enough. Halle Berry, Oliver Martinez, and Ralph Brown provided the bulk of enjoyable performances. Berry wasn’t bad as the leading lady here, but she wasn’t the true star of this film. That honor goes to Ralph Brown. Brady was the rich, narcissistic, asshole, who loved to throw his weight around, and Brown’s performance was just excellent. Again, Berry wasn’t bad in the lead role, but she was upstaged by Ralph Brown here. There’s no doubt about it.

Also, I couldn’t buy into Kate’s struggle here. Kate was supposed to be this traumatized woman, who couldn’t let go of the past, and she couldn’t overcome her fear of sharks, but I couldn’t sense any sort of conflict in this character. Berry doesn’t show any strong emotions until the very end of the film. Considering the circumstances surrounding her character, I should’ve been able to feel strong feelings of sympathy towards Kate, but I couldn’t. Berry managed to deliver a solid performance, but at times, I couldn’t escape this “she’s just mailing it in” feeling.

And Kate’s unbelievably stupid decision towards the end did provide a jaw-dropping moment for me, but not for good reasons, though.

Okay, so Kate is terrified of sharks, and she can’t escape the guilt of causing someone else’s death. Well, we’re in the final moments of the film, and Brady has become a real jerk. He can’t smoke a cigarette to calm his nerves (Kate doesn’t allow smoking on her boat, but she doesn’t have a problem, when Jeff lights up a cigarette? Okay then.), and Kate won’t allow him to swim with the sharks. If Brady goes in the water, he MUST stay in a cage. This is Kate’s #1 rule. But Brady wants to be a rebel, and he continues to push Kate’s buttons. After Brady’s taunting and an intense argument with Jeff, Kate decides to take the crew (which includes Brady’s son, Luke) to a different location. The new location is FILLED with sharks, Kate has been pushed over the edge, and she wants to prove herself to Brady and Jeff.

Kate tries to showcase her new found courage, but the boat runs into a series of rough waves. Kate’s boat eventually flips over, and the hungry sharks begin to close in. Kate’s goofy and trusted friend (apparently, he’s in charge of safety on Kate’s boat, and no, I don‘t care to know his name.) loses his life during a shark attack. Brady tries to avoid one of the shark attacks, but he suffers one of the more gruesome deaths here. In the end, Kate, Jeff, and Luke (Luke Tyler) survive, and they’re able to find safe shelter inside a liferaft, as they await a much needed rescue mission.

So let me get this straight. At the beginning of the film, Kate is responsible for the death of a teammate. Then, towards the end of the film, she causes TWO more deaths? Really??? Yeah, I get it. Brady and Jeff pushed her over the edge, and she had to prove herself. But why would you lead an innocent group of people towards shark infested waters? You’re a marine biologist, who specializes in sharks. You know what could happen, and you know the incredible risk involved. Plus, you already survived an incident, that involved a death caused by a shark attack, and you STILL take everyone towards the sharks regardless? Unbelievable.

In the end, the Kate character didn’t learn anything, and she didn’t find any redemption. And how could she overcome her fears of sharks? After all, she did cause the deaths of two more people, and her stupid decision was the main the reason for their demise. The boredom was bad enough, and Dark Tide’s nonsensical screenplay just made everything worse.


Dark Tide is a dull and boring suspense thriller, that features too many long-drawn-out conversations/arguments, and I really didn’t care about any of the characters in this film. I couldn’t get into the story, and the ending really doesn’t make any sense at all. A few brutal and bloody shark attacks/kills towards the end did help this rating a little bit, and they did throw in somemoments of suspense at the end, but I can’t forget about the rest of the film. Dark Tide is just terrible, and this film deserves all of its harsh treatment. It’s a shame, because Dark Tide has a simple enough premise for an enjoyable suspense/thriller, but the screenplay and John Stockwell’s style of directing ruined this film.

Halle Berry is the same woman, who won the Oscar for Best Actress ten years ago, right? For years Berry relied on her sex appeal, but her good looks didn’t win the Oscar for Monster’s Ball. No. It was raw talent, and Berry did give an outstanding effort in Monster’s Ball. But when I take a look at Berry’s body of work, I‘m going to think of someone, who fits the profile of a “one hit wonder.” Her work in the 90’s is VERY forgettable, she has to be remembered as the most uninteresting Bond girl (Die Another Day), and she can’t take any credit for the first two X-Men films. After winning the Oscar for Monster’s Ball, Berry’s career sunk to embarrassing lows. She’s been caught in an awful downward spiral for years. This is an indisputable fact. Perfect Stranger and Catwoman were horrendous (especially Catwoman), and Things We Lost In The Fire was an unbearable piece of melodramatic trash. Also, having a part in New Year’s Eve didn’t help anything. Unlike the overwhelming majority of the critics, I actually enjoyed Gothika. It was an enjoyable horror flick, that featured an incredible and shocking twist, but one film isn’t enough.

Berry isn’t an awful actress. She’s solid enough, and she does look pretty good for a forty-five year old woman, but the vast majority of her career isn’t impressive at all. She’s starred in so many bad films (can’t forget about B.A.P.S), and Catwoman is a potential career killer. Hell, Berry actually showed up to accept her Razzie Award for the Worst Actress in person. Actresses and actors accepting their Razzie Award in person is a very rare occurrence (for obvious reasons), and Berry willingly showing up to accept this award should tell you something about Catwoman. Catwoman was atrocious, and it’s hard to argue against Berry’s win for Worst Actress, but Dark Tide almost out ranks Catwoman for the #1 spot of worst films on Berry’s resume. Yeah, it’s that bad.

Final Rating: 1/10

D.E.B.S (2004)

D.E.B.S is supposed to be a campy film, but this one just didn’t do it for me. The D.E.B.S are supposed to be this fierce and tough fighting force, but I just saw a group of young and goofy women. I know, I know, that’s supposed to be “the joke” but I just couldn‘t get into it.

Megan Good is supposed to be the tough girl of the group, but I had hard time buying her character. Sara Foster is supposed to be the crown jewel of the D.E.B.S(the all female fighting force) but I could never buy into her character. She was supposed to be the best of the best, but she just comes off as this ditzy and clumsy person. Also, she wasn’t a good choice for the lead role in this film, because there were times were here acting was REALLY bad, and she isn‘t the most attractive female lead.

There are a few laughs here and there, but D.E.B.S fails to deliver. Foster’s character begins to fall in love with Lucy Diamond, and throughout the film, she struggles with her decision to do the right thing. Foster was trying to find herself, but her struggle is very uninteresting, and I could tell how this one was going to end. They try to throw some twists at you, but I always knew Foster’s character would follow her heart. 

Jordana Brewster is gorgeous here, and I enjoyed her as the “super villain” Lucy Diamond. In fact, Brewster’s character was the only one who I could get into when I was watching this, because she did have some nice comedy moments. This film does have a nice set of attractive women, but D.E.B.S was a real disappointment for me. If you just want to see a bunch of attractive women(minus Foster, because I thought she was borderline hideous) who wear skimpy schoolgirl outfits act out a bunch of shitty action scenes, then you might enjoy this.

Final Rating: 1/10

247°F (2011)

**This review contains spoilers**

Three years after losing her boyfriend in a tragic car accident, Jenna (Scout Taylor-Compton) agrees to go on a vacation with her best friend Renee (Christina Ulloa). Jenna joins Renee, her boyfriend Michael (Michael Copon), and Michael’s friend Ian (Travis Van Winkle) at a lakeside cabin. Ian’s uncle, Wade (Tyler Mane) owns the cabin, and his custom-built sauna is the main attraction.

After swimming in the cold lake, Ian urges everyone to enjoy the sauna. Although, Michael’s obnoxious drunk behavior upsets Renee, so Michael leaves the sauna. Frustrated and tired of the heat, Renee tries to leave, but something from the outside is blocking the door to the sauna. Jenna is without her anti-depressant medication, Ian tries to reassure his friends, but Renee panics, and things only get worse, when the sauna’s temperature controls malfunction after a careless mistake. Wade is producing a local fireworks show, and Michael is trying to sleep off his hangover. Breaking the window on the Sauna door provides some temporary relief, but the survivors are running out of water and time.

Seeing Scout Taylor-Compton and Tyler Mane on the same screen together again provided a great geek-out moment for me. Scout Taylor-Compton was the new Laurie Strode in Rob Zombie's Halloween films, and Tyler Mane played Michael Myers. Man, seeing Mane without the mask felt so weird.

Anyway, Scout Taylor-Compton delivers the best performance. Compton is convincing, and she really nailed Jenna’s fragile personality. Travis Van Winkle is OKAY at best, and his over the top “I’M GOING CRAZY!” tirade at the end couldn’t elevate his performance. With the exception of a nervous breakdown at the end, Michael Copon’s lifeless performance is painful to watch. Christina Ulloa is decent enough, but her character is very annoying. And Wade is a terrible person (an uncle, who gives homemade alcohol and weed to teens, and he’s related to one of them? Seriously?), but it’s not fair to judge Tyler Mane’s performance or lack there of. Wade only has a handful of brief appearances in this film, and his screen time is limited.

Looking for a jaw-dropping and diabolical twist explaining the blocked door in 247°F? Don’t hold your breath, because this is what happened: during his drunken stumbling outside, Michael unknowingly blocks the sauna door with Wade’s ladder, trapping his friends inside.

Yeah, I know, it sounds very lame, but 247°F is based on real life events. I didn’t listen to the DVD commentary, but I’m guessing the filmmakers took the respectful approach to the reasons behind the blocked door. It’s a deflating revelation, but revealing the truth behind the blocked door didn‘t bother me at all. For me, 247°F reached the dead in the water point of no return at the fifty-two minute mark, and I just didn‘t care anymore.

The suspense and thrills from the plight of a steamy and claustrophobic prison doesn’t last long, because 247°F quickly devolves into a barrage of annoying complaints from the Renee character, and “this is your fault!” shouting matches. And more importantly, 247°F is VERY boring. 247°F loses a lot of steam (no pun intended) after Renee, Jenna, and Ian realize their inescapable and life-threatening dilemma, and Renee’s constant whining is just unbearable.

Final Rating: 1/10