The Bay (2012)

**This review contains spoilers**


On July 4, 2009, a college student named Donna Thompson (Kether Donohue) travels to the small bay town of Claridge, Maryland to document and cover the town’s annual Fourth Of July festivities. But things take a drastic turn for the worst, when contestants in a crab eating contest start vomiting non stop. Mayor Stockman (Frank Deal) tries to dismiss and ignore the epidemic, but throughout the day and into the night, more town residents and visitors contract a mysterious and fatal flesh eating illness. Research reveals signs leading up to the outbreak, including chicken feces contaminating the local water supply, the mutilated dead bodies of two divers, and piles and piles of dead fish and birds. Eventually, mutated parasites are revealed as the source of the illness.

During the chaos, Donna struggles to find answers and help, because the FBI and the government step in and cut off all communications to the outside world. The death toll rises beyond the seven hundred mark, and the remaining survivors of Claridge struggle to find help and avoid contact with the infected. Meanwhile, unaware of the death and devastation, Stephanie (Kristen Connolly), her husband, and infant son arrive at the Claridge docks at night to visit Stephanie’s grandparents…..

The Bay did a good job of tugging on my “this could actually happen in real life” thought process. The news clips of dead fish and birds helped, and the bits of information piecing together the mystery provided a necessary feeling of authenticity. But the little cover up about the chicken feces contaminating the water supply is the clincher. When you actually see the footage of the chickens, and you see them feeding, it makes you believe a similar epidemic could happen in real life, especially in a small, homely town.

And The Bay is my type of found-footage film. It’s no secret I usually despise this sub-genre, but The Bay gets it right. Attention to details is a BIG reason for The Bay’s strong sense of realism. They make sure to thoroughly identify all the medics, doctors, scientists, and marine biologists by explaining their job titles, backgrounds, and the tasks they’re performing.

Barry Levinson (the director) has a crafty touch of weaving in the real life news footage, the found footage from the citizens of Claridge, and Donna’s recorded footage, because Levinson gives you the impression you’re watching a real documentary with the real life footage. A teenage couple’s video camera was damaged by water during an attack, and they use this as a reason for the glitches in the video. And certain videos received audio enhancements, because everything was too unclear to understand the first time around. You also get the POV from citizens of Claridge, as they use their video cameras and cell phones (not just videos or pictures, text messages also) to document the hysteria. Good stuff.

The Bay has a few jump scares here and there, but nothing to really brag about. A sense of realism enhances the terror in this film, and on top of that, Levinson provides the perfect spooky atmosphere. Towards the end, Claridge looks like a ghost town, because you’ll see dead and dismembered bodies all throughout the streets and on front lawns, and there’s this eerie silence at night, as Stephanie and her husband search for help in a seemingly deserted town. Plus, there’s the video footage of two cops going to check out a house full of infected people. They don’t actually show what’s going on inside the house. You just hear the screams of the infected, gunshots, and people begging for their lives. It’s a good example of less is more, because you’re wondering what’s going on in the house. It must be pretty terrible and frightening, if people are screaming to the top of their lungs, and literally begging for a mercy killing, right?

If blood, gore, and other nasty stuff bothers you, you should probably avoid The Bay. You’ll see a lot of blood, vomit, and mangled bodies, as the parasites crawl in and out of their victims. No real complaints about the quality of acting from the cast, but I rolled my eyes at Frank Deal’s character, because he’s your typical and clichéd dirty politician, who’ll do anything to snag some votes.

The Bay is one of the better found-footage horror films I’ve seen. You can really feel the panic, fear, and hopelessness from everyone in Claridge. Although, The Bay has some boring periods, as they try to explain the situation, and the doctor’s video chats with the CVC almost put me to sleep. Still, it’s nice to see a found-footage horror film break away from the mold of a bunch of idiots running around in the dark, screaming, and shaking the fucking camera every two minutes.

Rating: 8/10

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You're Next (2013)

**This review contains SOME spoilers, nothing major**

To celebrate their 35th wedding anniversary, Paul Davison (Rob Moran) and Aubrey Davison (Barbara Crampton) invite their children to their vacation home deep in the woods. With some lasting  friction between them, Paul and Aubrey’s sons Crispian (A.J. Bowen) and Drake (Joe Swanberg) snipe at each other, while Drake’s wife, Kelly (Margaret Laney) tries to be a peacemaker, and Crispian’s girlfriend, Erin (Sharni Vinson) is stuck in the middle. Meanwhile, Paul and Aubrey’s other son, Felix (Nicholas Tucci) remains anti-social and grumpy with his quiet, but creepy girlfriend, Zee (Wendy Glenn). As the most normal child in the family, Paul and Aubrey’s cheery daughter, Aimee (Amy Seimetz) is happy with her boyfriend, Tariq (Ti West).

When the night of the big dinner arrives, Crispian and Drake go at each other’s throats during the feast, after Drake makes a slight remark about his relationship with Erin. But the argument is cut short, when an arrow bursts through a window and Tariq’s forehead, killing him. A mysterious group of men wearing animal masks and dressed in all black are armed with crossbows, axes, and machetes as they stalk, hunt, and plan to kill anyone inside the house. With no clear exits, and cell phones with no signals, everyone is forced to work together for survival. But who are these men, and why are they determined to slaughter innocent people?

Kind of sucks how Ti West had to die so early. I didn’t even realize this until I actually saw the movie a few hours ago, but Ti West is the guy, who’s killed after looking out the window in the trailers. Remember how something (an arrow) breaks through the window, a guy falls to the ground dead, and everyone starts screaming and freaking out? Yeah, that’s Ti West, and his appearance here is limited to cameo status, because he’s killed off a few minutes after the introduction of his character. And ironically enough, West’s character is a filmmaker.

The honor for best performance in You’re Next goes to Sharni Vinson, easily. She’s fierce, fearless, tough, and you can’t question her believability as a bad ass. It’s a refreshing change for horror films, because the fighting woman is usually panicky and frightened, screams to the top of her lungs every five minutes, and her acts of bravery are limited to blind strokes of luck after she kills or maims an antagonist (or antagonists). And on top of that, Vinson was able to show some vulnerability and shed some tears after Erin discovers the truth behind the attacks at the very end.

Runner up would go to Joe Swanberg. He provides most of the laughs, as the obnoxious and pushy dick. And Wendy Glenn is really, really creepy and dark as Zee, especially towards the end. And A.J. Bowen is appropriately pretentious and snobbish as Crispian, who is a real douchebag throughout this film. Rest of the cast never rises above okay or decent enough quality wise. That, or their characters are killed off too soon to make a significant impact on the story.

Looking for likeable characters, who you can root for and form a bond with? Well, you won’t find too many in You’re Next. In fact, Vinson portrays the only likeable character, as Erin emerges from the pack as the gutsy leader, who won’t quit no matter what.

In a lot of the promo ads and trailers for this film, you’ll see You’re Next pushed as a fresh and different home invasion horror film. Well, that’s bullshit for the most part. Erin being a fighting heroine is a nice change, but You’re Next is still loaded with predictable horror clichés, and stupid, STUPID characters. The clichés? “Hey! Let’s split up from the group, and isolate ourselves in separate rooms, while a bunch of killers are hunting us!” Opening doors you shouldn’t open, people randomly running out of the house with NO protection or weapons, and taking time to look under the bed, when you damn well know there’s someone hiding under there. And of course, the protagonists realize staying inside the house is probably safer than “making a run for it” after the people, who tried to run return as dismembered corpses. Ugh. And you can tell, who the sole survivor will be at the very end, as the story develops. You’re Next tries to throw you off the trail every now and then, but it’s too obvious.

But with all that said, You’re Next deserves a lot of credit for two genuinely shocking twists for, “who’s pulling the strings?” The first twist becomes more obvious in the events leading up to it, but the second one during the big finale really caught me off guard. I won’t give away too much, but money and greed are the key motivations for the attacks.

It’s not perfect, but still, I really enjoyed You’re Next. It’s a bloody and gory home invasion horror flick, that’s loaded with a lot of gruesome and nasty deaths, and a few decent jump scares (mainly at the beginning). I don’t want to give it away, but the blender death (you’ll know it, when you see it) is the most repulsive death scene in this film, and the home made weapons and traps are just brutal (boards with nails in them, Erin’s axe contraption, etc.). You’re Next should please the most bloodthirsty gore fiends, and the jaw-dropping kills are more than capable of making you cringe. Plus, the cliffhanger to close out the movie is just perfect.

Rating: 7/10


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Rapture-Palooza (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

After The Rapture, Lindsey Lewis (Anna Kendrick), her family, her boyfriend, Ben House (John Francis Daley) and his father, Mr. House (Rob Corddry) are stuck on a post-apocalyptic Earth. Living in Seattle, Lindsey and Ben try to ignore the wraiths, falling asteroids, and blood rainstorms and make the best of the apocalypse by volunteering at the local community center and making a little extra cash on the side by working a sandwich cart, while Mr. House volunteers his services to The Anti-Christ and new ruler of the world.

After using the cover of a slimy politician to hide his true identity, The Anti-Christ uses “The Beast” (Craig Robinson) as a nickname, and as ruler of the world, The Beast is obsessed with power and domination, as he destroys entire cities. But The Beast sets his sights on a new mission, when he spots Lindsey during a visit to his mansion one day. The Beast will stop at nothing to take Lindsey’s virginity, so he gives Lindsey an ultimatum: after eight hours pass, Lindsey must have sex with The Beast, or The Beast will use his forces to kill off Lindsey’s mother, Mrs. Lewis ( Ana Gasteyer), her boyfriend, and Lindsey’s remaining family and friends on Earth.

Lindsey and Ben come up with a plan to stop The Beast once and for all, and save the world with the help of a wraith/next door neighbor named Mr. Murphy (Tom Lennon), who’s obsessed with cutting his lawn and lawnmowers. But Lindsey and Ben run into some trouble, when a loyal Mr. House tries to foil their plans, and Lindsey quickly runs out of options, while stalling for time with The Beast.

Anna Kendrick has found a nice niche for herself as an innocent, geeky, and somewhat naïve woman in most of her films. More often than not, Kendrick sticks to the same routine, but she’s likeable and funny, and nothing changes here. Daley is dead weight, because he’s carried by Kendrick, Robinson, Corddry, and Lennon throughout the film. And speaking of Corddry, he’s hilarious as the unapologetic traitor/kiss-ass, who will do anything to remain in The Beast’s good graces. When it comes to Ana Gasteyer, I don’t think you’ll have any middle ground. Gasteyer is a hyper nervous wreck, as the uptight housewife/widow, and she goes WAY over the top with her performance. Personally, I enjoyed Gasteyer, but I could see why others would be annoyed by her.

Craig Robinson is really hit and miss for me most of the time, but he’s able to provide a good amount of laughs, as this pompous and heartless jerk with a massive ego. Ken Jeong has a little cameo towards the very end as God. Usually, I can’t stand Jeong, but he’s tolerable enough, because of limited screen time. Too much of Jeong isn’t a good thing, because his act becomes tiresome quickly. It’s why I can’t stand his overexposure in The Hangover films. And well I hate to admit it, but Jeong actually put a smile on my face here. But a lot of that comes from the shocking irony of Jeong as God, because you would never picture someone like Jeong playing such a character.

Rapture-Palooza is a low budget film, and you can clearly see it. The CGI talking birds and crows, the talking grasshopper, the asteroids, the lighting, and Beast’s doomsday laser cannon. Rapture-Palooza looks cheap. There’s no denying that, but the set pieces and CGI don’t drag the quality of Rapture-Palooza down. I hate to take another shot the SyFy Channel, but they usually set the bar for low quality effects, and Rapture-Palooza’s special effects aren’t as cheap and tacky as a SyFy channel original.

Rapture-Palooza has a few overkill problems, with the crows and birds constantly shouting obscenities being the most obvious example, but I still enjoyed this film. Rapture-Palooza provides consistent laughs, and the rock solid cast (minus Daley) delivers a good set of entertaining comedic performances. Rapture-Palooza is mindless and silly fun, and they didn’t go overboard with the vulgar humor here. Most of the raunchy stuff comes from Robinson’s Beast, and when it comes to the humor and jokes, Rapture-Palooza did a nice job of mixing it up with a good amount of variety. And for my money, this is best post-apocalyptic comedy I’ve seen this year. Much better than that overrated piece of shit This Is The End.

Rating: 7/10


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Paranoia (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

Fed up with being an entry level scrub at the Wyatt Corporation, Adam Cassidy (Liam Hemsworth) puts all of his eggs in one basket with a presentation, that could change his ordinary life. With his teammates and friends by his side, Adam gives it his all with a pitch about a new technology for social media, but Adam’s presentation doesn’t impress Nicholas Wyatt (Gary Oldman), the owner and boss of the Wyatt Corporation. The failure of the presentation and a smart remark costs Adam and his friends their jobs, but Adam decides to get a little payback by using a company credit card to run up a sixteen thousand dollar bill at a night club with his friends.

The very next day, Adam is taken back to the Wyatt Corporation against his will by Wyatt’s enforcer and personal bodyguard, Miles Meechum (Julian McMahon). Threatening to press charges against Adam for credit card fraud, Wyatt gives Adam a choice: he can either go to jail, or he can accept a mission from Wyatt to become a spy and infiltrate the Eikon Corporation, Wyatt’s top competitor, so he can learn about and eventually steal a prototype that will change the landscape for technology, and give US soldiers a better fighting chance in the battle field. Using jail time and the hopes of providing a better life for himself and his ill father, Frank (Richard Dreyfuss) as motivation, Adam accepts the offer.

Courtesy of Wyatt’s team and his top assistant, Judith (Embeth Davidtz), Adam receives a makeover, so he can look the part of a hot shot executive with new suits and a lavish apartment. After his first presentation, Adam catches the eye and gains the trust of Jock Goddard (Harrison Ford), Wyatt’s former mentor turned rival and the owner of Eikon. But to pull of the heist, Adam must deceive, Emma Jennings (Amber Heard), Eikon’s Director Of Marketing, and Adam will have to fight his feelings for Emma after a one night stand with Emma before his mission started.

Adam has second thoughts about his promise to Wyatt after receiving a warning from an FBI agent named Gamble (Josh Holloway), but Wyatt uses Frank’s life as collateral, if Adam decides to pull out. Adam is given a deadline to steal the prototype after Wyatt senses betrayal, but at the last possible second, Jock pulls a trump card, that will alter the course of Adam’s mission.

Make no mistake about it. Liam Hemsowrth is the biggest problem here, because the entire story revolves around his character. Hemsworth is such a dull, boring, and uninteresting leading man. And I’m sorry, but he’s not believable as this suave and crafty businessman/whiz kid, who’s one step ahead of everyone else. I have no real complaints about Amber Heard’s performance, but her character is so clichéd (more on that later). Julian McMahon is just there, and he could’ve been replaced by anyone else. And I wish Josh Holloway had more screen time. He had so much potential, as the hard ass FBI agent, but his character is limited to sporadic appearances (in fact, I only counted three: the one at the bar, the one at the house, where Gamble goes to warn Adam about Wyatt, and at the end during the big arrests).

So yeah, the veterans take the cake here. Richard Dreyfuss steals every scene he’s in, making Hemsworth look more inferior in the process. Gary Oldman and Harrison Ford are fantastic here. Oldman is so slimy and detestable throughout the movie, as the rich and power hungry corporate asshole. Ford has his moments as a vulnerable old man, but towards the end, when Jock shows his true colors, Ford does a wonderful job of transforming himself into a villain, who’s just as (if not more) despicable than Oldman.

The rivalry between Jock and Wyatt is the driving force behind Paranoia. Oldman and Ford really sold the hatred and bitterness between both men, and their face to face duels are the highlights of this film. I’m pretty sure you’ve all seen this part in the trailers and TV spots, but it’s a lot more intense, when you actually see it in the film, and the events leading up to it. Jock and Wyatt are going at it, and the heated part of the argument concludes with this:

Wyatt: “YOU STOOD ON MY SHOULDERS!”

Jock: “And now I’m standing on your neck!”

Unfortunately, Paranoia is suffocated by too many clichéd characters. Adam is the typical Average Joe, who wants a better life, and he’s willing to do anything to get it, until he realizes he went too far and made a mistake. Amber Heard’s Emma is a horribly bland “strong woman in the business world, who outworks all the men to prove her worth.” Yeah, Ford and Oldman’s characters are power hungry business men, but they get a pass from me, because their performances are the backbone of this film.

And the predictability? Yikes. Paranoia deserves some credit for a handful of genuinely shocking twists at the end, but the through the motions story before the big finale almost put me to sleep. Adam wanting to back out of Wyatt’s deal, Emma giving Adam a second chance, and falling in love with him after the one night stand, Adam wanting a second chance with Emma after he betrays her, Adam setting the wheels in motion to turn the tables on Wyatt and Jock, and of course, when Adam tries to steal the prototype, everything goes wrong. Oh, and giving away a lot of the major plot points in the trailers didn’t help anything.

Plus, Paranoia is loaded with “Big Brother” material. Adam is being monitored by Miles and other Wyatt associates at his apartment with surveillance cameras, and the Big Brother paranoia (no pun intended) is a reoccurring theme throughout this movie. My reaction to the Big Brother themes and social commentary? Meh. It’s nothing you haven’t seen before in other mainstream mystery suspense thrillers, and the fancy technology and cool graphics couldn’t help Paranoia stand out amongst the pack. 

With all that said, I didn’t hate Paranoia. As a thriller, yeah Paranoia is a snoozer and pretty generic (you can see the dramatic big arrests scene and downfall of empires aftermath/ending coming from a mile away), but it’s hard to take your eyes off of Ford and Oldman (Richard Dreyfuss deserves credit too), especially when they’re on screen together. Paranoia definitely had the potential to be a better thriller. With a different director (Robert Luketic‘s style is very bland, and for a thriller, Paranoia is severely lacking in the suspense and thrills department ) and a better leading man, Paranoia could’ve been one of the better summer films this year, easily.

Rating: 4/10

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Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

After inspiring others to fight crime and clean up the streets, Dave Lizewski (Aaron-Taylor Johnson) decides to retire his Kick-Ass persona. Still inspired by her father’s mission and dedicated to keeping her promise to Big Daddy, Mindy Macready (Chloe Grace Moretz ) refuses to give up her life as Hit-Girl, until she receives pressure from Sergeant Marcus Williams (Morris Chestnut),  Mindy’s guardian and the man, who swore to protect her from any danger. Mindy tries to train Dave, so he can be a real hero without having to put on the costume, but Marcus steps in, and forces Mindy to retire the Hit-Girl persona and her life of crime fighting for good. Furious about the perceived awkward relationship with Mindy at school and a neglectful attitude, Dave’s girlfriend, Katie (Lyndsy Fonseca) dumps him in the hallways by slapping him in the face one day.

Meanwhile, Chris D’Amico (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) is still looking for revenge after Kick-Ass used a rocket launcher to murder his father. After an argument with his mother, Chris accidentally kills Ms. D’Amico by kicking her tanning bed, causing it to malfunction. Determined to get his hands on Kick-Ass, Chris assumes the identity of The Mother Fucker with the hopes of becoming the world’s first supervillian. With his inheritance and some help from his personal assistant Javier (John Leguizamo), The Mother Fucker assembles his own team of villains including Mother Russia (Olga Kurkulina), Black Death (Daniel Kaluuya), Genghis Carnage (Tom Wu), and The Tumor (Andy Nyman). Forming a stable of villains known as The Toxic Mega-Cunts, The Mother Fucker vows to destroy the city with crime, and kill Kick-Ass.

Unable to convince Mindy to become Hit Girl again and not wanting to fight alone, Dave becomes Kick-Ass again and joins a group of heroes called Justice Forever. Led by Colonel Stars and Stripes (Jim Carrey), Kick-Ass joins the team of Night Bitch (Lindy Booth), Doctor Gravity (Donald Faison), Team Remembering Tommy (two parents, who became crime fighters after their son was abducted), as a team made up of Tommy’s mother (Monica Dolan) and Tommy’s father (Steven Mackintosh), and Battle Guy, who eventually reveals himself as Marty (Clark Duke), one of Dave’s best friends.

The Toxic Mega-Cunts and Justice Forever are headed for an inevitable clash, as the police crack down on anyone wearing a mask. And things take a devastating turn for the worst, when Marty and Dave’s friend, Todd (Augustus Prew) gives away Kick-Ass’s real identity, putting Dave’s father, Mr. Lizewski (Garrett M. Brown) in harm’s way. And Mindy has a change of heart, after the most popular girl in high school and her clique pull a mean prank, forcing Mindy to think twice about being “normal.” Will Mindy become Hit Girl one last time, so she can join Justice Forever in the war against The Toxic-Mega Cunts?

Well, I’ll just get this out of the way now. Whether or not you agree with his decision to not promote Kick-Ass 2, because of the violence in this film, don’t get your hopes up for anything special from Jim Carrey. Colonel Stars and Stripes’ screen time is VERY limited, and you won’t see too much of him. Plus, Carrey’s character takes a backseat to the other sub-plots in Kick-Ass, so in the grand scheme of things, Colonel Stars and Stripes doesn’t have a significant impact on the story. Carrey is funny during his short time on screen, and you can tell he’s genuinely having fun with the character, but again, don’t go into this film expecting great things from Carrey, because you’ll be disappointed.

Moretz is still entertaining as the foul-mouthed and fearless bad ass, but as Mindy, we get to see a more vulnerable side of the character here. We saw glimpses of Mindy’s softer side with her father Big Daddy in the original, especially during his death, and the scenes where they both shared hot chocolate and marshmallows. But in the sequel, we get to see Mindy try and adjust to life in high school, as she tries to fit in. Moretz did a fantastic job of showing some emotion (most notably the scene, where she goes to Dave’s house for comfort after the prank), and showing the confliction of being torn between Hit-Girl and Mindy.

Anyway, Mintz-Plasse is appropriately annoying and loathsome as The Mother Fucker. The Mother Fucker is a spoiled brat, who uses his money to get what he wants, and Plasse is a suitable replacement for Mark Strong as the primary antagonist. The supporting cast isn’t bad. Clark Duke is able to provide a few laughs as the unapologetic comedian of the group. Lindy Booth is just eye candy for the most part, but she deserves some credit for her acting chops during scenes at the hospital with Dave, and The Toxic-Mega Cunts invasion at her home. But Mother Russia is the stand out star from the supporting cast. Having the physical presence of a scary and evil She Hulk helps, and trust me, when it comes to the scene, where she attacks the cops by herself, the trailers just show the tip of the iceberg. It’s way more outrageous and shocking, when you see the whole thing in its entirety. And don’t expect anything from Lyndsy Fonseca. Her appearances are limited to cameo status here.

So Kick-Ass keeps the vulgarity, the blood and violence, and for the most part, they maintained the raunchy edge that made the first film popular. Plus, they add in a “Mean Girls” sub-plot for Mindy’s character, and it’s not a bad idea, because it helped the audience connect to and understand Mindy’s vulnerable side. BUT Kick-Ass 2 isn’t something to brag about. You can say being something different and fresh helped the first film’s success, but Kick-Ass 2 didn’t have that luxury. The blood and the vulgar dialogue should please fans of the first film, but it felt like Kick-Ass 2 was playing it way too safe most of the time. I don’t mean safe as in watered down or restricted. I mean safe as in “let’s try our best to copy the blueprint of the first film without making any major changes” safe.

Remember how Bruce Wayne wanted to retire from being Batman in The Dark Knight Rises? But a good old fashioned beating from Bane and the bomb in Gotham changed his mind? Or more recently how Tony Stark wanted to be done with Iron Man after the trauma following the events of The Avengers? Well Kick-Ass 2 follows in the footsteps of the superhero wanting to retire for good, and leave a life of crime fighting behind them after a traumatic experience blueprint. Dave wants to be done with Kick-Ass after he promised his father he would never wear the costume again. And Mindy is reminded of who her real father was by Marcus, and the need for her to have a real childhood, so Mindy swears to never be Hit-Girl again. Problem with this formula is, we all know how it’s going to end. Somehow, someway, Dave and Mindy were going to become Kick-Ass and Hit-Girl again. And guess what? They did. They broke their promises, so they can help stop the growing threat of The Toxic Mega-Cunts. That’s the problem with this formula. It’s NEVER convincing enough to the point, where you’ll seriously believe said hero will hang it up for good, so when they actually make a comeback, it’s not genuinely surprising or shocking in the slightest.

But Kick-Ass 2 isn’t 100% through the motions and predictable all the time. The death of Chris’s mother and Dave’s father completely caught me off guard, and Hit-Girl using the shot of adrenaline to take out Mother Russia was a nice shock, because throughout the movie, you were lead to believe the stuff inside the syringe was a lethal injection, used to put someone out of their misery before an agonizing death.

And in an unrelated plot twists complaint, did anyone else notice Todd’s betrayal at the end? Todd was upset because Dave and Marty constantly ignored his efforts to become a superhero, so he tried to join The Toxic-Mega Cunts as Ass-Kicker. And guess what, Todd is the one, who revealed Kick-Ass’s identity as Dave to The Mother Fucker. After acquiring this info, The Mother Fucker sends out two of his goons to beat Dave’s father to death. After the big brawl between The Toxic-Mega Cunts and Justice Forever, Todd celebrates with Kick-Ass and the heroes? Eh, Todd is solely responsible for the death of Dave’s father, and they never mention that? On  top of that, he celebrates with the good guys like NOTHING happened, and he doesn’t have to suffer any consequences, when it’s all said and done? I’m sorry, but that’s a HUGE gap in logic that’s hard to ignore.

Still, Kick-Ass isn’t without some highlights. The final brawl was so much fun to watch, with the one on one duel between Mother Russia and Hit-Girl stealing the show. It’s a match up that had to happen, because Hit-Girl and Mother Russia are the top two bad asses and toughest characters in this film, so logic suggests both characters having to square off against each other in a “must-see“ fight to the death. And I can’t forget about Mindy’s rescue of Dave, as she’s fighting the bad guys in the speeding van on the highway. Amazing action sequence. Also, the tie-in of social media really enhanced the realism part of this film. During the beginning, a thug tries to use his cell phone to a record a fight with Kick-Ass, so he can reach “a million” hits on YouTube. And The Mother Fucker uses Twitter to brag about his feats of crime. 

I laughed a lot throughout this movie, but Kick-Ass 2 is a weird one for me. I enjoyed the film, but nothing here left me with a urge to see a part three after I walked out of the theater. It’s a satisfying sequel, and fans of the original should enjoy it, but I wasn’t foaming at the mouth for more Kick-Ass, when the credits started rolling.

Rating: 7/10

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The Impact of Kick-Ass 2's Failure At The Box Office This Weekend

Courtesy of Box Office Mojo, this weekend's box office stats: http://boxofficemojo.com/weekend/chart/?yr=2013&wknd=33&p=.htm

Sad to say, but this doesn't surprise me too much, and I don't want to sound like a bragging Captain Hindsight (nod to you all you South Park fans out there!), but I saw this coming.

The more and more I saw of the trailers and TV spots, the more I was convinced Kick-Ass 2 was going to flop at the box office this weekend. Why? I didn't see anything new. In the red band trailers, I saw all the same violence and vulgarity I saw in the first film. And Hit-Girl and Kick-Ass being conflicted about quitting the life, and wanting to be done with crime fighting for good? Eh, just to toss out a few examples, we've seen similar storylines in The Dark Night Rises, Spider-Man 2, Batman Forever, and more recently Iron Man 3.

Kick-Ass was supposed to be something new and unique. A more hardcore version of Mystery Man with bloody violence, cursing, and edge we haven't seen in too many mainstream superhero films. I know some of you will say "Hey, Mitch! What about Super with Rainn Wilson and Ellen Paige?" Well, yeah we had Super, but Kick-Ass managed to make a bigger splash on a larger landscape.

Anyway, we had the nerdy hero to root for in Dave Lizweski/Kick-Ass, and his ass kicking, foul mouthed partner, Hit-Girl. Moretz and Johnson still bring their A-Games in the sequel (review will have to come tomorrow or the day after guys, my tank is on E right now), and Mintz-Plasse is entertaining as The Mother Fucker, but Kick-Ass 2 was more of the same old, same old from the first film, with a little Mean Girls sub-plot thrown in, as Mindy tries to figure out, who she is. And as I alluded to before, they reintroduced the storyline of the heroes contemplating retirement, something we've seen too many times before, and we all know how that ends.   

There was so much buzz surrounding  the first Kick-Ass film, and while I enjoyed the sequel, I didn't leave the theater hoping for a part three. It's a shame, because with this awful opening weekend (and things aren't going to get any better next week), there's a good chance this could be the end of Kick-Ass before we see a reboot or remake in the future. Or even worse, they'll try and pull off a straight-to-video sequel.

Think of all the potential Kick-Ass had to be something different. No supernatural powers, no rich billionaire primary protagonists, and no fancy high tech gadgets or machines. And on top of all that, Kick-Ass was a fun parody of the superhero genre, and neither film takes itself too seriously. Now? The end of Kick-Ass is almost a sure thing, because I can't imagine another sequel after such a disappointing opening. And that means we'll probably get more of the same ordinary and cliched superhero films with flashy, loud special effects and stylish fight scenes, as Hollywood continues to reboot, remake, spin-off, and add sequels to the likes of Spider-Man, Batman, and other giants in the genre for years to come. Sorry, but it's going to be hard to top the likes of Nolan's Batman trilogy, Bryan Singer's X2, and Sam Raimi's Spider-Man and Spider-Man 2.    




   

Message To Paranormal Activity: Step Your Game Up

Stats courtesy of Box Office Mojo.com

So this year we've seen four major mainstream horror films have success by grabbing the number one spots on their respective opening weekends:

Texas Chainsaw 3D- http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=texaschainsaw3d.htm
Mama- http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=mama.htm
The Conjuring- http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=conjuring.htm
Evil Dead (2013)- http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=evildead2013.htm

Out of those four, The Conjuring has received the most positive overall feedback and critical acclaim. Evil Dead was gory fun, and gave fans of the franchise new hope for the future, and the same thing can be said about Texas Chainsaw 3D.

AND it's not over yet this year. Remember, we still have Insidious Chapter 2 coming next month. The anticipation is already building, and if James Wan can knock it out the park with TWO hits this year, then that's just amazing. Plus, there's a good amount of hype surrounding You're Next, which opens this week. Also, I'm not crazy about the trailers, but the second Carrie remake could make a splash this year.

What does all this have to do with Paranormal Activity you ask? As the Saw franchise was winding down, Paranormal Activity slowly emerged as the most popular modern day horror franchise. Personally, I've made no secret in labeling the entire franchise as a whole overrated as overrated can be, but I'm a stats guy, and numbers don't lie.

Stats for PA and PA 2:

http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=paranormalactivity.htm

http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=paranormalactivity2.htm

BUT Paranormal Activity 4 saw a drop off in the opening weekend profits, and the film received loads and loads of negative feedback from critics and fans alike.

Stats for the drop off in profits and differences for the box office hauls for PA 3 and PA 4:

http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=paranormalactivity3.htm

http://boxofficemojo.com/movies/?id=paranormalactivity4.htm

Now you have to ask yourself, how much time does the Paranormal franchise have left? They're prepping a spin-off film that's linked to the creepy post credits scene we all saw at the end of four, and PA 5 is due out next October.

Although, it's safe to say the Paranormal franchise has lost a lot of its luster. Plus, sticking to the same lazy formula doesn't help anything. You guys know what I'm talking about: 30-40 minutes of boring security camera footage, where nothing happen, sporadic attacks from Toby the invisible demon, and a suspense filled ending that might last fifteen or twenty minutes, with a cliffhanger at the end. Sorry, but I don't need to know what's going on in your empty pool or kitchen at three o'clock in the morning. It's a tried, tired formula, and switching things up for the next film wouldn't hurt.

See the thing is, the Paranormal franchise can't be lazy anymore. There's competition on the horizon now. The Conjuring is going to have a sequel, and who knows, we might see another sequel for Insidious. Think about this, 2013 was a big year for mainstream horror, and Paranormal Activity wasn't apart of that. As a die hard movie buff and horror fan, I never wish for any franchise to die or go out of business. But PA 5 or the spin-off film need to deliver a significant shake up to remind their fanbase, Paranormal is still a force to deal with, or they might not make it to a seventh film like Saw did.  

First Twitter, now Facebook!

That's right. I'm also on Facebook now, and you can check me out right here!

https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100006571413088

I'll try to keep most of my wrestling talk on there, so I don't clutter this blog with it. And I might drop some suggestions, opinions, or thoughts about sports, life, and junk food every now and then. lol.

MMR

Fruitvale Station (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

After a stint in prison, Oscar Grant (Michael B. Jordan) returns home to the Bay Area to start over with his girlfriend, Sophina (Melonie Diaz) and his young daughter, Tatiana (Ariana Neal). Oscar slowly breaks away from his life as a drug dealer, and with help from his family and friends, Oscar prepares to celebrate his mother’s birthday.

But after the party, Wanda (Octavia Spencer) encourages her son to use the train to fight the crowds for a New Year’s celebration. 2009 is minutes away, as Oscar, Sophina, and their friends celebrate on the train, but Oscar runs into an old enemy from jail. After a scuffle, Oscar and his friends are aggressively detained and questioned by a group of police officers, and the situation takes a tragic turn for the worst, when one of the officers draws his gun.

To be honest, I really didn’t think that much of Michael B. Jordan, when I saw him in Chronicle. He gave the second best performance in that film (Dane DeHaan’s Andrew is easily number one), but I can honestly say I didn’t see anything special in him. Fast forward to Fruitvale Station, and Jordan delivers a strong performance in the leading role. Oscar is a troubled man with a bad temper, who makes some questionable choices in life, but Jordan is able to reel you in, and convince the audience to feel sympathy for Oscar. Despite all his flaws, Oscar is a loving father, family man, and son. Jordan is conflicted, as he struggles to control his rage fits, while balancing his softer side for the people he loves, and when the ending comes, you’ll be sitting there and wondering “what could’ve been?” if this man had more time to turn his life around, and figure things out.

I’m still amazed at how far Octavia Spencer has come. Back in 2009, she was killed off in the opening minutes of Halloween 2, as one of the nurses at the hospital. But a handful of years after that, she went on to win the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for her work in The Help. One of Spencer’s best scenes here is during a flashback of a jail visit to Oscar. Wanda is beyond frustrated and disappointed in Oscar, Oscar begs for a hug, and Wanda walks away, as the prison guards try and restrain a furious Oscar. The look of disappointment and shame on Spencer’s face, as Wanda walks away with her back turned to Oscar is the backbone of that scene. And I usually enjoy Melonie Diaz more in comedy roles (i.e. Be Kind Rewind), but she’s a good fit for the role of Oscar’s supportive and stern girlfriend.

If you’ve seen the trailers, TV spots, or know about the real life story that inspired this film, you should know what’s going to happen at the end. But the scene at the train station still packs a powerful, emotional punch regardless. By this point, you’ve built a connection with Oscar, and despite all his flaws, you can’t help but think about the “what ifs,” if Oscar made the decision to stay away from the train. Plus, Ryan Coogler (the director and he wrote the screenplay) does a phenomenal job of setting up the sequence of events leading up to the finale. There’s a calm sense of joy, as Oscar, Sophina, and friends celebrate on the train, and then everything goes downhill at a neck breaking hectic pace, setting the stage for a tense finale.

With help from a strong cast, and Ryan Coogler’s work behind the camera, Fruitvale Station is one of the better films in 2013. I’m sure everyone’s seen the TV spot with quotes of praise from LeBron James, Denzel Washington, Jaime Foxx, and Spike Lee. Plus, there’s the 94% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Fruitvale Station will be a nice boost for Jordan’s career, but I wouldn’t expect any Oscar nods for this one. The July release date is going to hurt any chances of that, and by the time November, December, and January roll around, Fruitvale will be lost in the shuffle amongst the Hollywood heavyweights during Oscar season.

Rating: 8/10

Mitch's Franchise Rankings

So I'm not done yet, but for a while, I've been piecing together my rankings for franchises/film series. Each ranking is from highest to lowest, and yes, in due time, I plan on writing a review for each film. I'll update my rankings, as I add more films (remakes, sequels, etc.) and when I make little adjustments, so this list is far from done. Enjoy!

The Terminator

1.Terminator 2: Judgment Day
2. The Terminator
3. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
4. Terminator Salvation

My Thoughts: I might take some heat for it, but Judgment Day classifies as one of those rare films that surpasses the original in terms of quality. Salvation isn't at the bottom, because it's a terrible film. Christian Bale holds up his end of the bargain, but I can't say the same thing about Sam Worthington.

Aliens & AVP Films:

1. Aliens
2. Alien
3. Alien 3
4. Alien VS Predator
5. Aliens VS Predator Requiem

My Thoughts: Yes, I'm putting the sequel on top, but it's a close #1 pick, though. I've always enjoyed the bigger and bolder approach to sequels, and Cameron nailed it.

Back To The Future

1. Back To The Future Part II
2. Back To The Future
3. Back To The Future Part III

My Thoughts: I know it's an unpopular opinion, but I've always ranked Part II higher the original. I just love everything about the sequel. Biff as the heartless, womanizing jerk in the alternate 1985, the cliffhanger at the end, and the constant twists and turns. Part II is more screwy than the first film. There's no doubt about it. But the story is more compelling, and it's a fun comedy. In Part III, watching Marty take a trip to the 1800's is a bittersweet moment for me, because everything goes downhill after that. I can't get into the old west stuff, and then there's the ending. Why Emmet? Why?

Star Wars

1. The Empire Strikes Back
2. A New Hope
3. Return Of The Jedi
4. Revenge Of The Sith
5. The Phantom Menace
6. Attack Of The Clones

My Thoughts: Yoda VS Dooku/Darth Tyranus is one of the worst final battles I've ever seen in any type of film. And Hayden Christensen is atrocious.

Saw

1. Saw III
2. Saw II
3. Saw
4. Saw VII/3D
5. Saw VI
6. Saw IV
7. Saw V

My Thoughts: Everything takes a dive after Saw III, and for me, Saw III signifies the end of the glory days for the Saw franchise. I hated Saw 7/3D, when I first watched it in theaters. Jill's exit still bothers me, but #7 is starting to grow on me. Saw V is just horrendous. Boring, laborious, and the soul crushing realization of Hoffman as the new Jigsaw is just too much to handle.


Halloween (including remakes)

1. Halloween (1978)
2. Halloween 2 (1981)
3. Halloween (2007-theatrical & uncut version)
4. Halloween H20: 20 Years Later
5. Halloween 4: The Return Of Michael Myers
6. Halloween 5: The Revenge Of Michael Myers
7. Halloween 3: Season Of The Witch
8. Halloween 6/The Curse Of Michael Myers
9. Halloween 2 (2009 theatrical & unrated version)
10. Halloween Resurrection

My Thoughts: The original is a no-brainer as the #1 choice, and I've never understood the lukewarm reception for the original sequel. I still adore Rob Zombie's 2007 remake, but the uncut version features a very unnecessary and pointless rape scene.

H2 2009 was a fucking mess from beginning to end. It felt like Zombie was trying to cram three movies in one, and Michael's visions of his dead mother with a white horse just added to the massive clusterfuck. Malcolm McDowell's Loomis becomes an annoying pompous jerk here, and his inexplicable face turn at the end couldn't save his character. And the ending in the uncut version is somehow worse than the ending in the theatrical version.

Resurrection is a terrible, terrible film, and they killed off Laurie, the primary protagonist at the beginning. The satanic cult garbage and Dr. Wynn in #6 is unbearable. And there wasn't any room for Jamie in the new story, so I guess they had to kill off her character before Michael stalked his new victims.

A Nightmare On Elm Street

1. A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
2. A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors
3. Wes Craven's New Nightmare
4. A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child
5. Freddy VS Jason
6. A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master
7. A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge
8. Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare
9. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

My Thoughts: The original is a one of a kind film, and a true classic. Freddy's Revenge was a shitty film, but to be fair, #2 had to overcome the challenge of topping, or matching the quality of the original, not an easy task. I've only seen Freddy's Dead a handful of times, and I just can't get into it. If I had the opportunity to see it in 3D during its theatrical run, I might change my mind, but I doubt it. Plus, I can't get that ridiculous image of Freddy imitating/mocking The Wicked Witch Of The West from The Wizard Of Oz.

Freddy VS Jason isn't monumental or ground breaking, but it's a nice treat for fans of both film series. The final action-esque style battle between Freddy and Jason at the end is good fun, and the gruesome deaths in this film are unreal. I'm just annoyed Jason Goes To Hell was chosen as the set-up film for this. Yeah, I know, Jason Goes To Hell was trying to be one of those intentionally "awfully good films, that are fun to mock," but it's still an unbearable abomination for me.


Jurassic Park

1. Jurassic Park
2. Jurassic Park: The Lost World
3. Jurassic Park III

My Thoughts: I've never been a big fan of The Lost World, but Part 3 features one of the worst endings I've seen any type of film.


American Pie

1. American Pie
2. American Reunion
3. American Wedding
4. American Pie 2

My Thoughts: I actually enjoyed American Reunion, because it was a nice nostalgia kick for fans of the franchise, and Stiffler finally got his revenge on Finch. I won't bother listing the shitty straight-to-video sequels. They're abominations. The STV sequels tried cover up shitty acting, directing, and stories with obscene amounts of nudity, and each film deserves the lowest rating on any scale.

Die Hard

1. Die Hard With A Vengeance
2. Die Hard
3. Live Free Or Die Hard
4. Die Hard 2
5. A Good Day To Die Hard

My Thoughts: It's not as bad as the critics are making it out to be, but A Good Day To Die Hard isn't something to brag about either. It's the weakest film in the entire franchise, and it's not even close.

Die Hard is known for having some memorable villains, but the antagonists in this film are beyond dull. One of the Russian bad guys does a dance, while eating a carrot, and kicking away Jack and John's guns. Yeah.

A Good Day To Die Hard is loaded with flashy and over the top explosions, car chases, and action sequences. Die Hard 5 wanted to be the quintessential Hollywood action movie, but the end result was an underwhelming popcorn flick.

Most of the good action sequences are shown in the trailers, and overall, Die Hard 5 is pretty dull. You'll only see Mary Elizabeth Winstead at the very beginning and the very end. But Jack was the focal point of this film, so her limited screen time makes sense. And speaking of Jack, Jai Courtney wouldn't be a good choice to inherit the franchise, as the next McClane. Oh, and Willis tacks on a "yippee ki-yay motherfucker" at the end for the sake of nostalgia. But it was so random and forced, and hearing John's signature catchphrase again didn't do anything for me.


Friday The 13th

1. Friday The 13th Part VI: Jason Lives
2. Friday The 13th (1980)
3. Friday The 13th: The Final Chapter
4. Friday The 13th Part 2
5. Friday The 13th (2009)
6. Freddy VS Jason
7. Friday The 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan
8. Friday The 13th Part III
9. Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood
10. Friday The 13th: A New Beginning
11. Jason X
12. Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday


My Thoughts: Jason Lives is the total package. Bloody gore, nasty violence, a good script, and a rock solid cast. Jennifer Cooke is just fantastic as Megan, and Jason Lives IS one of those films that surpasses the original in terms of quality. But on the flip-side, I wouldn't have any real complaints for Final Chapter taking the number one spot. Plus Jason Lives deserves more credit than Scream, when it comes to breaking the fourth wall. Sorry, but Kevin Williamson (the writer) wasn't the first one to go the "insider info" route.The original Scream receives so much praise, because they mock all the stupid character mistakes and clichés in horror films with some winks to the audience every now and then, using the movie within a movie approach. But Jason Lives got a head start for this type of approach way back in 1986.


As far as Jason X and Jason Goes To Hell, I'm sorry, but I've tried over and OVER again, but I can not get into either film. Like an idiot, I asked for Jason X on DVD for a Christmas present in my mid-teens without watching it first. What a colossal mistake on my part. "Hey! This notorious serial killer is frozen in ice with a machete! Should we unfreeze him?" Ugh. Why would you even think about doing something like that? The special effects are atrocious, and you won't see Super-Terminator Jason until the very end. The 3D bullshit in Friday the 13th Part III is just annoying. Seriously, try to watch this film in regular 2D without laughing, it's almost impossible. The solo 3D DVD versions (and I'm guessing the 3D Blu-Ray versions also) include a few pairs of 3D glasses, so you can relive the experience in 3D, if you didn't see it in theaters years ago. It's not worth it, and I threw away any pairs of 3D glasses years ago.

Jason Goes To Hell is just unbearable for me. Awful, AWFUL dialogue, a shitty story, and too many stupid characters. Plus, Creighton Duke is probably one of the worst characters I've seen in any type of film. I can't remember if it was Roger Ebert or Richard Roper, but one of them dubbed Sharon Stone’s Catherine Tramell as one of the worst characters in the history of cinema. Duke should be a close second for that honor.

I can understand Friday The 13th fans enjoying Jason X and Jason Goes To Hell as mindless fun horror films. In fact, most Friday The 13th fans, who enjoy X and JGTH embrace both movies as fun garbage, especially JGTH. Still, I can't enjoy them. Freddy reaching up to grab Jason's mask at the end of JGTH sets up a cool crossover film, but at the same time, it's a bittersweet ending for me, because fast forwarding to the end is the only way to skip through all the bad parts.

Underworld

1. Underworld: Awakening
2. Underworld: Evolution
3. Underworld: Rise Of The Lycans
4. Underworld

My Thoughts: Awakening is the most thrilling and action packed film in the franchise. It's an easy pick for me, because the Underworld films are just stylish popcorn flicks, and Awakening is the shining example of how to do it right. And Eve (Selene and Michael's daughter) was one of the more interesting new characters. I don't care for the original. It bores me to tears, and I STRUGGLE to get through it every time, especially the extended version. Also, Shane Brolly's Kraven is the most uninteresting antagonist in the entire series.

Rocky

1. Rocky III
2. Rocky (1976)
3. Rocky IV
4. Rocky II
5. Rocky V
6. Rocky Balboa

My Thoughts:  First of all, Rocky III features my favorite training montage in the Rocky franchise, Adrian's speech is my overall favorite moment, and Mr. T calling out Rocky is my second favorite moment. Rocky was humbled in Rocky III. He developed a pompous ego, but the ass whipping from Clubber Lang gave him the necessary wake up call. Mickey's death is one of the more important moments in this franchise, and Hogan VS Rocky is always good for a few laughs. Clubber was Rocky's first real insurmountable challenge, and Rocky shows some real vulnerability after admitting his fears of fighting Lang to Adrian. Mr. T was the perfect fit for Clubber, and Part III features my favorite fight. I never get tired of seeing Rock dare Mr. T for more punishment at the end, and Carl Weathers cheerleader act is just hilarious.

And being a terrible film isn't the reason for Rocky Balboa's dead last spot. I really enjoyed it, but I can't rank it over the originals.


Paranormal Activity

1. Paranormal Activity 2
2. Paranormal Activity 3
3. Paranormal Activity
4. Paranormal Activity 4

My Thoughts: The original is God awful, and I still can't understand the praises for the "one that started it all", but Part 4 sinks to new lows for the PA franchise. Part 2 is the only PA film I can watch more than once, so it'll receive my #1 pick. But it's not a #1 pick for being a high quality film. No, if anything, it's a default choice for me. The PA franchise is running out of steam, and hopefully Paranormal Activity 5 will wrap everything up. But I doubt it, because they still have A LOT of plot holes to fill.

Scream

1. Scream
2. Scream 4
3. Scream 2
4. Scream 3

My Thoughts:  The original is a right choice for the top spot, but I was tempted to put Scream 4 at #1. Scream 4 was the perfect resurrection film for the Scream franchise, and Scream 4 was a TREMENDOUS upgrade over Scream 3. The "movie within a movie" stuff really felt tired and worn out in Part 3, and I HATED the ending. Part 2 wasn't bad, and Scream 2 probably features the best opening in the entire franchise. Although, it's kind of bittersweet for me, because you have to wonder how things would've played out if Jada Pinkett's character survived.

I want a Scream 5, but I don't think it's going to happen. Too many delays, mix ups, and Craven probably won't return as director. And I remember the plans to develop a Scream TV series, but David Arquette refused to participate. Plus, Kevin Williamson has backed away from Scream 5, and a Scream film isn't the same without him writing the screenplay (if you need anymore proof, just watch Scream 3).

X-Men

1. X-Men X2: X-Men United
2. X-Men: First Class
3. X-Men
4. X-men X3: The Last Stand
5. The Wolverine
6. X-Men Origins: Wolverine

My Thoughts:  X2 is just phenomenal from start to finish. X3 tried too hard to cram too many sub-plots into one film. I don't follow the comics, but X3 just felt like a massive clusterfuck. Origins was dogshit, and it failed on every level imaginable.

Spider-Man

1. Spider-Man 2
2. Spider-man
3. The Amazing Spider-Man
4. Spider-Man 3

My Thoughts:  I know I'm probably in the minority, but I enjoyed Andrew Garfield's Spider-Man/Peter Parker more than Tobey Maguire's portrayals. I still hate Spider-Man 3. An overload of sub-plots and super villains was bad enough, and again, I'm not a comic book expert by any means, but Topher Grace's whiny weasel act as Eddie Brock annoys the shit out of me. From what I remember in The Amazing Spider-Man cartoons as a kid, Eddie Brock was a mean asshole.

The Matrix

1. The Matrix
2. The Matrix: Reloaded
3. The Matrix: Revolutions

My Thoughts: I'm tempted to put Reloaded at the top, but that's not the right choice. The Matrix was a groundbreaking film, but Revolutions was the biggest disappointing finale I've seen for any major franchise, especially when you consider the financial success and critical acclaim for the first film. I still roll my eyes at the tired and overused "final showdown" between Neo and Smith, and Revolutions is the worst example of a "let's just make as much money as we possibly can" sequel.

Fast & The Furious

1. Fast Six
2. Fast Five
3. The Fast & The Furious
4. Fast & Furious
5. The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift
6. 2 Fast 2 Furious

My Thoughts:

Usually, I enjoy brainless action blockbusters, who proudly embrace their status as a popcorn flick. But Michael Bay takes everything too far 99% of the time. Fast Five is over the top and thrilling, featuring some of the best stunts in the franchise. And The Rock was the ideal adversary for Vin Diesel's Dominic.


Strange. I don't know why, but I expected more from Gina Carano. Michelle Rodriguez's return was everything I was hoping for and more, and she had a few kick ass fight scenes with Carano. But what a shocker during the credits. Revealing Jason Statham as the next villain AND the guy, who took out Hans? Amazing cliffhanger. Oh, and I didn't care about Gisele's death. Sorry, but the character never did anything for me.

Tokyo Drift ran its one gimmick during the races into the ground too early, and Lucas Black is terrible in the leading role (also, Bow Wow is annoying as shit). A while ago, I think I did a best chases thread, and 2 Fast 2 Furious was one of my picks. But I only enjoy that one chase scene, the rest of the movie is garbage.


Night Of The Demons

1. Night Of The Demons (1988)
2. Night Of The Demons (2009)
3. Night Of The Demons 2
4. Night Of The Demons 3

My Thoughts: I love grotesque and campy 80's horror comedies, so the 1988 original is an easy pick for me. Great soundtrack, fantastic cast, and I refuse to trash any film with Linnea Quigley. The third film is really bad, though.

Sleepaway Camp

1. Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland
2. Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers
3. Sleepaway Camp
4. Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor
5. Return to Sleepaway Camp

My Thoughts: Teenage Wasteland features the most creative and brutal deaths in the entire series, and Pamela Springsteen delivers her best performance as Angela here. I have the same feelings for Unhappy Campers, but I give the edge to Teenage Wasteland for the better ending.

The Survivor looks like a choppy mess, but it was shutdown during production in the early 90's, restarted in 2012, and completed in the same year. So I guess you have to give it a pass for bizarre circumstances. Still, it's an awful film. Return To Sleepaway Camp is just dogshit. It's a dull and uninspired straight-to-video slasher flick with a terrible cast, and lame story. Also, I'm not 100%, but Return To Sleepaway Camp could've been the last film to feature Isaac Hayes. I'm not 100% sure, because I know Soul Men received a release during this time.

But don't waste your time with Return or Survivor. Once you get past Teenage Wasteland, just stop. Survivor is an eyesore, and Return is a real chore to sit through.

Child's Play

1. Child's Play
2. Child's Play 2
3. Child's Play 3
4. Bride Of Chucky
5. Seed Of Chucky


My Thoughts: Ranking the Chucky series is an easy open and shut case, unfortunately. The series just gets worse after each film.

I wish I could tie Bride Of Chucky and Seed Of Chucky together for the bottom spots, because both are equally horrendous. Ever wondered what it would be like if Jason or Michael Myers had a female counterpart? Well, Bride and Seed had a chance to give horror fans something different, but they fucked it up, badly. Seed actually has a scene, where they show Chucky masturbating in some sort of creepy silhouette POV.

Brad Dourif's is mainly known for being the voice of Chucky, and his voice is eerily familiar to Danny De Vito's voice in each film. Dourif is a good, slimy bad guy. Not only as Chucky, but also as a normal man. Remember, he played Wormtongue in The Two Towers (I also think he's in the extended version of Return Of The King), the Deputy in Mississippi Burning, and more recently, Dourif was a shady holy water salesman in Priest. Also, I think he had a part in Alien Resurrection as a mad doctor type of character. Although, he was a good guy, as the Sheriff in Rob Zombie's Halloween remakes. Anyway, Dourif's been around for a while, and I haven't seen all of his films, but he's a reliable and entertaining villain.

Curse Of Chucky, the straight-to-video sequel, is supposed to have a release this Halloween, and of course, I'll give it a try. Nothing can possibly be worse than Seed or Bride.

Evil Dead

1. Evil Dead 2
2. Evil Dead
3. Evil Dead (2013)
4. Army Of Darkness

My Thoughts: I know, I know. Some will take it as blasphemy to rank the new film over Army Of Darkness, but Evil Dead 2013 is just that damn good. It's an extreme bloodbath of carnage and vicious violence, and the runtime just flies by. Fede Alvarez produced an outstanding debut film behind the camera, and I'm still buzzing over Jane Levy's awesomeness.

Evil Dead 2 gets my pick for the number one spot, and I still enjoy it more than original. More laughs, more intense brutal, gory mayhem, and Evil Dead 2 starts out with a bang, and never lets up. Evil Dead will always be a classic, but it takes a while for the movie to kick into high gear. Evil Dead 2 is an adrenaline rush from start to finish, but Bobby Joe is kind of annoying.



Beverly Hills Cop

1. Beverly Hills Cop II
2. Beverly Hills Cop
3. Beverly Hills Cop III

My Thoughts: Part 3 is absolutely hideous in every way imaginable. The worst story of the franchise, terrible, TERRIBLE jokes, and it's a PG-13 film masquerading as a lame R-rated "action" comedy. An easy 0/10 for me. And to make things worse, they turned Rosewood into a wimp.....again. He finally breaks out of his shell in Part 2, and for some inexcusable reason, they turn him into a whiny coward again?

Rush Hour

1. Rush Hour
2. Rush Hour 2
3. Rush Hour 3

My Thoughts:  Rush Hour 3 was a disgrace. A very lazy, money-grubbing sequel, and the odd couple routine between Chan and Tucker lost all of its luster here. It was a tired act, and Part 3 proved this in the worst way. A shame how Chris Tucker settled to make so many Rush Hour films over the years, because he made ridiculous amounts of money for each one. So much talent, and I know a lot of people will point to his current role in Silver Linings Playbook as the "he CAN do something besides James Carter" example, but I always take a look back at his role as a "Skip" in Dead Presidents. Just an amazing performance, but unfortunately, it's one of Tucker's forgotten roles.

Silent Night, Deadly Night (including the remake)

1. Silent Night, Deadly Night
2. Silent Night (2012)
3. Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation
4. Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker
5. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2
6. Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!

My Thoughts: Tough call for the top spot, because the remake is a solid Christmas horror flick. But I give the slight edge to the original. Eric Freeman's nutty lunatic act is the only reason why I put Part 2 above Better Watch Out! Both films are shit, but Better Watch Out! is just too pretentious for my taste, and the shitty cast (minus Samantha Scully) really drags the entire movie down. But you could switch the order of the last two, and I wouldn't make a big fuss about it either way.

The Hangover

1. The Hangover Part III
2. The Hangover
3. The Hangover Part II

My Thoughts: To my own surprise, I really enjoyed Part III. FINALLY they got away from the go through the motions "we've been drugged, wake up into a strange situation, and have to retrace our steps to find missing person “X" storylines used in the first two films. The original is harmless, but still HIGHLY overrated in my book, and the second film was god awful, one of the laziest sequels I've ever seen.

Part III on the other hand, caught me off guard. I actually enjoyed the more serious approach of Alan becoming a man. Alan is forced to become a man after his father dies, and cut ties with Chow as a friend. Also, John Goodman was just fantastic. Killing off Mike Epps was probably his funniest scene, and the movie NEEDED more of him. Chow was still annoying as shit, though.


Pirates Of The Caribbean:

1. The Curse of the Black Pearl
2. On Stranger Tides
3. Dead Man's Chest
4. At World's End

My Thoughts: I can't remember why I bought at At World's End on DVD. Maybe it was on sale, or maybe I just wanted to feed my urge of completing my collection for every film franchise I care about. But yeah, At World's End is easily the shittiest film in the series. Awful, awful convoluted mess of a story, and the run time is beyond exhausting. Also, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom should win some kind of award for the worst couple/love story in any fiction film.

Predator & AVP Films:

1. Predator (1987)
2. Predators (2010)
3. Predator 2
4. Alien VS Predator
5. Aliens VS Predator: Requiem

My Thoughts: Again, the original easily takes the top spot, but Predators was a breath of fresh air after Predator 2 and Requiem. Predators does a great job of paying homage to the original, and this film gives Predator fans hope for the future.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)
2. TMNT (2007)
3. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)
4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III: Turtles in Time (1993)

I really enjoy TMNT to the point, where I'm tempted to put it over the original. The execution for the sub-plot featuring the internal rivalry between Leo and Raphael was spot on, and it's hard to pick a side, because they both have logical standpoints to argue from (Ralph being mad at Leo for leaving and having to pick up his slack, and Leo lecturing Ralph for being selfish and stubborn with the Nightwatcher persona).

Part three is still unbearable trash. It had to be the first time I watched it in quite some time, and I still hated it. A tired and generic time travel storyline, the humor is too corny to the point where the jokes aren't funny, and it felt like they were running out of reasons to justify the Turtles existence on the big screen. One sequel too many was the case here, and it's no surprise they had to wait until 2007 to go with another full length feature film.

Carrie

1. Carrie (1976)
2. Carrie (2013)
3. Carrie (2002)
4. The Rage Carrie 2 (1999)

Carrie 2013 isn't another abominable horror remake (i.e. A Nightmare On Elm Street 2010, and Rob Zombie's Halloween 2 2009), but it's a forgettable and mediocre experience at best. Rough year for Moretz with Kick-Ass 2 and Carrie flopping and receiving negative reviews.

My rankings between the 2002 made for TV remake and the '99 sequel is more of a default choice than anything.

The made for TV remake suffers from your usual set of problems: mediocre overall cast, poor production values, shitty directing, and pedestrian writing (especially the dialogue). And they completely ruined the Miss Desjardin character by turning her into this sneering bitch with a personal vendetta against Chris Hargensen.

The few bright spots come from Angela Bettis as Carrie. Not as good as Sissy Spacek by a long shot, but she deserves credit for an admirable effort, and well, she easily delivers the best performance in the cast. Plus, there's a stronger effort to stay true to the book in Carrie 2002. A prime example is showing a flashback from Carrie's childhood and the abuse from her mother. A shame, because with a better overall cast, director, production values, and screenplay, Carrie 2002 could've been much, MUCH better.

The Rage, a mainstream release, is somehow worse than a TV movie. That's enough to justify a bottom spot for me. Amy Irving returning as Sue is the only positive I can think of. Rachel Lang (long story short, she's Carrie's half-sister, because Carrie's father spent some time with Rachel's mother, Barbara) is a boring protagonist. Basically, she's a modern day Carrie White as an outcast goth chick, with an abusive stepfather. And Babara Lang is just a carbon copy of Margaret White (crazy and abusive religious mother).

Rage randomly forces footage from the '76 original as flashbacks with this schizophrenic and choppy style of editing. Rage feels like a remake 100%, not a sequel, because Rachel's stand alone story overwhelms anything involving Carrie's past and Carrie's parents. It's a weak film in every way imaginable, and now I can understand why they sell Rage with the other Carrie films in a three pack, because anyone with a shred of common sense or a respectable taste in film wouldn't pay more than $0.99 for Rage.

More proof I have too much free time on my hands......

Resident Evil

1. Resident Evil: Extinction (2007)
2. Resident Evil (2002)
3. Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004)
4. Resident Evil: Afterlife (2010)
5. Resident Evil: Retribution (2012)

After re-watching all the RE films, I can't understand how Paul W. S. Anderson is still able to find work in Hollywood. Awful director.

The RE franchise is a heap of mediocrity. Extinction (and what a surprise, Anderson wasn't the director for Extinction) and the original aren't great, good, or solid films. They're not as awful as the others, so it's more a default thing again. The clincher for Extinction being in the top spot is the cliffhanger at the end. For me, it's a “WOW I can’t wait to see part 4!” cliffhanger. Not like the “Oh shit, they’re going to make another Resident Evil film. Let it end already!” cliffhangers at the end of Afterlife and Retribution. Thought about putting Afterlife at the bottom, but Sienna Guillory's Jill Valentine in Retribution is appallingly bad.

The September release dates are the only reason why Resident Evil continues to survive as a franchise, and I'm pretty sure the sixth film will be terrible also. But as long they stick to another one of the dead zones in the mainstream world for release dates, Resident Evil films will continue to turn a profit.

30 Days Of Night: Dark Days (2010)

**This review contains spoilers**

Ten months after the events of 30 Days Of Night, Stella Oleson (Kiele Sanchez) is trying to move on after the death of her husband, Eben. As one of the few survivors of the vampire massacre at Barrow, Stella dedicates her life to convincing everyone, who’ll listen in the real existence of vampires by traveling the country and the world, promoting her tell-all book about the attack.

But along the way, Stella is met with resistance from a human servant of the vampires named Agent Norris (Troy Ruptash). After exposing and burning three vampires to death, who hid in the crowd of her latest book reading with UV lights, Stella is recruited by a small group of vampire hunters. Motivated by their own tragic run-ins with vampires, Paul (Rhys Coiro), Todd (Harold Perrineau), and Amber (Diora Baird) do their best to convince Stella to join the fight, but she refuses at first. Although, Stella changes her mind after meeting, Dane (Ben Cotton), the leader of the vampire hunters, who happens to be a vampire himself, and a pep talk with Paul. And unbeknownst to Stella, Dane recruited her through a series of letters discussing vampires and the incident in Barrow.

Stella agrees to join Dane, Paul, Todd, and Amber, as they search for Lilith (Mia Kirshner), the vampire queen, who controls and orchestrates her own pack of vampires. But the vampire hunters will have to fight off a turned Agent Norris, and find a way to foil Lilith’s plans of returning to Alaska with another freighter ship full of vampires for a thirty day feast.

Melissa George wasn’t bad as Stella in the original, but at the same time, she didn’t set a high bar for the character with her performance, so I don’t have a big problem with Sanchez as a replacement. Sanchez is a decent enough leading lady, but her character strays into unlikable territory in certain parts of the film. Mia Kirshner would get my pick for best performance, but her character doesn’t receive enough screen time. Lilith speaks a little English (“show me” and “Stella”), but the vast majority of her dialogue is the ancient vampire language we heard Marlow speak in the first film. Kirshner does a good job of blending together sexiness and the commanding presence of a leader, and she never leans too far one way or the other. Rest of the cast is average or mediocre at best, so there’s no need to mention them one by one.

Lazy writing and cookie-cutter, generic characters are a problem for Dark Days, but the sequel deserves some credit for a handful of noticeable changes. First, you can really see how traumatized Stella is after Barrow, as she travels all over with the mission to spread vampire awareness. And Stella isn’t some scared survivor in Dark Days. She’s a fearless ass-kicker, who’s more than willing to get her hands dirty, and do the nasty stuff.  Plus, the protagonists aren’t a bunch of scared survivors, trapped in a dark town with no sunlight for thirty days this time around. They’re vampire hunters driven by revenge, who are willing to do and risk everything to stop Lilith and her clan.

Unfortunately, Dark Days really suffers from a cast of some the most generic characters you’ll ever see. Stella is the angry and frustrated outsider, who’s hesitant to trust other people, but as the film progresses, she assumes the role of leader after earning respect. Before Stella takes over, Paul is the soft-spoken lieutenant, who tries to be the peacemaker. Todd is the Yes Man, who just goes along with everything, and Dane is your typical quiet but firm leader, who lets his actions speak louder than words.

And  Diora Baird’s Amber is pretty annoying. Baird’s performance isn’t to blame, but the direction of her character takes so many wild and confusing turns. Amber is supposed to be the tough and uncooperative rebel in the group, but every time the group faces some real danger, Amber turns into this panicky wimp? As the group infiltrates Lilith’s ship at the end for the final showdown, Amber completely freaks out, and she begs Stella and Paul to run away with her? It didn’t make any sense.

I ranted about the stupidity of the ending in the original, and the ending in Dark Days is just as bad. So after the big final battle with Lilith and her crew, Stella returns to Barrow to dig up Eben’s grave. After witnessing a resurrection ritual on Lilith’s ship involving a good amount of fresh blood, Stella decides to try the same thing on Eben‘s dead body. Stella slits her wrists and arms to pour out as much blood as she can before passing out from blood loss, and she squeezes her blood over Eben’s burned corpse. Of course, Eben comes back to life, and guess what happens as the screen fades to black to end the movie? Eben bites Stella in the neck. Eh, I can understand Stella wanting to see Eben alive again, but she had to know he would come back as a vampire, right? So stupid.

The revelation of Lilith’s big sinister plan is disappointing and deflating, because “OH NO!” Lilith is going to Alaska for another thirty day feast! Seriously? That was the main story in the first film! And my god Dark Days is predictable as predictable can be. Stella falling in love with Paul, Stella emerging as the leader of the group, the one on one showdown between Lilith and Stella at the end, and Stella being the sole survivor at the end. Dark Days just goes through the motions from the opening minutes all the way up until the credits start rolling.

With all that said, I always enjoy Dark Days as stupid fun. Dark Days still provides plenty of gory and bloody moments, with Stella smashing a turned Todd’s head into mush with a cinder block as the highlight. The action sequences? Yeah, they are repetitive (a lot of shootouts/fights in dark tunnels, or dark areas like inside the freighter ship), but there’s enough carnage, blood, and dismembered bodies to overlook the monotony. Still, don’t expect anything great or mind blowing from this one, because Dark Days suffers from your usual straight-to-video horror sequel problems (average overall cast, average to mediocre special effects, and a so-so story).

Rating: 5/10

Thale (2012)

**This review contains spoilers**

Working together as a team in a covert Crime Scene Investigation clean up business, Elvis (Erlend Nervold) and Leo (Jon Sigve Skard) are given a peculiar assignment one day: Leo and Elvis are sent to a small cabin deep in the woods to clean up after the death of an old man.

Everything seems normal at first, until Leo and Elvis discover the old man’s secret hiding in the basement’s bathtub: Thale (Silje Reinamo) is a hulder, who can’t speak any words, and the sight of Leo and Elvis sends her into a panic. Thale immediately chokes Elvis, but Leo politely asks her to release the hold, and Thale agrees. Leo and Elvis listen to old tape recordings from the old man to try and figure out the mystery behind Thale and her past, but Leo, Elvis, and Thale are suddenly ambushed by a team of soldiers.

After the soldier’s failed attempts to break into the locked cabin, Leo and Elvis succumb to the clouds of smoke from sleeping gas grenades. During the interrogation outside, Leo and Elvis are at the mercy of the leader, Hvittkledd (Morten Andresen) and they’ll have to rely on Thale and the other hulders in the surrounding area for a rescue.

Sadly, there’s no real competition for the best performance here, because that honor easily goes to Silje Reinamo as Thale. Reinamo doesn’t speak a word here, but she’s able to creep you out with facial expressions. On top of that, the CGI cow’s tale helps, and Reinamo’s “attack mode” demeanor really pulls the character together. Plus, Reinamo is an attractive woman, and she’s in the nude a lot here. They really don’t show too much, but Reinamo never crosses into the territory of someone, who uses her good looks to seduce and deceive, and lure others into a trap. She’s not a femme fatale. Instead, she lets you know right up front that she’s not going to play any mind games, or use any tricks to take you out, and that’s a refreshing change that we don’t see too often in horror films for women with deadly powers or skills. Just take one long look at Reinamo (especially when you factor in the partial nudity), and you wouldn’t expect someone, who’s intimidating or menacing, so she deserves some extra credit for being able to give off the impression of Thale being someone, who you wouldn’t want to mess with at all.

Skard is okay at best, as the more sensible and calmer member of the team, who doesn’t crack under pressure. Nervold is the typical bumbling fool of a sidekick, but his performance borders on the lines of “not funny enough” and “too annoying” throughout the film. And Andersen as the leader? Egads, he’s horrible. I mean, Andersen’s performance is so bad, he drags the quality of the entire cast down a lot, and it’s a shame, because Andersen doesn’t appear until the tail end of the film, and his screen time is limited. But Andersen is hard to ignore, because a. he’s on the short list of characters here, who receive spoken dialogue, and  b. he’s just so awful.

I’ve seen a lot of complaints about the “awful CGI” in Thale, but I think those complaints are exaggerated. Yeah, the CGI isn’t the best in the world. In fact, it’s pretty mediocre, but from reading some of the other complaints, you’d think Thale had SyFy Channel movie quality special effects. That’s not true, because the CGI isn’t that bad.

CGI isn’t the biggest problem for Thale. Too many unanswered questions on the other hand? Now that’s a problem. To be mysterious, and leave a trail of bread crumbs behind, so the audience can draw their own conclusions of what might’ve happened or what will happen is one thing. But when you throw out so many “what if?” hurdles in the story, it just becomes frustrating, tiresome, and annoying. It’s like stuffing a small child’s backpack full of food and water, giving him or her about three hundred dollars worth of cash, a bus ticket, and then you push him or her out the door, tell them to figure it out, and lock the door behind them. So yeah, dropping little hints and clues to make the audience really think and use their imagination is one thing, but Thale crosses a too ambiguous line, and this really hurts the movie.

But after searching around, it looks like they’re going to do a sequel for Thale. Hopefully, they’ll take the time to answer some of the big questions in this film, and while I wasn’t too crazy about this one, I’d be willing to give a second film a chance.

Rating: 3/10

So.........I Wrote A Fiction Novel E Book & A Short Story E Book!

That's right. This year, I took a little break to try my hand at writing a little fiction novel. And I am proud to introduce to you the person, who I hope will become the hottest superheroine sensation, Freechelle Fantabulous! Everything you need to know is right here in this link, including the plot synopsis, and guess what? It's only $0.99!

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00EFLI6VK

But I also had a cluster of other ideas and stories bouncing around in my head, so I decided to put all of them together in a collection of  short stories. Everything from horror to fiction to comedy. It's all in here for a variety of tastes, and just like Freechelle, it's only $0.99! Here's the link:

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00EFMYZ0U

Now for those of you wondering, no. This is NOT a sign of me charging for my movie or TV (they're coming soon guys and gals) reviews in the future. You have my word, for as long as I write movie and TV reviews, I will never, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvvvver charge money for them. I promise.

And yeah, putting some of the finishing touches on the novel and the short story book took some time, so that's why my production kind of slowed down this year. But I'm getting back into beast mode now, and I plan on finishing the year strong. As always, I write to entertain and hopefully make you laugh every now and then, and I hope you enjoy reading my stuff.

MMR

30 Days Of Night (2007)

**This review contains spoilers**

As the citizens of Barrow, Alaska prepare for thirty nights and days of darkness during the annual polar-night month, a mysterious and dirty stranger (Ben Foster) wanders into town with a freighter ship close behind him. Upon his arrival, The Stranger destroys all the communications in Barrow, a helicopter, and murders a group of sled dogs. After The Stranger causes an altercation with a waitress at the local diner, the town Sheriff, Eben Oleson (Josh Hartnett) steps in, and arrests him.

As nightfall approaches, The Stranger is in jail, but a group of vampires slowly sneak out of the freighter ship, and invade the town. Eventually, it’s revealed The Stranger helped the vampires through a serious of careful steps and planning to make sure no one else would suspect anything fishy. The pack of vampires are lead by Marlow (Danny Huston), and soon enough, the vampires are able to take control of the town with ease. At the Sheriff’s office, Eben’s younger brother, Jake (Mark Rendall), narrowly escapes a vampire attack, but Jake and Eben’s grandmother, who works as a desk clerk at the Sheriff’s office, is murdered.

Eben must put aside bitter feelings for his ex-wife and fire marshal, Stella Oleson (Melissa George), who is upset about missing the last plane for thirty days out of Barrow, and work with her to survive the vampire attacks. Cut off from the outside world with no help, Eben leads and commands the team of Stella, Jake, Beau Brower (Mark Boone Junior), Barrow’s rowdy snowplow driver, who uses his snowplow machine to help in the fight, and the remaining townspeople in Barrow against the vampires.

But after their cover is blown in the attic of an abandoned house, Eben and the other survivors realize they won’t be able to just hide and wait it out for the first sunrise in thirty days. No, they’ll have to fight back for survival, and risk their lives to outlast the darkness.

Hartnett is a competent leading man, and he’s a believable fearless leader. Melissa George delivers the second best performance as Stella. During the early stages of the movie, Stella is someone, who comes off as whiny and unlikable, but as Eben and Stella start working together again, George’s character becomes someone, who you can root for. Sad to say, but Boone Junior’s Beau is the only character, who has some real life here. Boone Junior is entertaining as the angry old man, who’s not afraid of any danger, but the rest of Barrow’s survivors (including Jake) aren’t given enough of a personality to stand out amongst each other.

The vampires? Eh, I can hardly say anything about them. The vampires in 30 Days Of Night are feral cannibals, who just growl and yell a lot. Danny Huston is the only one, who actually speaks, but subtitles are attached to his dialogue, because Marlow speaks an ancient vampire language. Although, Marlow speaks one line of English in the film. When a young woman is begging for her life, she asks for God to help her. Marlow responds by saying “God? God……no God” before allowing his pack to torture and kill the young woman.

Director David Slade (I still can’t believe this guy directed a Twilight film) deserves a lot of credit for creating the perfect eerie, hopeless, and spooky atmosphere. When the vampires aren’t yelling or growling, there’s a chilling silence in the dark streets of Barrow, as the remaining survivors tiptoe to the next safe house. 30 Days Of Night gets some bonus points from me for confining the protagonists in a desolate death trap, that favors the antagonists with no means of escape. It feels like a refreshing change, because 30 Days isn’t hampered by a plot that involves vampires trying to secretly take over the world, inconspicuously living in the shadows, or one vampire antagonist or more stalking a victim or victims, who discovered their secret.

Unfortunately, 30 Days Of Night will bore you with dull and one-dimensional characters. As I said before, Boone Junior’s Beau is the only character with a real spark. Yeah, I understand everyone is terrified for their lives and the safety of their loved ones, and because they’re facing a life or death threat, everyone has a break through revelation. Eben and Stella slowly start to trust each other again, and Eben realizes he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life without Stella. Jake realizes he has to grow up and be a man, because he was spending most of his time at his grandmother’s house growing and smoking weed. And some of the elderly survivors would rather die, so they willingly sacrifice themselves, because they feel like they’ve reached the end of the line. That’s all well and good, but personality wise, it’s hard to pick out an individual amongst the survivors, because the VAST majority of the cast never rises above “OH NO! VAMPIRES! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO!” reactions. Foster’s creepy and eccentric Stranger character had a chance to stand out. He had the perfect look as, this deranged and filthy homeless man, but his character doesn’t last too long.

Although, I have mixed feelings for the characters in 30 Days Of Night. Yes. They are boring and dull, but I still root for their survival. Unless the protagonists reach extreme unlikable levels (this doesn‘t apply to anyone in 30 Days), you can always rally behind the group of unlikely heroes and underdogs, who come together to fight and stop a seemingly invincible evil power. It’s a timeless formula, and more often than not, you can plug this formula into any genre of film, and it still works today. 

But I hate the stupid ending for this film. So with one day left before sunrise, Eben and the group make a run for a utilidor, because they believe it’ll be a perfect stronghold to ride out the attack until sunrise. But as they’re making a run for it, Stella separates herself from the group to rescue a petrified survivor wandering around in the streets. Stella and the survivor hide underneath a wrecked car, but the vampires decide to drench the streets in oil, and they start a fire to burn the entire town to the ground, so everyone else will assume the attack was nothing more than a tragic accident. The streets are burning, Stella is trapped under the car, so Eben comes up with the bright idea to turn himself into a vampire, so he can fight Marlow for a distraction, giving Stella and the survivor time to escape. Eben injects himself with the blood of a turned friend, fights and kills Marlow, and he burns to death in Stella’s arms, as they watch the sunrise the very next morning (Eben promised Stella they would watch the sunrise no matter what).

This ending….didn’t make any sense. Just pay close attention. Stella had PLENTY of chances to escape without the vampires noticing her. Sunrise was hours away, and the vampires were focused on the fire. Eben transforms himself into a vampire, and yeah, he kills the leader. But what do the vampires do after the fight? They walk away, because they didn’t have enough time to do anything else. So in the grand scheme of things, his sacrifice and the melodramatic ending with Stella holding a dying and burning Eben didn’t make the least bit of sense, because everything leading up to this particular series of events was so unnecessary.

30 Days Of Night will satisfy true gore fiends, because this film is loaded with a lot of nasty and bloody gruesomeness, and some brutal beheadings. A few decent action sequences every now and then, and although I can’t stand the frustrating and nonsensical events leading up to it, the final fight between Marlow and a vampiric Eben was fun to watch. With the background of the burning town behind them, Eben fought with everything he had, and Eben slamming his fist through Marlow’s mouth and the back of his head for the kill at the same time is a memorable jaw-dropping moment, that’s capable of leaving you speechless. Personally, I would LOVE to go with a higher score, but deep down inside, I know 30 Days Of Night isn’t that good.

Rating: 7/10