Valentine (2001)

 

**This post contains spoilers**

The Story- During the school dance, Jeremy Melton is rejected by Paige, Lily, and Shelley, when he asks for a dance. Kate tells Jeremy there’s a chance she might dance with him later, but Jeremy finds himself in trouble, while he kisses Dorothy under the bleachers. Dorothy lies and tells the school bullies Jeremy forced himself on her. Jeremy is humiliated and beaten by the group of bullies. After the sexual assault allegations from Dorothy, Jeremy is sent to a reform school and he spends time in juvenile hall.

Thirteen years later during Valentine’s Day season, Paige (Denise Richards), Lily (Jessica Cauffiel), Shelley (Katherine Heigl), Dorothy (Jessica Capshaw), and Kate (Marley Shelton) are all taunted and stalked by a mysterious masked killer. Kate looks for comfort in her ex boyfriend, Adam (David Boreanaz), but almost every male surrounding the group is a suspect. Has Jeremy Melton returned for revenge?

My Thoughts- Looking at the entire cast, Denise Richards and Marley Shelton easily deliver the top two noteworthy performances. Paige is a narcissistic and shallow mean girl with an ego. Richards brings a good amount of enthusiasm and energy to the character, and she definitely has a presence as Paige. Kate is presented as the only humble and earnest person in the group. You could’ve put a halo over Kate’s head throughout the movie, because Shelton is truly convincing as Kate. Everyone else does a job of playing their roles, but that’s about it.

The killer hits all the right notes for a slasher movie villain. Dressed in all black, he’s cold, ruthless, and relentless during the pursuit of his victims. I have mixed feelings on the Cupid mask. I kind of think it looks ridiculous, but once you know the story, you could say it makes perfect sense. The mask fits with the Valentine’s Day theme. It’s ironic that a cold blooded murderer would wear that kind of mask, and if you pay close attention to the opening flashback, there’s a kid wearing the same mask at the school dance.

Valentine features some creative and brutal kills. The killer using a hot iron to burn and beat Kate’s perverted neighbor, Gary (Claude Duhamel) is a savage scene to witness. There’s also the scene where the killer uses broken glass to kill Ruthie (Hedy Burress), and Lily’s death scene has a comedic ending. The killer uses arrows, and as Lilly falls off the balcony, she lands inside a garbage bin and the lid closes shut. 

Paige’s death scene easily takes the top spot. The killer uses the cover on a hot tub to trap her inside, but it doesn’t end there. He brings out a power drill to further torment and injure Paige. Paige is electrocuted to death, when the killer drops the power drill into the hot tub, and it’s a grisly image to see Paige’s body floating in a pool of her own blood. 

Revealing Adam/Jeremy as the killer was a good swerve that was executed to perfection. They did a good job of playing a believable guessing game throughout the movie. Valentine is packed with sordid male characters, including Detective Vaughn and Lily’s pretentious boyfriend, Max (Johnny Whitworth). Adam was portrayed as a messy alcoholic, especially towards the end. The only consistent clue they’ll give you is the killer’s nose bleeds, because Jeremy had a problem with nose bleeds as a kid. Using the nose bleeds as a hint, you at least know or have a good idea that an adult Jeremy is the killer. Paige and the others didn’t believe the pitiful geek Jeremy was capable of changing his name, his appearance, and launching an airtight murder plot to pick them all off one by one.

The final curveball with Dorothy? I genuinely believed she was the killer. Before Adam shoots her to death, Dorothy revealed she was bitter about always being the outcast in the group, or in her own words “the fat one.” The jealousy and anger she was holding on to for all those years finally got to her, and she snapped. Another important tidbit is Ruthie’s death. You could believe Dorothy wanted to kill Ruthie, because she exposed her new boyfriend, Campbell (Daniel Cosgrove), a man who’s a pathological liar and a con artist. Ruthie was Campbell’s ex girlfriend, so Dorothy viewed her as another person who wanted to ruin her last bit of hope for happiness.

Dorothy would’ve been a logical choice for the killer, but Adam still works. The ironic trickery during Adam’s explanation to Kate for why Dorothy allegedly did it was unreal. Adam is consoling Kate, and going on about how Dorothy had a deadly mix of anger and loneliness. Adam was basically telling Kate why he killed her friends, without actually confessing to the murders himself. The blood from the nosebleed running down Kate’s cheek, confirming Adam was the killer, definitely provided a good shocking moment to end the movie.

I’m always a big fan of fine details, and something to pay close attention to is the order in which Adam kills everyone. Adam kills everyone in the exact chronological order for the rejections he received at the dance, saving Dorothy for last and pinning all the murders on her. Remember how Paige told Adam she would rather die by being boiled alive, when he asked her to dance with him? That’s basically how she dies, electrocuted to death in a hot tub. 

Gary’s death is a big clue that points to Adam as the suspect. Looking at the big picture, Gary didn’t fit with the rest of the killings. But he was harassing Kate and stealing her underwear, so whoever killed Gary obviously did it to protect Kate. Adam always made it clear he never stopped loving Kate. She was the only one in the group who was nice to him, and going by his own twisted logic, he would do anything to protect her. 

Valentine is a solid holiday horror film, that also works as a fantastic homage to 80’s slashers. They cleverly put a horror spin on familiar Valentine’s Day traditions. A box of candies with maggots, and the cheesy dark humor with Adam’s Valentine’s Day cards (“roses are red, violets are blue- they’ll need dental records to identify you”) worked as good sinister tie-ins for the movie. 

There’s also a few good comedic bits for some breathing room from all blood shed. Shelley has a disastrous date with a guy named Jason (Adam J. Harrington). Jason is a self absorbed tool, who makes a habit of constantly reminding Shelley of his first name. There’s a hilarious moment, where Shelley scribbles the words “help me” on her plate, as Jason keeps rambling on about his requirements, because she couldn’t wait to get away from him.

Going forward, I’ll be adding Valentine to my list for holiday horror films. I didn’t expect much from Valentine. I was pleasantly surprised, and the double twist at the end was superb. Valentine has a familiar horror slasher story, but it still manages to have its own identity, with a sharp screenplay and good twists and turns.

Rating- 6/10

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

**This review contains spoilers**


As boredom sets in, Trish Jenner (Gina Philips) and Darry Jenner (Justin Long) come up with word games to add some excitement to their countryside road trip to visit their mother. As Darry drives Trish’s unreliable car, the siblings manage to pull a few laughs out of each other, but the fun stops, when a rusty old truck tries to run them off the road. As the driver of the rusty truck stops at an abandoned church a few miles up the road, Trish and Darry witness the mysterious figure dump two dead bodies wrapped in white sheets down a pipe leading into the ground. The figure spots Darry and Trish, and immediately pursues them in his truck. After a more aggressive attempt at trying to run Trish and Darry off the road, Darry drives through an open field for a quick escape.

Out of curiosity, and a foolish belief to do the right thing, Darry convinces Trish to return to the abandoned church, and inspect the contents beneath the pipe. Upon their arrival, Trish is scared by rats, and she accidentally drops Darry through the pipe after holding him up for a better view. In the caverns beneath the church, Darry finds one of the two victims. Darry discovers stitched wounds on the victim, and he dies shortly after Darry’s discovery. Darry finds an assortment of preserved dead bodies, stitched and hung up across the walls of the cavern. Horrified, Darry and Trish stop at a local diner to call the police for help.

After the diner, Trish and Darry are escorted by two cops in one car at night. The mysterious figure returns to murder the cops, but Trish and Darry escape to a reclusive old lady’s house. When the figure arrives, the old lady is more concerned with protecting her cats than helping Trish and Darry, or calling the police. During a struggle with a shotgun, the figure kills the old woman. Trish and Darry escape to the open road, where they learn the true identity of the figure: The Creeper (Jonathan Breck) is a winged demon, who survives by eating body parts from humans. Once The Creeper gets a likeable scent from fear, the creature will pursue his targets at all costs, with a determination to eat the desired body parts. At the diner, The Creeper was able to lock on to Darry’s scent by sniffing his dirty laundry. Angry and frustrated, Trish uses her car to run over The Creeper multiple times, seemingly killing the creature.

Trish and Darry await the arrival of their mother at a local police station in the next town, but the situation takes a bizarre turn, when Jezelle (Patricia Belcher), a local psychic, arrives to warn Trish and Darry. At the diner, Jezelle warned Darry with a phone call about the “Jeepers Creepers” song playing on the radio, because this song is a warning sign for The Creeper’s impending attack. According to Jezelle, the Jeepers Creepers song is currently playing on an old radio station. As Jezelle urges Trish and Darry to leave the police station for safety, the lights go out. Beaten, slightly deformed, and crippled, The Creeper has returned to eat  the body parts from one victim. But who will The Creeper choose: Trish or Darry?

Gina Philips and Justin Long are believable in their roles, but Trish and Darry are two very stupid characters (more on that later). Patricia Belcher doesn’t show up until the very end, and she’s kind of annoying as the hysterical and panicked psychic. And Eileen Brennan is “The Cat Lady” Trish and Darry visit in the middle of the night for a chance to make a phone call. The character reminds me of The Crazy Cat Lady from The Simpsons, but you can’t properly critique Brennan’s performance, because her character is killed off a few minutes after her first and only appearance.

You won’t see The Creeper’s true identity until the very end. Jeepers Creepers takes the slow burn technique to revealing The Creeper’s true demon form, so throughout the movie you’re constantly guessing, and trying to figure out the mystery behind the unknown attacker. Is he a serial killer? A creepy stalker? An Alien? It’s hard to tell, because The Creeper’s wings don’t come out until Trish runs him over with the car towards the end. And The Creeper wears thick clothing with a long coat and a hat, so you can’t see anything. Well, you can see the grey hair sticking out the back of the hat, but that’s about it.

The finale has its flaws (more on that later), but I enjoy the sporadic moments of suspense. Most of the spooky stuff (i.e. The Creeper taunting Trish and Darry on a seemingly deserted open road at night, and The Creeper ominously standing in The Cat Lady’s yard at night, waiting to attack). 

Jeepers Creepers features a few disgusting scenes of gore, and brutal violence. The Creeper using his teeth to rip the tongue out of a severed head is one example, and I can’t forget about The Creeper gnawing into a helpless prisoner, and tearing off a limb or two in the process.

BUT Trish and Darry are two very moronic characters. Here’s a list of their stupid mistakes in the movie, in chronological order (well, sort of):

-So Trish and Darry are going to visit their mother. They could’ve jumped on the freeway to save more time, and if something happened, they could’ve had a better chance to find help. But NO. Let’s take the deserted back roads through the country instead! It’ll take more time, and we’ll have to stop at a hole in the wall diner for help, while a murderer stalks us, but who cares! We get to look at a bunch of open fields with no livestock! Ugh.

-Darry’s more reliable car was an option, but instead, Trish and Darry agreed to take Trish’s piece of shit car? And yes, it’s a problem, because you’ll see a few “THE CAR WON’T START!” scenes, and the gears stick.

-Darry brings a cell phone, but the battery is dead. Seriously?

-The Creeper almost ran the siblings off the road TWICE, and the creature gave them a “don’t fuck with me” look, as Darry and Trish passed by the abandoned church. But Darry has to do the right thing, and he convinces Trish to return to the church to inspect the pipe? And on top of that, Darry has to stick himself in the pipe, and of course, Trish drops him into the underground hideout with mummified bodies.

-At night, Trish and Darry finally escape The Creeper. He’s miles away from them, and they have a good head start to the police station in the next county….but they decide to stop at The Cat Lady’s house. And guess what happens next? The Creeper catches up with them during the pit stop.

-At the church, instead of trying to help her brother out of the hole in the ground, Darry urges Trish to stand on the side of the road, and wait for help. Again, giving The Creeper more time track Darry and Trish.

-During the finale at the police station, Trish and Darry listen to and follow Jezelle without really knowing her. Jezelle leads them into a dangerous situation more than once, and Jezelle openly admits she’s not 100% confident in her predictions.

Jeepers Creepers is loaded with predictable horror clichés with the car not starting being the most annoying one. Plus, the warning signal for The Creeper’s arrival is beyond ridiculous. This movie gets its name from the actual song that’s titled “Jeepers Creepers.” The song is featured in the movie, and when it plays on any radio station, it means The Creeper is about to attack, or the creature is close by waiting for an attack. Yeah, it’s as stupid as it sounds.

Jeepers Creepers is one those frustrating and stupid horror films that will bring a lot of facepalms out of you, while screaming “don’t do that!” or “don’t go in there!” But with all that said,  I still love this movie. It’s dumb fun for me, and I always get a kick out of laughing at Darry and Trish’s stupid choices throughout the movie. For me, Jeepers Creepers is a guilty pleasure, but if you wanted to give this film a 0/10, one star, or an F for a rating, I wouldn’t fuss too much, or put up a big fight.

Final Rating: 5/10