Spring Breakers (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

As spring break approaches, four teenage friends prepare to take a break from the college life with a trip to Florida. Candy (Vanessa Hudgens), Cotty (Rachel Korine), Faith (Selena Gomez), and Brit (Ashley Benson) have plans to wreak havoc in Florida, but things change, when Faith doesn’t have enough money to help cover the expenses. Candy, Brit, and Cotty decide to rob a restaurant, but Faith is a good, churchgoing person, so she doesn’t help with the robbery.

After picking up the cash, Candy, Brit, Cotty, and Faith finally make it to Florida. But after the cops raid a party filled with marijuana, cocaine, and alcohol, the friends are arrested and sent to jail. Two trusted twin associates give their boss the green light, so a local rapper named Alien (James Franco) posts the bail to free the girls. Alien (or “Al”) invites the girls into his world of crime, but Faith can’t adjust to the “gangster” lifestyle. And things become more complicated, when Al engages in a deadly feud with his former mentor turned rival, Archie (Gucci Mane).

Vanessa Hudgens and James Franco deliver the best performances here. Franco was just hilarious as Al, and you could tell he had a lot of fun with the character. Hudgens is the best gleeful and cocky bad girl (“get on yo’ muthafuckin knees!”) in the bunch, and Benson would be a good number two choice. Gomez was the ideal choice for the sweet and innocent teen, who wanted to do the right thing, and she really nailed the Faith character. I was tempted to put Gomez over Franco and Hudgens, but Gomez kind of disappears after Faith makes the decision to go back home. Gucci Mane is……well Gucci Mane. Just listen to his shitty music, and BAM! That’s his “character” in Spring Breakers.

And Jeff Jarrett has a cameo in this film. He plays the overzealous priest at Faith’s church, and it was an incredible mark out moment for me. Then again, I was probably the only person in the entire theater (not an exaggeration), who could identify Jarrett. I was in a theater with a lot of teenagers, so yeah.

If you’re not familiar (truth be told, I didn’t even know, who the guy was until someone else brought me up to speed about a month ago) with Harmony Korine’s work, and are easily offended , then you should stay away from Spring Breakers. I haven’t seen all of his films yet, but I’ve seen enough to know that Korine doesn’t sugar-coat, or hold anything back. You’ll see a lot, and I do mean A LOT of nudity in this film, sporadic sex scenes, drug use (smoking weed, snorting cocaine, etc.), and Korine spares no expense for explicit and vulgar dialogue.

Korine gives you an uncensored look at the chaotic and hardcore world of partying during spring break, and at the same time, Korine blends in his own form of raw social commentary. Candy, Cotty, and Brit represent the pack of today’s teens, who are influenced by the hip-hop culture. They want to be “hard” and rebellious, and break away from their mundane suburban lifestyles. But as the story develops, Faith and Cotty realize their mistakes. Faith and Cotty bit off more than they could chew so to speak, and they hopped on the first bus home, so they could go back to school.

And one question continued to pop in my mind throughout the movie: HOW IN THE FUCK DID THEY MANAGE AN R RATING FOR THIS???? Personally, I’ve seen worse, but Spring Breakers borders on NC-17 territory most of the time, and I’m pretty sure they’ll release the DVD/Blu-Ray as unrated or something along the lines of an “extreme edition.”

Spring Breakers is another of those “hate it or love it” films. I honestly can’t imagine too many people having a middle ground with this film, but I loved Spring Breakers. Plenty of laughs, bloody violence, and Korine’s hypnotic style behind the camera is simply mesmerizing (especially during the big shootout at the end). The rock solid cast pulls everything together, and Spring Breakers features my third favorite James Franco performance (#1 127 Hours, #2 Spider-Man 2).   

Final Rating: 8/10

Jack The Giant Slayer (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

Sent on a simple mission from his uncle, Jack (Nicholas Hoult) is supposed to sell his horse for money to help his uncle’s farm. But when Jack finally reaches his destination, he’s persuaded by a peculiar offer from a strange monk. The monk agrees to exchange the horse for a rare set of magical beans. But Jack must promise to guard the magical beans, and keep them a secret. As Jack holds the bag of beans, the monk rides away on the horse in an attempt to escape the guards of Cloister.

Meanwhile, Princess Isabelle (Eleanor Tomlinson) dreads her pre-arranged marriage to Lord Roderick (Stanley Tucci). The king of Cloister, King Brahmwell (Ian McShane) trusts Lord Roderick, but unbeknownst to the king, Lord Roderick is planning a takeover of the Kingdom.

During one stormy night, Isabelle seeks refuge inside Jack’s house, while his uncle is away. Jack tries to control his nerves in the Princess’ presence, but he’ll have bigger problems to worry about. One bean slips through the cracks in the floor, and after a slight dab of water, the bean explodes into a giant beanstalk. Jack’s house is catapulted into the sky. Jack falls to the ground, but Isabelle is still stuck inside the house, as the beanstalk pushes her through the clouds.

Jack awakes to an angry King Brahmwell in the morning, and with a determination to save Isabelle, Jack joins the team of knights, who are sent to find the King’s daughter. Led by Elmont (Ewan McGregor) and his second in command, Crawe (Eddie Marsan), the search party climbs the beanstalk into a world of merciless giants.

Lord Roderick and his sniveling sidekick, Wicke (Ewen Bremner) decide to tag along, and with the help of a magical crown, Lord Roderick waits for the right moment to fulfill his diabolical conquest. Isabelle is at the mercy of Fallon (voiced by Bill Nighy & John Kassir- Nighy is the bigger head, and Kassir is the smaller head, or to be more clear, Nighy is the smart head, and Kassir is the dumb head), the two-headed leader of the giants. Time is running out, as Jack fights to rescue Isabelle, thwart Lord Roderick’s evil plans, and save the Kingdom Of Cloister from destruction.

Ian McShane delivers a strong, and for my money, the second most entertaining performance here, because the number one spot belongs to Ewan McGregor. McGregor really nails the cocky and charismatic knight persona. Nicholas Hoult is kind of dull in the leading role, though. Yes, I get the point of his character. He’s supposed to be the unlikely hero/common man, who must rise to the occasion, and find his courage. Still, Hoult’s performance just falls flat, and he’s carried by McGregor and CGI giants throughout the movie. Tomlinson is an attractive woman, but she’s horribly dull as Princess Isabelle. And Tucci is enjoyable, as the slimy traitor, who’ll do anything to gain control over Cloister.

Brian Singer delivers awe-inspiring visuals and wonder behind the camera, and an action-packed finale. I took a chance on the 3D version, and Singer was able to find the right balance for the 3D effects. Not too much, and the 3D never reaches the “well, this is pointless, they just did a 3D release for more money” not enough point. Cool 3D effects throughout the movie, and I don’t regret paying the extra cash.

For the most part, I enjoyed Jack The Giant Slayer, but the inconsistent tones for this film annoyed the shit of me. Is this supposed to be for kids? Or, are they trying to cater to a wider audience (kids, teenagers, adults)? Fallon’s throne is made of human bones, and the giants are portrayed as fearless monsters, who love to eat humans. And during the sporadic giant attacks throughout the movie, you’ll see brief glimpses of the CGI giants attacking, and in some cases, distant shots of giants trying to, and eating humans.

But Fallon’s smaller head behaves like a goofy child with mental problems. The giant chef, who tries to cook Elmont alive picks his nose and eats his boogers during the prep. And a sleeping giant, who’s guarding the entrance/exit to the giant’s world farts during his slumber. Jack The Giant Slayer strays into kiddy territory every now and then, and the tonal shifts are really annoying.

A lot of people blame Jack The Giant Slayer’s formulaic and predictable story, but the weak overall cast is the true Achilles heel. McShane, McGregor, and Tucci couldn’t overshadow Hoult’s dullness in the leading role, and yes, it’s problem, because Hoult’s character receives the bulk of the focus and screen time here. Isabelle is suppose to be a sympathetic character, but Tomlinson’s performance is unconvincing. Sorry, but when CGI giants (i.e. Fallon) are more entertaining and convincing than members of your human cast, you’ve got some serious problems.

Jack The Giant Slayer is adventurous and fun, and the final battle is loaded with thrills and good action. Yeah, it’s predictable, but what else can you expect from a film based on fairy tales? Good guys fight, bad guys fight harder, and crush the hopes of the good guys. But as always, the good guys band together in the end, and find a way to triumph over evil. Jack The Giant Slayer isn’t a ground-breaking film, but it’s a fun ride with a few good laughs here and there. 

Final Rating: 5/10

Lovely Molly (2012)

**This review contains spoilers**

After their wedding, Molly (Gretchen Lodge) and Tim (Johnny Lewis) move into the childhood home of Molly’s deceased parents. Molly is a recovering heroin addict, and Tim is a busy truck driver, so Molly is forced to spend a lot of time alone in the house. One night, Molly and Tim suspect the break-in of an unknown intruder, but the responding police officer is unable to find any signs of forced entry.

Molly slowly succumbs to boredom and anxiety during Tim’s lengthy stints on the road. And on the night of her birthday, Molly smokes a joint from her sister Hannah (Alexandra Holden). One taste of marijuana triggers Molly’s cravings for heroin, and soon enough, Molly dips into her secret stash of heroin concealed inside a teddy bear. During Tim’s absence, Molly experiences a series of bizarre paranormal intrusions, but nobody believes Molly’s far-fetched stories.

Molly recalls painful memories from her childhood, and she slowly sinks into a deeper hole, while developing an unusual obsession for the neighbors next door. Tim suggests committing Molly to the local mental hospital again, but Hannah begs for more time. To Tim, Molly is just a delusional heroin addict, but Molly is willing to do anything to convince Tim, Hannah, and anyone else, who doubts her beliefs of a ghostly presence.    

Gretchen Lodge delivers the best performance here. At first, Molly is a boring character, but Lodge shows off her true talents, as Molly descends into madness. Molly devolves into a broken woman, and an angry drug addict. Lodge really nailed the devious side of Molly’s personality, and Lodge continues to excel throughout this film, as Molly transforms into a darker character. The rest of the cast is solid, but Hannah is a terrible person (you give your sister, who’s a recovering heroin addict marijuana? Seriously???)   

Remember Eduardo Sanchez? He’s one of the guys, who co-directed The Blair Witch Project. To be honest, I haven’t followed his post-Blair Witch career, because I hated The Blair Witch Project. Sanchez directed a few straight-to-video horror flicks. Supposedly, he’s returning for The Blair Witch Project 3, and he’s one of the directors for S-V/H/S (the sequel to V/H/S). Honestly, after browsing his resume, nothing jumped out at me, and I really don’t have the urge to watch any of his films.

Anyway, Lovely Molly IS Eduardo Sanchez’s film. He’s the director, Sanchez came up with the story, he co-wrote the screenplay, and he edited this film. I’ll start with the directing. Sanchez delivers one good jump scare at the beginning, but that’s not enough. Lovely Molly is horribly boring most of the time, and Sanchez’s 50/50 style of real-time camerawork, and POV found-footage drove me nuts. As Molly investigates the strange noises at night, she uses a handheld video camera to record everything. Yeah, Molly’s POV is just the typical shaky cam found-footage bullshit style. Molly’s “HE’S HERE! HE’S HERE!” routine wasn’t spooky, and I couldn’t feel the tension or suspense. Sorry, but the mundane “things that go bump in the night” approach and tired shaky came effects aren’t enough, if you’re trying to stir up some real jump scares.

The story really, really, really pissed me off. So Molly is experiencing some supernatural disturbances at home. BUT at the same time, she’s a hardcore heroin addict, so there’s a good chance Molly is just hallucinating, and/or losing her mind. Well, as the story develops, it’s clear Molly is telling the truth. Okay, now what? Should we focus on the paranormal intrusions?  Nah, let’s sidetrack and confuse the audience with a bunch of sub-plots. Molly’s having intense sexual cravings, but wait, we can’t forget about her problems with heroin. Then, let’s throw in dueling infidelity storylines: one involving Tim and the woman next door, and Molly seducing a priest. And we can’t forget about Molly’s traumatic childhood, and Hannah’s decision to murder someone in the family as a child. Oh, and for some reason, Molly needs to take a dead dear from the woods, keep it in the basement, and repeatedly stab the carcass on a daily basis to let out aggression? Okay then. 

Usually, I’m not one to complain about nudity, and Gretchen Lodge is an attractive woman, but most of the nudity and sexual situations were so unnecessary. For starters, Sanchez constantly shows this one shot of Molly sitting in a room completely nude. With the exception of one time, Sanchez doesn’t show anything, but still, why is Molly naked in this one room all the time? There’s an unusual and awkward scene, where Molly is raped by an unknown entity at work. Molly’s boss shows her the footage from the security cameras. Molly is devastated at first, but then she laughs, and throws a tirade against her boss (Molly’s “I need help… NO. LEAVE ME ALONE. I HATE YOU!” tirades are a reoccurring trend throughout this film)?

Molly wants revenge for Tim‘s infidelity, and she sees an easy target in the priest. One night, Molly comes out to the front porch, while it’s raining, and of course she’s naked. The priest walks up to her with this mesmerized look on his face, and….well, you can probably guess what happens next. Towards the very end, Molly is naked, and she walks up to this unknown (and presumably evil) figure at night for a hug? Again, is there a reason why she’s naked in the freezing cold at night?

Others might’ve enjoyed the slow burn technique, but Sanchez’s steady and methodical pacing just irritated me. If you’re going the route of a slow build, while carefully revealing crucial plot points along the way, you need to give the audience a satisfying payoff at the end, or in this case, payoffs. I HONESTLY don’t understand the reasons behind Molly murdering the priest, and the cliffhanger with Hannah brought a facepalm out of me. Sorry, but if I’m investing one hour and thirty-nine minutes into this film, I need to see an ending with a real bang, or a genuine shock. Random murders (I still can’t get over the priest. His death made no sense at all.), and Molly walking out into the night naked doesn’t cut it for me, not at all. 

I wanted to like Lovely Molly, but it’s a very boring film. Was Sanchez trying to cover-up a muddled and shitty story with an overload of nudity and sex (more nudity than sex)? The story is an undecipherable mess, and I guess Sanchez tried to compensate with a plethora of nude shots featuring Lodge. It’s a real shame, because the cast gives a strong effort here (especially Gretchen Lodge). Lovely Molly had a lot of potential, but the slow grind to the end is torturous, and every revelation is a MAJOR disappointment.   

Final Rating: 2/10

The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

Harassed and bullied as a child, Burt uses Rance Holloway’s (Alan Arkin) magic kit to escape reality. Burt idolizes Rance for being the most famous magician of his time, and Burt forms a team with his best friend, Anton.

As adults, Burt Wonderstone (Steve Carell) and Anton Marvelton (Steve Buscemi) are the hottest magic act in Las Vegas. Performing on a weekly basis at the luxurious Bally’s Hotel, Burt and Anton continue to fill seats in their exclusive theater until a new act threatens their business. Steve Gray (Jim Carrey) stars in and hosts a reality magic TV show named Brain Rapist. Steve performs exciting and extreme acts of magic, but on the flip-side, Burt and Anton’s routine act is becoming stale.

Doug Munny (James Gandolfini) is the owner of the Bally’s Hotel, and Doug is looking for a modern act to take over Burt and Anton’s spot for his new hotel. Doug wants Steve Gray, and Burt’s stubbornness could ruin the team’s chances of landing a new contract. The new assistant, Jane (Olivia Wilde) tries to join Burt and Anton’s team, as Steve Gray continues to impress Doug, slowly securing his spot for the one and only contract worth millions.

I tried and I TRIED, but I could not laugh at Jim Carrey’s Steve Gray. It was a case of trying too hard, and overkill for me. It’s not enough for Steve Gray to have a show named Brain Rapist, drill holes in his head, and sleep on hot coals. On top of that, he paints his fingernails, has a series of wild tattoos, and performs a stunt, where he forces himself to hold all of his urine for days. I’m a Jim Carrey fan, but Steve Gray couldn’t pull any laughs out of me.

It’s refreshing to see Steve Carell take a different route character wise. As a kid, yeah, Carell’s character is the wimpy geek, but as an adult, he’s an egotistical asshole. Carell was enjoyable as the asshole, but the inevitable “jerk realizes all of his mistakes, and decides to turn his life around” character transformation is so disappointing (more on that later). Carell was an entertaining egomaniac, but the predictable story kills this character.

James Gandolfini was spot on as Doug Munny. Then again, Gandolfini has a lot of experience, when it comes to playing a pushy and obsessive boss. Steve Buscemi has a few moments as the nerdy sidekick, Olivia Wilde never rises above the status of eye candy, and Alan Arkin was the perfect fit for the old and grouchy veteran. 

I laughed every now and then, but The Incredible Burt Wonderstone could’ve been, and more importantly, SHOULD’VE been better. The cast is top notch, and more often than not, Steve Carell is reliable as a “comedy guy” in the lead role. BUT I don’t blame the cast. The story is formulaic and predictable, and you’ll see everything coming from a mile away. The step-by-step process for Burt’s eventual realizations for all of his mistakes, and a need to do the right thing is torturous.

Burt and Anton reaching down into the bottom of their bag to pull out that one grand trick towards the very end was supposed to be the feel-good moment, but the “disappearing act” didn’t do anything for me. Jane and Burt as a couple brought a facepalm out of me, because The Incredible Burt Wonderstone’s obvious foreshadowing gave away the “the tool turns into a nice guy, and captures the heart of his dream girl” storyline.

Sorry, but I’m going to have high expectations for a comedy that features Steve Carell, Steve Buscemi, Alan Arkin, and James Gandolfini. The breaking the fourth wall technique for showing the secrets behind the magic tricks added a cool behind the scenes layer to this film, but still, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone is an underwhelming comedy. Dry jokes, inconsistent, goofy humor, monotonous predictability, and truth be told, this movie is kind of boring at times. I had high hopes for The Incredible Burt Wonderstone, but instead, I have an early pick for my list of major disappointments in 2013. 

Final Rating: 3/10

Identity Thief (2013)

Sandy Patterson (Jason Bateman) travels to Winter Park, Florida to confront and apprehend the woman, who stole his identity. Diana (Melissa McCarthy) is a professional con-artist, and she won’t go down without a fight. Eventually, Sandy is a able to convince Diana to return to his job in Colorado, and give a statement to his boss, that will undoubtedly clear Sandy’s name.

But along the away, Sandy and Diana must outrun two gangsters, who are ordered to kill Diana on sight. Marisol (Genesis Rodriguez) and Julian (Tip Harris or T.I.) are determined to carry out the orders from their boss Paolo, and kill Sandy, if he gets in the way. And a vindictive bounty hunter named Skiptracer (Robert Patrick) is tracking Diana. So Diana and Sandy must work together for survival, and Sandy has to keep his plan to expose Diana to the cops a secret.

Jason Bateman and Melissa McCarthy share some good chemistry together, as polar opposites. As usual, Bateman is the uptight nerd, who plays by the rules, and McCarthy is the obnoxious and loud-mouthed thief, who will do anything, and stoop to every low level imaginable to steal more money from the next victim. Robert Patrick is okay as the typical redneck bounty hunter, and T.I. brought a few chuckles out of me, as the goofball hitman. Genesis Rodriguez was supposed to be a delightful psycho, but as usual, Rodriguez’s good looks triumphed over her acting skills, or lack there of.

Bateman and McCarthy are good for a handful of funny moments, but Identity Thief really didn’t do anything for me overall. The laughs are inconsistent, and the mushy moments were damn near unbearable for me. Diana is picked on for being an outcast throughout this film, so of course you’ll see a bunch of tear jerking “be proud of, who you are” scenes. Yeah, I understand the point behind the self-acceptance messages, but Identity Thief takes everything too far.

Identity Thief could’ve been a better comedy film, but it’s barely average. Melissa McCarthy has found a niche, as the rambunctious fat woman. Her routine works well, when she’s paired with a nerdy and uptight character (Kristen Wiig in Bridesmaids, Bateman in Identity Thief, and from looking at the trailers, Sandra Bullock in The Heat), and McCarthy’s shtick is hot now, there’s no denying it.

Final Rating: 5/10

Girls Aganist Boys (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

Shae (Danielle Panabaker) is a college student and a part-time bartender, who’s having some bad luck with men. After making the decision to return to his wife and a young daughter, Shae’s boyfriend unceremoniously dumps her. And a one night stand takes a horrible turn for the worst, when Shae is raped by Simon (Michael Stahl-David). Shae fights off another attempted rape, and after an unsuccessful trip to the police station, Shae decides to team up with her new friend/co-worker.

LuLu or “Lu” (Nicole LaLiberte) has a deep hatred for men, and Lu influences Shae to go on a killing spree of revenge. Shae develops a taste for blood, but Shae refuses to kill one of her targets, so Lu pulls the trigger instead. Lu is still determined to punish men, but Shae is looking for a way out of her new life. Will Lu allow Shae to walk away?

Danielle Panabaker is still one of my favorite young actresses, but she’s upstaged by Nicole LaLiberte here. LaLiberte’s devilish and joyful portrayal of LuLu is just fantastic, and she is the true star of this film. Panabaker couldn’t make the transition to the dark side during LuLu’s diabolical reign of terror. Shae is suppose to change, when she agrees to murder other men, but once the killing spree started, I just saw the same person at the beginning of the movie. Shae embraces LuLu as a friend, and she’s proud of her new lifestyle. But Panabaker needed to show some more nastiness during the transformation, and I just didn’t see it. Panabaker isn’t awful here. In fact, she’s pretty solid. Still, Panabaker couldn’t take the Shae character to the next level.

Director Austin Chick shows a good amount of gore and blood. The one torture scene is a prime example of Chick‘s impending barrage of violence. LuLu and Shae tie-up Simon in his work garage. Shae smacks Simon across the face with a wrench, Shae uses a power tool to knock out all of Simon’s front teeth, LuLu cuts off his feet with a saw, and Shae ends it all with a gunshot to the head. You’ll see lots of blood, and brutal violence, but Chick takes a tasteful approach to the one rape scene here.

Girls Against Boys could’ve been something special, but it’s just another ordinary revenge flick, that tries to follow in the footsteps of I Spit On your Grave (the original and the remake). Hell, the movie poster is clearly paying homage to the original. I’ve always labeled the original I Spit On your Grave as a  horribly overrated film, and I still believe the 2010 remake is the better movie. I will never understand the horror community’s obsession for the original (and in some cases the remake), and the I Spit On Your Grave original inspired a handful of terrible straight-to-video, low-budget, and independent rape revenge films.

Anyway, as I said before, Girls Against Boys could’ve been something to remember. LuLu was the PERFECT character, and LaLiberte was the right woman for the job. But Girls Against Boys slowly goes through the motions, and you can see everything coming from a mile away.

And the ending is very disappointing. LuLu senses Shae’s hesitation to continue the extreme Thelma and Louise lifestyle, and the relationship becomes more complicated, when Shae forms a friendship with a guy from one of her classes. Shae neglects LuLu, so LuLu follows Shae to a Halloween party. Shae’s new friend is the DJ at the Halloween party, and while Shae’s in the bathroom, LuLu uses a sword to murder Shae’s new friend. Shae returns home devastated, but LuLu explains the reasons behind the murder: she did it for Shae’s protection, and she wanted to remind Shae you can’t trust any man under any circumstances. Well, Shae didn’t buy into this explanation, so she uses the bloody sword to murder LuLu.

I GUESS I can understand the reasons behind Shae murdering LuLu. LuLu was out of control, and someone had to stop her. Shae was LuLu’s only true friend in the world, so I guess she wanted to be the one, who finished her off. Yeah, I get that. Still, it’s a very anticlimactic and underwhelming finale. It’s also kind of stupid. Shae finds the sword on table, when she walks through the door of her apartment. LuLu comes out of the shower. And as LuLu tries to explain her side of the story, Shae picks up the sword, turns around, and she slices a good cut across LuLu’s abdomen.

Eh, Shae is OBVIOUSLY upset over the murder of her potential boyfriend. LuLu’s actions infuriated her, so WHY would LuLu leave the freakin’ sword on the table??? And to top it off, LuLu’s taking a shower, while the sword is sitting out in the open, giving Shae PLENTY of time to prepare and think of a plan. Did LuLu really expect to sit down with Shae and just talk about it? Ugh, the ending annoyed me so much, because LuLu is this crafty and cold-blooded killer throughout the movie, but a careless and stupid (and random) choice is her undoing at the end? Unbelievable.

It’s a predictable movie with a dumb ending, but I didn’t hate Girls Against Boys. Girls Against Boys is a bloody and violent revenge film with a dark sense of humor (mainly from the LuLu character). Unfortunately, Girls Against Boys is average at best, but I’ll give this one an extra bump, because Nicole LaLiberte is simply amazing. 

Final Rating: 6/10

Side Effects (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

Emily Taylor (Rooney Mara) is awaiting her husband’s return from jail. After receiving a four year sentence for insider trading, Martin Taylor (Channing Tatum) returns to his wife with the hopes of starting a new life, and slowly piecing everything back together. But Emily has trouble adjusting to Martin’s presence in her life, and Emily quickly sinks into a deep depression. Emily tries to commit suicide by driving her car into a wall, but she survives the crash.

As Emily’s assigned psychiatrist,  Dr. Jonathan Banks (Jude Law) contemplates sending Emily to a mental hospital, but Emily pushes for a series of one on one sessions with Dr. Banks instead, and he agrees. With the help of various medications, Emily slowly recovers from her depression, and the relationship with Martin improves. Emily enjoys her newfound happiness, and Martin is looking for a way to “get back in the game.”

But Emily’s erratic behavior worries Dr. Banks and Martin. As she prepares for dinner one night, Emily murders Martin with a butcher knife during a sleepwalking phase (a side effect from Emily’s most recent prescription drug). Emily’s former psychiatrist, Dr. Victoria Siebert (Catherine Zeta-Jones) lends a helping hand by revealing crucial information about her former patient that could save Emily from a lifelong imprisonment.

As Emily goes through her trial, Dr. Banks’ reputation is destroyed, and answering the three most important questions surrounding Emily’s fate could clear his name, or ruin his life forever: Is Emily just a cold-blooded killer? Is Emily the victim of a bad reaction to the medication? Or did Emily knowingly murder her husband for her own selfish reasons? 

At first, Emily is a sympathetic character. Mara really nailed the broken and helpless victim persona during Emily's breakdown, but as the story develops, Mara shows us a more diabolical and devious personality. Mara’s transformation is smooth, and her ability to bounce back and forth between Evil Emily and Innocent Emily towards the end is remarkable. 

Catherine Zeta-Jones is solid as Dr. Siberet, but she’s more entertaining as the treacherous bitch, who’ll do anything to destroy Dr. Banks. Jude Law is a good leading man, and for the second time, Law forms a cohesive team with director Steven Soderbergh. If Soderbergh sticks around longer (more on that later), Soderbergh/Law could reach the levels of Sam Jackson and Quentin Tarantino, or John Goodman and The Coen Brothers for successful director/actor teams. They won’t reach the levels of Scorsese/De Niro, but both men could have a bright future together. As far as Channing Tatum goes, I don’t think it’s fair to grade his performance here. His screen time is limited, Tatum doesn’t make it to the end, and his character doesn’t have any spoken dialogue in flashbacks.

I’m indifferent to director Steven Soderbergh’s work. I’ll admit, I haven’t seen all of his films (I will never watch Magic Mike), but I really enjoyed Haywire and Contagion. Soderbergh returns to the big screen with precision, and a sleek style for Side Effects. Soderbergh has a formula behind the camera, and he sticks to it. You’ll always notice the crisp cinematography, deliberate pacing, and Soderbergh’s work has a unique and stylish look. It’s weird, because Soderbergh has voiced his desires to retire or “take a break” recently. Contagion, Magic Mike, and Side Effects received positive feedback for the most part, and you could say Soderbergh is peaking at the right time, so why walk away? Unless I forgot some crucial details (family problems, stress, etc.) about Soderbergh’s statements regarding the decision to walk away for a while, I’m honestly baffled by this decision. Filmmaking isn’t like pro sports, or some other profession that requires a physical  effort. You don’t have to worry about the shelf life problem in the world of movies, and I hope Soderbergh will return to directing soon enough.

Side Effects is a real mind-fuck. Side Effects starts out as a cautionary tale about the side effects of anti-depressant medications, and a conspiracy about psychiatrists, who use their patients as guinea pigs for testing new medications. Eventually, the story evolves into an intricate murder mystery, as Dr. Banks struggles to clear his name. Side Effects is a crafty and smart thriller with shocking and thought-provoking twists, and a well-executed suspenseful finale. I know it’s early, but I loved every second of Side Effects, and I was glued to the screen during the last twenty minutes.

Final Rating: 10/10

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

**This review contains spoilers**

Following the conclusion of Paranormal Activity 2, Hunter’s mother, Kristi is dead after an attack from her sister, Katie (Katie Featherston). After an adoption and Katie’s disappearance, Hunter’s name is changed to Wyatt (Aiden Lovekamp). The Nelson’s embrace Wyatt, and his big sister, Alex Nelson (Kathyrn Newton) is determined to protect Wyatt from any danger. The Nelson’s quiet suburban lifestyle takes a turn for the worst, when Katie’s son, Robbie (Brady Allen) enters the picture. Mrs. Nelson decides to invite Robbie to live with the family during his mother’s absence.

But Robbie’s strange mannerisms and unnatural infatuation with an invisible friend (it’s Toby, the invisible demon from the previous films) concerns Alex.During a series of late night web cam sessions, Alex and her boyfriend, Ben (Matt Shively) slowly unravel a paranormal conspiracy surrounding Robbie. Alex tries to explain the bizarre situation to her parents, but they refuse to listen, but Alex will have to come up with a solution soon. When Katie returns, she takes Robbie, but Katie and Toby are targeting Wyatt as their next victim, and Katie won’t stop until her nephew rejoins the family.

Well, as usual the acting is mediocre. Brady Allen has a few moments as the creepy and quiet demon child, but he couldn’t save this cast. Alex and Ben are the most annoying characters in the entire Paranormal Activity franchise, easily. Newton is the typical airheaded teenage blonde, and Shively is the douchebag boyfriend, who tries way too hard to be cool.

 And Paranormal Activity sticks to the same formula AGAIN: an opening that’ll hook you into the story, 45-50 minutes of boring web cam/security camera footage bullshit, the last ten or fifteen minutes are full of suspense, and of course, they end the movie with a “demon attack” cliffhanger. It’s the same old shit all over again, and it was a huge letdown for me, because you know what they’re going for, once you catch on to the routine.

Looking for a SHOCKING return in PA 4? Don’t hold your breath, because instead of introducing another new character with some real significance, they decide to bring back Katie instead. Seriously? Out of all the people to bring back, you pick fucking Katie??? We already know enough major details about Katie, and let’s be honest, she’s not the most interesting or engaging character in the franchise.

Paranormal Activity continues to milk a very thin and weak premise. The story is at a standstill after the FOURTH film. Sorry, but this is just unacceptable. I didn’t love the movie, but Part 3 worked as a prequel, because we learned about Katie and Kristi’s grandmother, and their lives as children. This was a BIG step, because apparently, Katie and Kristi’s grandmother is the mastermind behind the whole witch cult/demonic conspiracy. Part 4 is a prequel to Part 2, but we already know 90% of the details in this film, because previous films explained and revealed the “secrets.” Again, we’re in the fourth film for the PA franchise, and the writers are STILL giving us the runaround bullshit.

Also, the ending is suspenseful, BUT am I the only one, who noticed the similarities between this ending and the ending in PA 3? At the end of PA 3, Toby, the grandmother, and her witch followers attacked and killed the people, who posed a threat to the master plan. Well, at the end of PA 4, Toby attacks Alex’s father, Toby kills her mother, and as she tries to rescue Wyatt, Alex is cornered by a group of possessed women, and a demonized Katie eventually attacks her to end the movie. Just watch both endings from both films, and you’ll see what I’m talking about, because it’s almost impossible to ignore the connections.  

Yeah, as usual, I’ll give this Paranormal film credit for the suspenseful finale, but that doesn’t make up for the 40+ minutes of boredom before the ending. Paranormal Activity 4 is easily the weakest film in this franchise, and the writing is beyond lazy here. For the most part, it’s a very boring and tedious film to sit through, and Katie’s return was very underwhelming and disappointing. Plus, maybe it did something for other PA fans, but I couldn’t stand the glow in the dark X Box Kinect garbage. The directors developed a raging hard-on for the glow in the dark X Box Kinect scenes, and the wow-factor fades away after the first time, because they really ran this gimmick into the ground. This is my first (and probably won’t be the last) PA viewing experience from home, and I’m glad I didn’t waste the time or money to watch this piece of shit in a theater.

Final Rating: 1/10

The ABCs Of Death (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

Twenty-six directors and twenty-six chapters of carnage, The ABCs Of Death will take you on a gory and bloody ride through the alphabet by showing you an assortment of bizarre scenarios for death with each letter. From possessed toilets to deadly farts, The ABCs Of Death spares no expense for brutality, violence, and mayhem.

Oh boy. This was something I’ll never forget, for good and bad reasons. First and foremost, each director/writer for The ABCs Of Death received 100% creative control for their individual letters. Giving creative freedom to the directors and writers was a good thing and a bad thing. On one hand, The ABCs Of Death featured some awesome and shocking shorts (I’ll list my picks for best and worst later on). But on the other hand, some of the shorts were just horrendous, and unbearable most of the time.

It’s a double-edged sword, because the creative freedom really enhanced some of the eccentric uniqueness here. BUT on the flip-side, other directors and writers were trying WAY too hard to be disgusting, shocking, and artistic. Imagine a five year old kid eating a big bag of candy, give him or her a box of crayons or some finger-paint, and then ask them to draw a masterpiece. The end result will be disastrous, and that’s what happens with the bad side of The ABCs Of Death. 

And as with most horror anthologies, inconsistency is a MAJOR problem here. Recently, I watched V/H/S, another horror anthology film. The inconsistency didn’t bother me too much, because if I’m not mistaken, V/H/S only had five or six shorts. But The ABCs Of Death throws twenty-six shorts at you. That’s a lot to sit through, and you won’t have too much wiggle room for bad shorts. A is for Apocalypse was a great opener, B is for Bigfoot was a nice follow-up, and C is for Cycle was really eerie, but things start to go downhill at D is for Dogfight.

The ABCs of Death’s seesaw problem is really annoying. Yeah, when The ABCs Of Death kicked into high gear every now and then, I was glued to the screen, because I couldn’t wait for the next letter. But when everything plummets into a downward spiral again, you’re just stuck there waiting for something good to happen. And with The ABCs Of Death, the long waits feels torturous, because chances are you’re sitting in front of an abomination like F is for Farting.

And here are my picks for some of the best and worst shorts in The ABCs Of Death!

The Best

A is for Apocalypse

A woman is caring for her sick husband, but when he doesn’t kick the bucket on her schedule, the wife decides to speed things up with a butcher knife.

My Thoughts: A is bloody, gory, and shocking. This short sets the tone for The ABCs Of Death, and you know you’re about see a film with some sick and twisted stuff after watching A.

Plus, I enjoyed the twist at the end. At first, you’re wondering why this woman is so determined to murder her husband. After throwing a bowl of scorching soup in his face, she continues to attack him with the butcher knife, and after successfully stabbing him in the throat, the husband demands some answers for his wife’s motivations. The woman reveals a year long plot of poisoning her husband into a slow and painless death. The wife believed in the predictions of an apocalypse, so she didn’t want her husband to suffer an agonizing death. But time ran out, so she decided to try and finish him off before the world came to an end. As the world crumbles, the woman lays next to her husband, and they die together.     

S is for Speed

So two women, who live together are hardcore heroin addicts. One of them has a dream about being chased by the Devil or Grim Reaper (I couldn‘t tell the difference), because he’s coming to take someone with him, and he’s determined to leave with at least one person. The woman having the dream is holding her friend hostage. The kidnapped friend is supposed to be collateral for the time being, because the other woman “isn’t ready yet,” but Death wants the woman, who’s trying to fight the inevitable.

My thoughts: Incredible. This short starts out with a real bang, and there’s a nice little high speed chase at the end. The ending is gut-wrenching, because once death touches the woman he came for, she wakes up into the real world. She ODs from too much junk, and her friend steals the last bag of heroin from her corpse. S is easily my favorite short in this film. Action, emotion, suspense, and the dirty apartment in the real world was an ideal setting for the final minutes of this one.

T is for Toilet

A young kid is afraid to use the toilet for the first time. His parents toss his potty-training toilet in the trash, but the kid has a terrifying nightmare about the family toilet coming to life as a monster, and devouring the whole family………

My Thoughts: The claymation gives this short a cartoonish feeling, and that’s a good thing. The zany stuff in this short is a breath of fresh air, because it gives you a break from the more serious stuff with blood and guts. Yeah, the ending is REALLY messed up, but as I said before, the claymation provides a  lighthearted atmosphere, so it’s not so bad.

M is for Miscarriage

A woman rushes downstairs to grab a plunger, and when she returns to the toilet…..

My Thoughts: Well, Ti West directed this short, so of course I liked it. M is probably the shortest feature in this film, but the final image packs a powerful punch. M’s subtlety during the final shot brought a stunned reaction out of me, and I enjoyed Ti West’s “less is more” strategy.

Honorable mentions: O is for Orgasm, R is Removed, N is for Nuptials  

The Worst

F is for Farting

So the outbreak of a deadly gas is destroying Japan. A young woman, who for some asinine reason is afraid to fart in public, takes refuge with her teacher. The young woman has a crush on her teacher, and her final wish is to die by smelling her fart.

My Thoughts: This….was so bad. It’s so over the top and corny, and most importantly, F wasn’t funny. The CGI for the farts is laughably horrendous, and the ending was beyond ridiculous: somehow, the fart from the teacher transports the student into her rectum.

H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion

A soldier (who’s actually a full grown British bulldog) visit’s a strip joint during World War II. The stripper is a full grown fox, but as she goes through her routine, the fox eventually reveals herself as a Nazi spy.

My Thoughts: For some odd reason, The ABCs Of Death felt the need to run the evil Nazi storylines into the ground. And what’s more amazing than that, is H is not the worst Nazi themed short. The fox’s cheesy diabolical laugh, the tacky special effects, and the stupid conclusion. Everything was a real chore to sit through, and using mascot-like costumes for the main characters was the nail in the coffin for me. This short is just horrible, and I can’t think of any redeeming qualities for H.

W is for WTF!

So the director/writer is trying to come up with something good for the letter W. He’s struggling to find the right concept, but things take a bizarre turn for the worst, when monsters and psychotic zombie clowns take over the world.

My Thoughts: The “breaking the fourth wall” approach is something different of course (it’s not special, because Q is for Quack did the same thing). But WTF! features the same list of reoccurring problems throughout The ABCs Of Death: bad special effects, over the top and unfunny ridiculousness, and a disappointing conclusion.

D is for Dogfight

Desperate and down on his luck, a man decides to fight a dog for money.

My Thoughts: Ugh, this short had so much potential. There’s a nice twist at the end, because as the dog prepares to rip out the man’s throat, the man shouts the name “Buddy,” and the dog freezes. Apparently, the fighter is the owner of the lost dog, and the current owner of the dog stole him away. The real owner gives a command to Buddy, and Buddy mauls the thief to death. D is for Dogfight could’ve been amazing, but the excessive and annoying use of slow motion killed this short. 

Honorable mentions: Z is for Zetsumetsu, G is for Gravity, and K is for Klutz. 

Showing the word behind the letter after each short was a nice touch. Using the “revealing after-the-fact” technique helped maintain the mystery and element of surprise behind each letter, so you don’t go into each short knowing what’s going to happen.

Still, Twenty-six shorts is just too much. It’s kind of hard to experience feelings of shock and disgust once you get past R, because the previous letters do more than enough to bring out these feelings. For example, X is for XXL is about an overweight woman, who’s tormented by a cruel society. She decides to go home, gorge out on food, and vomit afterwards. Then, she uses various cutting tools to remove the fat from her body, so she can fit into a sexy bikini. That sounds nasty, right? Well, after sitting through other bloody murders, torture shorts, and violent mayhem, I couldn’t experience the intended gross-out reaction for a woman mutilating herself. As the stories progressed, I couldn’t overcome the feeling of being burnt-out, and Z was an awful finale.

The bad outweighs the good in The ABCs of Death. Don’t get me wrong, this film features some great shorts, borderline brilliant in some cases. It’s a unique concept, and combining the alphabet with the storytelling style of a horror anthology film should’ve been a match made in heaven. But the bad shorts are really, REALLY bad, and for me, The ABCs Of Death’s garbage destroyed any chances for a good film.

Also, if you’re the squeamish type, you should avoid The ABCs Of Death. This film features pedophilia, disgusting and gory violence, brutality, tons of blood, and you’ll see plenty of “hard to watch” moments here. The ABCs Of Death is an extreme, repulsive, and vulgar horror movie, and it’s not for the weak at heart.


Final Rating: 3/10

The Last Exorcism Part II (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

Following the events of The Last Exorcism Part I, Nell (Ashley Bell) is still trying to escape the wrath of the evil demon known as Abalam. Nell’s father and brother are still missing, so Nell is forced to live in a foster home for troubled teenage girls.

Nell tries to adjust to a new life, and a friend named Chris (Spencer Treat Clark) wants Nell as a girlfriend, but Nell is still hesitant to trust another man. Nell’s daily routine of working as a cleaning lady for a motel is disrupted, when signs of Abalam’s return surface. Abalam will do anything to reclaim his victim, and an exorcism is Nell’s only hope to survive and finally defeat Abalam.

You know something, I actually enjoyed The Last Exorcism Part I. It was a nice surprise, but Part II is pure trash. With the exception of flashback footage from the first film, Part II completely drops the found-footage style of filmmaking. I’m not a big fan of found-footage flicks, but I didn’t feel any realism in this film, and the shaky cam tricks could’ve added a much needed spark of life to the sequel.

Part II is very, VERY boring. I almost fell asleep at least three times, and staying awake during this film was a real test. The back-breaking and contorted seizure bullshit loses its shock factor after the first twenty-five minutes, and showing Abalam torturing Nell in the flashbacks didn’t help anything. Director Ed Gass-Donnelly randomly (and constantly) inserts flashback footage of Nell’s exorcism and torture scenes from Part I throughout the film. Donnelly wanted to stir up some jump scares with this technique, but the “HOLY SHIT DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED TO NELL???” flashbacks didn’t do anything for me.

The plot holes are mind-boggling. First, one of the girls in the house has a violent seizure. They call 911, and after that, we never get an update for the girl‘s status. Was Abalam behind the seizure? They never explained anything. Nell’s father pops up out of nowhere halfway through the movie, and he tries to murder Nell, so he can get rid of Abalam once and for all. Eh, where did Nell’s dad come from? How did he find her? Nell’s dad was tied up during that creepy satanic ritual at the end of Part I, so how did he escape? And one of the girls in the house is obviously a servant for Abalam (it‘s the blonde chick in the trailer with the big black, creepy eyes). She murders Nell’s father, and promises Abalam will return to reclaim his number one target…..and her character just fades away after that.

So there’s only one way to stop Abalam: an exorcism! Well, no shit. How else are you suppose to stop the demon? Part II slowly treads through its dull story, and the grand conclusion is a fucking exorcism? Seriously? “We have to stop Abalam! But how?” This was the thought process from every protagonist throughout the movie. It felt like they were trying to build towards something different, but the writers just settled for another exorcism finale. And to top it off, the big exorcism at the end is really lame. They tried an exorcism in Part I, and it DID NOT work, so why would you try it again?

The story barley progresses. We all know Nell is possessed, we all know Abalam is still stalking her (and apparently a part of him is still inside Nell), and anyone, who knows enough about horror movies knows you can’t just outrun a demon. The story hits the standstill wall, and Part II is a prime example of a money-grabbing “let’s just get them into the theater, and then we’ll go from there” boring filler film.

Nell’s sexual antics are kind of awkward. Apparently, Abalam wants Nell as a lover, and Ashley Bell has a handful of weird scenes, where a possessed Nell shows “excitement” for the impending return of Abalam. One scene includes Nell dropping her cleaning duties, so she can listen to another couple having sex in the opposite room. And in another scene, Nell licks one of the girls at the foster home on the side of her face, while she’s sleeping. Yeah.

“It can’t get any worse. It just can’t.” I kept trying to convince myself, but Part II continued to push the limits for a shitty horror movie. Nell is trying to figure out a solution for Abalam’s return, so she asks some voodoo lady for advice. She explains how Abalam is in love with Nell? Oy vey, the demon is in “love” with Nell? Yikes, that just kills the evil mystique for Abalam, but Abalam’s intentions were announced towards the end, and I already gave up on any chances for a decent film.

The Last Exorcism Part II is a tedious and boring chore to sit through, and Part II features one too many unintentionally funny moments. Plus, the CGI is horrendous, and the sporadic bursts of flames at the end sink to low levels of tackiness. Ashley bell deserves a lot of credit, because she gave it her all in the leading role, but Bell couldn’t save this film. Congratulations Part II. You can now join the long list of other shitty horror sequels. Ugh, I actually regret paying the $7.50 matinee price. Hopefully, Part II tanks at the box office, so they won’t feel the need to make a Part III.    

Final Rating: 1/10