Burying The Ex (2015)(Minor Spoilers Review)

This review contains MINOR spoilers, no major character deaths or reveals.

As a die hard fan of horror movies, Max (Anton Yelchin) works at Bloody Mary’s, a horror shop featuring costumes and all things horror. Max has dreams of opening his own horror shop, but Max’s obsessive and controlling girlfriend, Evelyn (Ashley Greene) has other plans. Max tries to juggle unwanted drop ins from his irresponsible half-brother, Travis (Oliver Cooper), and Evelyn’s pushy demands, and Max’s complicated situation takes a bizarre turn, when he receives a mysterious satanic genie lamp with the devil’s image sculpted on the top in a shipment of new products at work. During a tender moment, Max and Evelyn promise to be together forever, while sharing a kiss, but at the same time, the couple is unaware of the lamp’s glowing, red eyes.

One day, Max strikes up a conversation with Olivia (Alexandra Daddario), an employee at an ice cream shop. But Evelyn forces Max to leave the ice cream shop, and she scolds Max for flirting with Olivia. To make matters worse, Evelyn crosses a line, when she decides to give the apartment a green makeover without Max’s consent.

Miserable and frustrated, Max tries to stay the course, but after a talk with Travis, Max realizes he needs to move on and break up with Evelyn, so a timid and nervous Max arranges a meeting at a park to end the relationship. But fate intervenes, when Evelyn is hit and killed by a bus, as she crosses the street to meet Max.

After Evelyn’s funeral, Max picks up where he left off with Olivia at the ice cream shop, and the two quickly connect and form a bond through their love of horror movies. Max is ready to move on and start a new relationship with Olivia, but Max’s plans for a fresh start are derailed, when Evelyn’s rotting corpse emerges from her grave.

Evelyn returns with an unwavering sense of dedication, and she is determined to continue her relationship with Max. Meanwhile, Max has to stall an impatient Olivia, so he can figure out a solution for the unprecedented dilemma with Evelyn. Travis offers his help, but Max is running out of time, as a suspicious Evelyn starts to question Max’s loyalty, when he continuously rejects her advances. Will Max choose Olivia? Or will Max do the unthinkable with a second chance for Evelyn?

Yelchin does a good job, as the wimpy, spineless, and soft-spoken boyfriend. You’re waiting for that one moment, when he FINALLY stands up to Evelyn, and says “NO!” because he’s a nice guy, who’s trying to do the right thing. Yelchin holds up his end of the bargain, and you want to see the “enough is enough” reaction, because Ashley Greene is spot on as the controlling and bossy girlfriend. You want to believe Evelyn is a kind hearted soul. She’s a perky environmentalist, who wants positive changes, and to add to that, she’s dedicated to Max, because he filled the void in her life after her mother’s death. But there’s a good chance you’ll change your tune, when Evelyn shows her true colors throughout the movie. As the story progresses, the real Evelyn comes out, and she’s not a ray of sunshine. Evelyn is a  pretentious and condescending control freak, who won’t hesitate to tear into (physically and verbally) any critics.

I honestly can’t think of any real complaints for the rest of the supporting cast. Daddario is believable, as this care-free and likable horror nerd, who’s head over heels for Max, and Cooper is good for a few laughs, as the irresponsible womanizer. Also, Yelchin sharing dual chemistry with Greene, as the agitated boyfriend, who’s stuck in a dead end relationship, and Daddario, as the positive second chance at a happy life is impressive.

Burying The Ex is a horror comedy made for horror fans. The movie is loaded with horror references, winks, and clips from vintage horror films, featuring a few all-time greats. There’s a chance others will see the approach to cater to horror fans as a big turn off, but it’s refreshing to see a horror film that’s not afraid to appeal to its core audience.

It’s hard to ignore the noticeable plot hole for the satanic genie lamp. Why did Max receive the lamp? Who sent it to him? How does the lamp work? Is there a limit to the number of wishes for the person, who finds the lamp? Does the lamp come with any rules or restrictions? Of course, common sense leads you to believe the satanic lamp is responsible for Evelyn’s resurrection, but still, Burying The Ex doesn’t provide any answers to some crucial questions.

Also, and this not a complaint (just an observation), but you’ll notice Burying The Ex is a low budget film right off the bat. To give one glaring example, there’s a scene, where Evelyn pukes in Max’s face, because she’s having trouble adjusting to her zombie transformation. Well, this scene is supposed to be one of the bigger gross-out moments in the movie, but Ashley Greene’s vomit looks like Mountain Dew. But if I’m giving credit where credit is due, the gooey and slimy kiss between the zombie version of Evelyn and Max is capable of pulling a reaction out of you. That, and Evelyn’s twisty and bone-crunching yoga scene is good for few a laughs.

Burying The Ex is far from perfect, and the humor is a double-edged sword for me. On one hand, Burying The Ex features one too many corny and eye rolling puns, but every now and then, the cheesy jokes and comedy pulled a few laughs out of me. I won’t go as far as must-see, but if you’re a passionate horror fan, Burying The Ex is one horror comedy that’s worth a try.

Yeah, the through the motions story is predictable, the blatant clichés will probably annoy some people, and if you watch the trailers, you should be able to predict Max’s choice between Olivia and Evelyn. To add to that, there’s a chance Burying The Ex’s style of humor will be too hit-and-miss for some. But Daddario and Yelchin are two likable characters, who you want to root for, and I can’t forget about Greene’s entertaining performance. The gory gruesomeness falls in the passable zone, but in the end, Burying The Ex is a fun horror comedy that has the right amount charm, and it’s just enough to overlook an undeniable plot hole and some apparent flaws.  

Rating- 6/10
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Burying The Ex (2015)(Spoiler Review)

This review contains spoilers.

As a die hard fan of horror movies, Max (Anton Yelchin) works at Bloody Mary’s, a horror shop featuring costumes and all things horror. Max has dreams of opening his own horror shop, but Max’s obsessive and controlling girlfriend, Evelyn (Ashley Greene) has other plans. Max tries to juggle unwanted drop ins from his irresponsible half-brother, Travis (Oliver Cooper), and Evelyn’s pushy demands, and Max’s complicated situation takes a bizarre turn, when he receives a mysterious satanic genie lamp with the devil’s image sculpted on the top in a shipment of new products at work. During a tender moment, Max and Evelyn promise to be together forever, while sharing a kiss, but at the same time, the couple is unaware of the lamp’s glowing, red eyes.

One day, Max strikes up a conversation with Olivia (Alexandra Daddario), an employee at an ice cream shop. But Evelyn forces Max to leave the ice cream shop, and she scolds Max for flirting with Olivia. To make matters worse, Evelyn crosses a line, when she decides to give the apartment a green makeover without Max’s consent.

Miserable and frustrated, Max tries to stay the course, but after a talk with Travis, Max realizes he needs to move on and break up with Evelyn, so a timid and nervous Max arranges a meeting at a park to end the relationship. But fate intervenes, when Evelyn is hit and killed by a bus, as she crosses the street to meet Max.

After Evelyn’s funeral, Max picks up where he left off with Olivia at the ice cream shop, and the two quickly connect and form a bond through their love of horror movies. Max is ready to move on and start a new relationship with Olivia, but Max’s plans for a fresh start are derailed, when Evelyn’s rotting corpse emerges from her grave.

Evelyn returns with an unwavering sense of dedication, and she is determined to continue her relationship with Max. Meanwhile, Max has to stall an impatient Olivia, so he can figure out a solution for the unprecedented dilemma with Evelyn. Travis offers his help, but Max is running out of time, as a suspicious Evelyn starts to question Max’s loyalty, when he continuously rejects her advances. Will Max choose Olivia? Or will Max do the unthinkable with a second chance for Evelyn?

Yelchin does a good job, as the wimpy, spineless, and soft-spoken boyfriend. You’re waiting for that one moment, when he FINALLY stands up to Evelyn, and says “NO!” because he’s a nice guy, who’s trying to do the right thing. Yelchin holds up his end of the bargain, and you want to see the “enough is enough” reaction, because Ashley Greene is spot on as the controlling and bossy girlfriend. You want to believe Evelyn is a kind hearted soul. She’s a perky environmentalist, who wants positive changes, and to add to that, she’s dedicated to Max, because he filled the void in her life after her mother’s death. But there’s a good chance you’ll change your tune, when Evelyn shows her true colors throughout the movie. As the story progresses, the real Evelyn comes out, and she’s not a ray of sunshine. Evelyn is a  pretentious and condescending control freak, who won’t hesitate to tear into (physically and verbally) any critics.

I honestly can’t think of any real complaints for the rest of the supporting cast. Daddario is believable, as this care-free and likable horror nerd, who’s head over heels for Max, and Cooper is good for a few laughs, as the irresponsible womanizer. Also, Yelchin sharing dual chemistry with Greene, as the agitated boyfriend, who’s stuck in a dead end relationship, and Daddario, as the positive second chance at a happy life is impressive.

Max hesitates too long, and he botches a few attempts to murder Evelyn, so Travis decides to take matters into his own hands with a covert mission, but there’s one problem: Evelyn’s thirst and hunger for flesh and brains kicks in. Travis tries to use his machete to kill Evelyn, but Travis is not fast enough, and Evelyn strikes first. Evelyn eats pieces of Travis, and she hides his mangled corpse behind the couch in Max’s apartment.

Evelyn wants to turn Max into a zombie, so they can live together as a happy couple forever, but Max pulls out a few more stall tactics to buy some time. But Evelyn turns the tables on Max, when she learns the truth about his secret relationship with Olivia. Evelyn kidnaps Olivia, and Max finally tells Evelyn he wants to break up and move on, so an enraged Evelyn snaps. Max and Olivia are stuck in a seemingly impossible life-or-death fight against Evelyn in the apartment, but a zombified Travis pops up to save the day, and he uses the machete to kill Evelyn.

With Evelyn out of the picture, Max and Olivia finally bury her body, and they’re free to move on with their lives as a couple. Together, the two open a half ice cream shop/half horror novelties store called Max & Olivia’s Cream-Atorium (Olivia names her latest flavor of ice cream “Burying The Ex”) , and Travis (as a zombie) joins the business as sign holder. To end the movie, Olivia (playfully) confronts Max about not paying his half of the rent, Max responds with an engagement ring, and of course, Olivia accepts his proposal.

Maybe I’m being too nitpicky here, but are we supposed to believe Evelyn can’t realize Max is stalling her, so he can come up with a plan to escape or get rid of her? During Max’s panicky scrambling to come up with a strategy, Evelyn can’t figure out what’s going on until she picks up Max’s phone to see a text message from Olivia, and I know Evelyn is supposed to be a delusional character, who can’t let go of the past, but Burying The Ex hangs on the edge with unbelievable obliviousness and mind-numbing stupidity during Evelyn’s “WHAT’S GOING ON!!!!” dilemma.

Max choosing Olivia over Evelyn is no real surprise. In fact, you can see Max’s choice coming from a mile away, because Max couldn’t tolerate Evelyn as his girlfriend anymore. Yes, you can say Burying The Ex plays it safe during the home stretch, and Travis returning after Evelyn’s bites was a foregone conclusion, but the movie delivers a satisfying finale, so I don’t have any real complaints.

Burying The Ex is a horror comedy made for horror fans. The movie is loaded with horror references, winks, and clips from vintage horror films, featuring a few all-time greats. There’s a chance others will see the approach to cater to horror fans as a big turn off, but it’s refreshing to see a horror film that’s not afraid to appeal to its core audience.

It’s hard to ignore the noticeable plot hole for the satanic genie lamp. Why did Max receive the lamp? Who sent it to him? How does the lamp work? Is there a limit to the number of wishes for the person, who finds the lamp? Does the lamp come with any rules or restrictions? Of course, common sense leads you to believe the satanic lamp is responsible for Evelyn’s resurrection, but still, Burying The Ex doesn’t provide any answers to some crucial questions.

Also, and this not a complaint (just an observation), but you’ll notice Burying The Ex is a low budget film right off the bat. To give one glaring example, there’s a scene, where Evelyn pukes in Max’s face, because she’s having trouble adjusting to her zombie transformation. Well, this scene is supposed to be one of the bigger gross-out moments in the movie, but Ashley Greene’s vomit looks like Mountain Dew. But if I’m giving credit where credit is due, the gooey and slimy kiss between the zombie version of Evelyn and Max is capable of pulling a reaction out of you. That, and Evelyn’s twisty and bone-crunching yoga scene is good for few a laughs.

Burying The Ex is far from perfect, and the humor is a double-edged sword for me. On one hand, Burying The Ex features one too many corny and eye rolling puns, but every now and then, the cheesy jokes and comedy pulled a few laughs out of me. I won’t go as far as must-see, but if you’re a passionate horror fan, Burying The Ex is one horror comedy that’s worth a try.

Yeah, the through the motions story is predictable, the blatant clichés will probably annoy some people, and if you watch the trailers, you should be able to predict Max’s choice between Olivia and Evelyn. To add to that, there’s a chance Burying The Ex’s style of humor will be too hit-and-miss for some. But Daddario and Yelchin are two likable characters, who you want to root for, and I can’t forget about Greene’s entertaining performance. The gory gruesomeness falls in the passable zone, but in the end, Burying The Ex is a fun horror comedy that has the right amount charm, and it’s just enough to overlook an undeniable plot hole and some apparent flaws.  

Rating- 6/10
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Bereavement (2010) (Minor Spoiler Review)

**This review contains MINOR spoilers, but no major plot twists, or surprises are revealed in this review.**

It’s 1989, and within the small town of Minersville, Pennsylvania, a local recluse named Graham Sutter (Brett Rickaby) lures a young Martin Bristol (Spencer List) away from his mother and the swing set in his backyard with the promise of a new bicycle. At the abandoned meat packing plant, where Graham worked with his father as a child, Graham forces Martin to witness his secret life as a serial killer, as Graham kidnaps, tortures, and murders young women within the plant. Too horrified to speak, and suffering from a rare condition where he’s unable to feel physical pain, Martin is forced into a life of being Graham’s pupil/assistant, as Graham continues his killing spree, while worshiping the skeletal remains in a shrine that include a bull’s skull.

Five years later, Allison Miller (Alexandra Daddario) arrives in Minersville to live with her uncle Jonathan Miller (Michael Biehn), his wife Karen (Kathryn Meisle), and their daughter Wendy (Peyton List). Allison is forced into her new life, because she had nowhere else to go after her parents were killed in a car accident by an SUV. Lonely and heartbroken, Allison forms a bond with a troubled local teen named William (Nolan Gerard Funk).

Meanwhile, Graham continues his secret life as a serial killer of young women with Martin at as his side. But moving on will be the least of Allison’s worries. One day, Allison accidentally spots Martin in the abandoned meat packing plant while jogging, and Allison’s curiosity will put her on a dangerous collision course with Graham.

Looking for a significant amount of spotlight on Michael Biehn? Don’t get your hopes up and don’t let the box cover fool you, because Biehn is the only actor with any real name value here, so they had to use the only form of star power they had to sell the movie. Biehn’s character is pushed into the background here, because the vast majority of focus goes to Allison, Graham, and Martin.

Daddario is believable in her role, as the lost teen, who’s looking for someone to bond with, and although he doesn’t speak a word here, List did a wonderful job of conveying his emotions through facial expressions (a lot of the cold, heartless stares towards the end) and body language. And Brett Rickaby is spot on as the delusional and bloodthirsty sociopath. Rickaby does a great job of selling Graham’s outrage (“WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME!”) and his dedication to the shrine, and he’s able to convince you Graham is this delusional nutcase, who believes he’s doing the right thing (or a sort of cleansing service for mankind). Also, Bereavement is loaded with a handful of ear shattering scream queens (including Daddario). No joke, I had to turn the volume down a few times, because my ear drums couldn’t take it.

Writer/director Stevan Mena slowly merges both storylines together. On one hand, you have Allison trying to adjust to her new life, and move on after the death of her parents. On the other, you have Graham grooming and training Martin to be a cold-blooded killer. Mena does a good job of smoothly merging both storylines together, creating a hectic and suspenseful finale at the end. Plus, Mena deserves some credit for creating a few spooky atmospherics.

Of course, Bereavement isn’t perfect. One gaping hole in logic that bothered me, is how NOBODY in this small and quiet little town noticed the odd behavior of the creepy recluse, who drives around in a old, beat up black van. Still, Bereavement is a solid entry into the Indy American horror scene. Mena doesn’t go overboard with the blood, gore, and nasty stuff. He shows just enough to gross you out, and I usually appreciate this approach more, because this approach plays with the “OUCH! That had to hurt! Or “Wow. That must’ve been PAINFUL” side of your imagination.

Rating: 7/10

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Bereavement (2010) (Spoiler Review)

**This review contains spoilers**

It’s 1989, and within the small town of Minersville, Pennsylvania, a local recluse named Graham Sutter (Brett Rickaby) lures a young Martin Bristol (Spencer List) away from his mother and the swing set in his backyard with the promise of a new bicycle. At the abandoned meat packing plant, where Graham worked with his father as a child, Graham forces Martin to witness his secret life as a serial killer, as Graham kidnaps, tortures, and murders young women within the plant. Too horrified to speak, and suffering from a rare condition where he’s unable to feel physical pain, Martin is forced into a life of being Graham’s pupil/assistant, as Graham continues his killing spree, while worshiping the skeletal remains in a shrine that include a bull’s skull.

Five years later, Allison Miller (Alexandra Daddario) arrives in Minersville to live with her uncle Jonathan Miller (Michael Biehn), his wife Karen (Kathryn Meisle), and their daughter Wendy (Peyton List). Allison is forced into her new life, because she had nowhere else to go after her parents were killed in a car accident by an SUV. Lonely and heartbroken, Allison forms a bond with a troubled local teen named William (Nolan Gerard Funk).

Meanwhile, Graham continues his secret life as a serial killer of young women with Martin at as his side. But moving on will be the least of Allison’s worries. One day, Allison accidentally spots Martin in the abandoned meat packing plant while jogging, and Allison’s curiosity will put her on a dangerous collision course with Graham.

Looking for a significant amount of spotlight on Michael Biehn? Don’t get your hopes up and don’t let the box cover fool you, because Biehn is the only actor with any real name value here, so they had to use the only form of star power they had to sell the movie. Biehn’s character is pushed into the background here, because the vast majority of focus goes to Allison, Graham, and Martin.

Daddario is believable in her role, as the lost teen, who’s looking for someone to bond with, and although he doesn’t speak a word here, List did a wonderful job of conveying his emotions through facial expressions (a lot of the cold, heartless stares towards the end) and body language. And Brett Rickaby is spot on as the delusional and bloodthirsty sociopath. Rickaby does a great job of selling Graham’s outrage (“WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME!”) and his dedication to the shrine, and he’s able to convince you Graham is this delusional nutcase, who believes he’s doing the right thing (or a sort of cleansing service for mankind). Also, Bereavement is loaded with a handful of ear shattering scream queens (including Daddario). No joke, I had to turn the volume down a few times, because my ear drums couldn’t take it.

Writer/director Stevan Mena slowly merges both storylines together. On one hand, you have Allison trying to adjust to her new life, and move on after the death of her parents. On the other, you have Graham grooming and training Martin to be a cold-blooded killer. Mena does a good job of smoothly merging both storylines together, creating a hectic and suspenseful finale at the end. Plus, Mena deserves some credit for creating a few spooky atmospherics. A prime example of a spooky setting would be Martin’s dream of finally escaping Graham. Martin is running for his life, until he stops in an open field. Martin stops in his tracks, when he spots the bull skull shrine Graham worships in the distance….and the bull skull quickly turns to make eye contact with Martin. After that, Martin snaps out of it, and he awakes in the real world. Eerie stuff.

Truth be told, I wasn’t too crazy about Bereavement, until the finale started to unfold. Don’t get me wrong, I was enjoying Bereavement, but nothing blew me away. But when Allison decides to go after Martin inside the meat packing plant on a rescue mission, I was hooked in, and I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen. Graham eventually returns, captures Allison, and congratulates Martin for the setup. Allison is locked inside a freezer, and it looks like William is about to rescue her…..but Graham sneaks up from behind him, and bashes William’s head in with a shovel.

Back at the Miller household, Graham decides to tie up any loose ends by burning down the house with the Miller’s dead bodies inside, so no one else will suspect anything fishy. After she escapes the meat packing plant with Martin, Allison tries to call 911, while the house is burning….but Martin pops out of a closet, and he brutally stabs Allison to death. Mena deserves credit for this genuinely surprising swerve, because I can honestly say Martin killing Allison caught me off guard. You could see Martin turning on Graham coming from a mile away, and he did (Martin kills Graham at the end), but killing Allsion? No way. I mean, it’s only natural to believe this young kid would  be overly grateful for the savior, who FINALLY rescued him from the clutches of the madman, who traumatized him and ruined his life, right?  That’s why Martin killing Allison was such a huge shock, because logic leads you to believe Martin wouldn’t hesitate to leave a life of murder and torture behind him.

My only complaint about the finale is Michael Biehn’s unceremonious death. Jonathan goes to Graham’s house to find Allison after she disappears. Graham denies ever seeing Allison, but Allison screams for her uncle. Graham gets a shotgun, and he kills Jonathan by putting a giant hole in his chest. Jonathan’s end was so abrupt and out of left field, and Biehn easily receives the most underwhelming and disappointing death in Bereavement.

Of course, Bereavement isn’t perfect. One gaping hole in logic that bothered me, is how NOBODY in this small and quiet little town noticed the odd behavior of the creepy recluse, who drives around in a old, beat up black van. Still, Bereavement is a solid entry into the Indy American horror scene. Mena doesn’t go overboard with the blood, gore, and nasty stuff. He shows just enough to gross you out, and I usually appreciate this approach more, because this approach plays with the “OUCH! That had to hurt! Or “Wow. That must’ve been PAINFUL” side of your imagination.

Rating: 7/10

Both ebooks are back with new covers!

Looking for a change from Batman, Spider-Man, and Iron Man? Then get know the world's newest superheroine Freechelle Fantabulous for only $0.99 by following the link- http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00EFLI6VK

Or take a trip into world of madness that includes comedy, horror, and the supernatural in my book of short stories, also only $0.99-  http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00EFMYZ0U

Follow me on Twitter here- https://twitter.com/LQuigleyFan1

And don't forget to like both of my Facebook pages, because the Mitch MacReady 2 Facebook page includes quotes from both ebooks that can't fit into Tweets-

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Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

In 1974, a mob in Newt, Texas corners the Sawyer family at their house. Led by Mayor Burt Hartman (Paul Rae), a mob of townspeople demand blood for the crimes of Jed Sawyer (or “Leatherface“). Sheriff Hooper (Thom Berry) tries to make a deal with the Sawyer family, that would secure Jed’s peaceful surrender. But Burt orders his mob to burn down the Sawyer house, killing most of the Sawyer family. Jed’s chainsaw is found in the charred rubble, but the mob can’t find Jed’s body.

The mob takes Jed’s chainsaw as a trophy prize to hang in the local tavern, but Gavin Miller (one of the townspeople) finds two members of the Sawyer family scared and by themselves. Loretta Sawyer (Dodie Brown) cradles her infant daughter, Edith, but Gavin murders Loretta, and he takes the baby for his infertile wife, Arlene. Edith’s name is changed to Heather, and the Miller’s raise her as their child.

Years later, Heather (Alexandra Daddario) is a grown woman, and she receives a letter about her grandmother's passing. In her will, Verna Carson (Heather’s grandmother) gives Heather a luxurious mansion in Newt, Texas, and Heather learns the truth about her “adoption” from the Millers. Heather decides to visit the mansion with her boyfriend, Ryan (Trey Songz), her best friend Nikki (Tania Raymonds), her boyfriend, Kenny (Keram Malicki-Sanchez), and in an exchange for a dropped lawsuit, the friends pick up a hitchhiker named Darryl (Shaun Sipos).

Upon arrival in Newt, Texas, Heather receives Verna’s final letter and the keys to the mansion from the Sawyer family’s lawyer, Farnsworth (Richard Riehle). Heather tries to grasp the sight the Sawyer family cemetery in the front yard, but she’ll have to deal with a bigger problem. Behind a secret door, Jed Sawyer (Dan Yeager) is living in the dank cellars beneath the mansion. Sheriff Hooper tries to derail the sinister plans of a bitter Mayor Hartman, as Jed embarks on another killing spree.

First of all, Texas Chainsaw 3D IS a remake. It’s not the only and first direct sequel to Tob Hooper’s 1974 classic. Tob Hooper directed The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, and here’s a DVD cover to prove it.

                                                                  
                                                                         

Sorry, but I just had to mention this. Texas Chainsaw 3D tries to ignore its predecessor with the “direct sequel” stuff, but you can’t just omit the existence of a film like it never happened. I have the same feelings about The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo 2011. They marketed the 2011 film as a direct adaptation of the novel, ignoring the 2009 Swedish film. 

Anyway, Alexandra Daddario delivers the best performance in this film, easily. Raymonds is just eye candy, and director John Luessenhop is obsessed with constant close-up shots of her ass. Trey Songz is just there, and Malicki-Sanchez doesn’t last long. Rae is a believable loud-mouthed and rambunctious redneck, and Thom Berry is decent enough as Sheriff Hooper.

Now on to Leatherface. Jed has his moments as an intimidating chainsaw wielding maniac. His cross-dressing habit is bizarre (for obvious reasons), but Jed is still a ruthless and cold-hearted killer looking for revenge. Thomas Hewitt (Leatherface in the 2003 remake and The Beginning) is still my pick for the most intimidating Leatherface. Andrew Bryniarski (Hewitt) embodied the presence of an unstoppable killing machine, but Dan Yeager provides some hope for future installments in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise. Plus, Yeager probably did some research (i.e. watching other Massacre films) for his character, because he really nailed Leatherface’s clunky style of running.

The 3D effects were impressive, Texas Chainsaw 3D is loaded with bloody and gruesome gore, and I enjoyed  John Luessenhop’s usage of footage from the 1974 original. Luessenhop shows actual footage from the 1974 original during the intro, and then he makes the transition to the present setting of Texas Chainsaw 3D. Clever trick, and I appreciated the extra effort.

With all that said, don’t get your hopes up for anything special in this film. With the exception of Heather’s decision at the end (more on that later), Texas Chainsaw 3D is a just a mindless slasher film, nothing less, nothing more. They pulled out every horror cliché imaginable for this film. As she runs from Leatherface’s attack, Heather trips and falls down twice. As the friends try to escape Leatherface, Ryan runs into some trouble, when the hippie van won’t start.

And they just had to throw in this stupid “search the house” scene towards the end. One of Sheriff Hooper’s deputies is searching the Sawyer mansion. He’s armed with one gun, a flashlight, and he uses his cell phone as  live look-in camera for Sheriff Hooper and Mayor Hartman. The deputy is walking though the  mansion ALONE, and he follows a long trail of blood to Leatherface’s cellar. He discovers Leatherface’s den of body parts and blood, BUT he never takes the numerous chances to safely leave the mansion, and of course Leatherface murders him in cold-blood, and he decides to use his face as a new mask. Ugh.

The slasher blueprint for Texas Chainsaw 3D is very predictable, but Heather’s SHOCKING decision at the end is a different story. So after narrowly escaping Leatherface’s attack at the town carnival, Heather is sitting in the Newt police station for protection, and Sheriff Hooper leaves a box of evidence from the Sawyer family murders on the table. Heather learns the truth about the Sawyer massacre, and the townspeople’s assault on her family. Oh, and Leatherface is her cousin.

Heather sneaks out of the police station, but she’s picked up by Deputy Carl. Throughout the film, Heather forms a friendly relationship with Carl…..until Carl reveals himself as Burt’s son. Carl isn’t trying to help Heather. He’s kidnapping her, and Carl is taking Heather to the local slaughterhouse. In an attempt to destroy the Sawyer bloodline once and for all, Burt plans on torturing and murdering Heather, and when he shows up, Burt will finish off Leatherface. Heather is tied-up and helpless, but Jed uses his chainsaw to free Heather. And as Sheriff Hooper gives the green light, Jed murders Burt.

Heather finally reads her grandmother’s last letter, and she learns about the strings attached to her new mansion: Heather must take care of Leatherface, and keep him hidden from the outside world.

Of course, a handful of horror aficionados are creaming themselves over Leatherface’s anti-hero status in this film. I’ll give Texas Chainsaw 3D some credit for this bold move. It  was an unexpected twist, and I laughed myself into tears, when Heather shouted “do your thing cuz!” as she gave him the chainsaw in the slaughterhouse. But where are they’re going to go now? The Heather character fully embraced her Sawyer heritage towards the end, and she agreed to take care of her cousin Jed, but can Heather really trust Jed? What’s going to stop him from losing his cool, and slicing Heather in half with his chainsaw? Plus, Heather keeping Leatherface a secret is easier said than done. The people of Newt are aware of his presence, and there’s only ONE place, where he could hide from the world. Is Heather capable of fighting off an entire town to protect her cousin? I doubt it.

Storyline wise, the anti-hero twist could be a disastrous hurdle for the future, but after thinking it over, I’ve settled into the “let’s see where it goes” mind set.

Texas Chainsaw 3D is trash, but it’s fun trash. You’ll see plenty of “don’t go in there!” or “don’t do that!” moments in this film, and the cheesy one-liners (“WELCOME TO TEXAS MOTHERFUCKER!”) might bring a few cheap laughs out of you.  Horror fans, who love gruesome gore and sickening deaths should enjoy this, and Texas Chainsaw 3D is my first guilty pleasure of 2013. Also, Gunner Hansen (the original Leatherface) has a cameo in this film, but I didn’t notice him.

Final Rating: 5/10