ChromeSkull: Laid To Rest 2 (2011)

**This review contains spoilers**

Following the events of Laid To Rest, Tommy (Thomas Dekker) and The Girl With No Name, or “Princess” (Bobbi Sue Luther) narrowly escape the wrath of the ruthless killer, ChromeSkull (Nick Principe). After unknowingly pouring booby-trapped glue into his chrome mask, ChromeSkull’s face was destroyed by a corrosive substance. Tommy and Princess were the only living suriviors after ChromeSkull’s recent rampage, and after the final showdown in a convenience store, Tommy and Princess escaped before the police arrived.

As investigators and local police arrived at the convenience store to examine ChromeSkull’s seemingly lifeless body, ChromeSkull’s special team, led by his top assistant, Preston (Brian Austin Green) infiltrated the crime scene. Preston and ChromeSkull’s team killed everyone on the scene, and they escaped with ChromeSkull’s body before backup arrived to help out. Eventually, ChromeSkull was taken to one of his hideouts for surgery by a secret team of surgeons. The surgeons reconstructed ChormeSkull’s mangled face, and ChromeSkull was given time to rest and recover.

Meanwhile, Preston tracks Tommy and Princess to a hotel. Tommy agreed to look after Princess for a while, but the hotel was the end of the line. But when Tommy goes out to get food, Preston sneaks in the hotel room, and murders Princess. Tommy returns to find Princess’ dismembered body, and Tommy is rushed to the local police station for questioning and protection.

Three months later, ChromeSkull is fitted with a new chrome skull mask, and he’s looking for his revenge against Tommy. Tommy is the one that got away, and ChromeSkull doesn’t miss his targets. And ChromeSkull isn’t alone, because he receives help from his underground network of associates. While Preston tries to locate Tommy, ChromeSkull targets a new victim. Jess (Mimi Michaels) and her friend are home alone one night, when ChromeSkull sneaks in. He murders Jess’ friend, and takes Jess to his hideout as a hostage.

Detective King (Owain Yeoman) and his trusted co-worker, Max (Christopher Nelson) work together to find Jess, while keeping Tommy safe at the station. Meanwhile, a series of problems within ChromeSkull’s organization could spark a catastrophic implosion. Preston is tired of living in the shadows, and his role as the clean up guy. Preston wants to be the new ChromeSkull, but ChromeSkull isn’t ready to retire anytime soon. And ChromeSkull is still bitter towards Preston for killing Princess, because he likes to kill and “catch his own fish.” On top of all that, ChromeSkull’s more loyal and trusted assistant, Spann (Danielle Harris) plots to turn ChromeSkull against Preston (Spann‘s #1 rival within the organization).

One night, Preston slips inside the station, and kidnaps Tommy. Tommy and Jess are prisoners of ChromeSkull at his hideout. Detective King launches a last second mission to save Tommy and Jess, and put an end to ChromeSkull’s murderous rampages.

Ugh, why, oh WHY did they have to kill off Lena Headey in Laid To Rest! Thomas Dekker, Brian Austin Green, and Lena Headey in the same cast could’ve  provided the perfect Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles reunion. Yes, I know. I’m probably one of the very few people, who actually wanted to see this, but a TSCC reunion in Laid To Rest 2  would’ve been a great nostalgia kick for die hard fans of the show.

Anyway, the cast is solid enough. Nick Principe is still intimidating and creepy as ChromeSkull. Brian Austin Green is OKAY, but he tries way too hard most of the time. Thomas Dekker is given more screen time in part two, and he delivers the best performance, as the broken and traumatized victim. Yeoman and Nelson are decent enough, but Mimi Michaels’ is kind of annoying at times (the character, not her performance). And you won’t see too much of Danielle Harris here. Her character’s screen time is limited to here and there appearances

Robert Hall (the writer and director for both Laid To Rest films. Well, he co-wrote the screenplay for part two, because he had some help from Kevin Bocarde, but still) picks up where he left off in Laid To Rest 2. And he provides more details to fill in some of the giant plot holes in the first film. How is ChromeSkull pulling all of this off by himself? It’s the one question that constantly popped in my mind during Laid To Rest, and Hall answers those questions here. Well, ChromeSkull was working with an old man at a funeral home (the old man kept an eye out for police, and would hide dead and alive victims in the funeral home, because ChromeSkull used the funeral home as a storage space for his victims), but still, one old man helping the mass murderer wasn’t enough. It was too far-fetched, but adding a network of assistants tied up the remaining loose ends.

Hall also downplayed  ChromeSkull’s camera on the shoulder POV stuff here. ChromeSkull likes to record his murders as they happen, so he wears a camera on his shoulder. They really abused this POV in Laid To Rest, but Hall toned it down for the sequel.

Killing off Bobbi Sue Luther’s character during the intro was a good call, because Laid To Rest 2 is loaded with a bunch of sub-plots: Preston being jealous of ChromeSkull, and wanting to become the new ChromeSkull. Spann plotting against Preston, and seemingly developing a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with ChromeSkull. Jess struggling to fight for her life, and Tommy trying to survive another attack from ChromeSkull. The survival of Princess would’ve cluttered the story into a bigger mess, so I’m happy they pulled the trigger early. Also, I’ve seen some interviews with her, and she’s on the video commentary for Night Of The Demon’s ’09. Bobbi Sue Luther seems like a nice and humble person in real life, and as far as looks go, she’s a ten in my book, but she’s a terrible actress. Her character was beyond annoying in Laid To Rest, and it’s a problem, because Princess is the primary protagonist.

Laid To Rest 2 provides more inventive and brutal deaths, as ChromeSkull hacks his way through another slaughter fest. Problem is, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before. The VAST majority of kills in this film don’t have that sickening shock factor, because they really pulled out all the stops in Laid To Rest. A lot of nasty and bloody stuff in this film, but for me, the deaths couldn’t reach any squirming levels of disgustingness, because they gave away all of the good stuff in part one.

Hall is building towards a part three, he planted a lot of seeds for another sequel, and there’s a cliffhanger at the end. But instead of going with another sequel, the third entry in Laid To Rest is going to be a prequel, explaining the origins of ChromeSkull, and “how it all began.” I wasn’t too crazy about part two, but the story progressed, and now you’re going to backtrack into a prequel? I dunno. It just feels kind of weird to me.

Anyway, ChromeSkull: Laid To Rest 2 isn’t something to brag about. Laid To Rest 2 is a dud with a very messy and convoluted story. You still won’t see ChromeSkull’s face, and he still doesn’t speak a word in the sequel, so his character maintained the silent and deadly monster mystique. Still, Laid To Rest 2 is just another mediocre and forgettable slasher.

Final Rating: 3/10

Pain & Gain (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

In 1990’s South Florida, Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) is a bodybuilder, who’s tired of being a nobody. Broke, and working a dead end job as a fitness trainer at the Sun Gym, Daniel convinces his steroid junkie friend, Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie) to pull off a kidnapping that will solve all of their problems. Daniel is motivated by Johnny Wu’s (Ken Jeong) seminar, and Wu’s pep talk as a motivational speaker gives Daniel the extra push he was looking for. After recruiting Paul Doyle (The Rock), a born-again Christian, who’s fresh out of jail, Daniel puts together the perfect plan. Daniel, Paul, and Adrian kidnap Victor Kershaw (Tony Shalhoub), a “self-made” millionaire and one of Paul’s clients at the Sun Gym.

After days of torture and beatings, Victor finally signs over all of his assets to Daniel and his gang. And  Daniel receives some help from his boss, John (Rob Corddry), who has the license to notarize all the paperwork. Daniel moves into Victor’s house. Adrian marries Ramona (Rebel Wilson), the one woman, who stood by him during his erectile dysfunction problems, and Adrian uses his share of the money to buy a new house. Paul is consumed by the fast life with his stripper girlfriend, Sorina (Bar Paly), while developing an addiction to cocaine.

As the Sun Gym Gang burns through their money, Daniel is influenced by Paul to pull off another heist. Meanwhile, Victor survives a botched murder by the gang, and hires a private investigator named Ed Du Bois (Ed Harris) to bring down Daniel and his crew. Paul and Adrian are running low on money, so Daniel plans another job to clean out a wealthy porn director/producer. But Ed is ready to point the police in the right direction, and Paul’s failed robbery of an armored car brings more heat to the gang.

Well, the main cast of characters are supposed to be meatheads, but The Rock delivers the most entertaining performance for my money. Paul is really the only guy, who steps out of the “tough guy” zone, and Johnson shows a goofy, sensitive side. During the cocaine addiction, Rock turns into a paranoid emotional trainwreck, and he brought a few laughs out of me, as the religious loony. Wahlberg is believable as an obsessive jock, but Anthony Mackie’s character annoyed me. Not because of his performance, but a lame running gag about ED is attached to Mackie’s character, and it’s not funny after the first three or four penis jokes. Shalhoub oozes sleaziness, Ed Harris is always a perfect fit for the old veteran, and Bar Paly is just eye candy. I mean, technically Paly has a character, as the ditzy airhead, but she can’t act. Rebel Wilson has found a niche, as a subtle and shrewd chunky woman, and next to Rock, she gets my pick for the second most entertaining performance. Also, I’m pretty sure I spotted Kurt Angle during a prison fight in one of Paul’s flashbacks.

Michael Bay’s high octane and clumsy directing style might give you a seizure or a really bad headache after you’re done with one of his movies. I guess you can give Bay some credit for toning it down on the explosions (unless I’m missing something, I only counted one), but as usual, there’s nothing truly memorable about Bay’s work behind the camera here. More violence and blood than your usual Bay flick, but it’s nothing too extreme. It’s nothing that’ll make you squirm, or say “wow! Bay is trying to do something different!” No. And Bay’s constant use of slow motion is kind of annoying.

Pain & Gain wants to be an in-your-face black comedy, and a colorful from rags to riches story, but I was ready to leave after twenty minutes. The humor loses steam fast, and the through the motions story is too predictable and mundane. Maybe, just MAYBE if they took a more serious approach, Pain & Gain could’ve been a respectable docudrama……with a better director of course. But I was burnt out on the goofiness and macho “I HAVE BIG MUSCLES!” routine before Pain & Gain reached the third act. Lots of T&A throughout Pain & Gain, and I chuckled a few times, but the movie as a whole is just a massive failure, and the two hours and nine minutes runtime felt like an eternity.    

Final Rating: 2/10

The Lords Of Salem (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

In Salem, Massachusetts, Heidi (Sheri Moon Zombie) works as a DJ at the local radio station. With her trusted friends, Herman “Whitey” Salvador (Jeff Daniel Phillips) and Herman “Munster” Jackson (Ken Foree), Heidi is apart of Salem’s hottest gothic rock radio team. Heidi is a recovering drug addict, who’s trying to turn her life around, but the delivery of a mysterious record from a band named “The Lords” changes everything. Heidi and other women slip into a zombified trance, when The Lords’ record is played across the airwaves, and Heidi can’t shake the lasting effects from the strange tunes.

Back at her apartment complex, Heidi encounters a series of strange disturbances from an unknown tenant in apartment five. Heidi’s landlord doesn’t find any signs of foul play, but Heidi slowly descends into madness, as the evil presence from The Lords’ record consumes her. Francis Matthias (Bruce Davison), an author and expert on the Salem witch trials, is a guest on Heidi’s radio show one day. And after examining The Lords’ record, Francis decides to investigate The Lords, and do more research on Heidi‘s past.

As Heidi relapses into drug abuse, Francis studies Heidi’s family tree. Heidi’s real last name is Hawthorne, and Heidi is a descendant of Reverend Johnathan Hawthorne (Andrew Prine). Jonathan Hawthorne played a crucial role in destroying an entire coven of witches during the Salem witch trials, but he was cursed by the leader of the clan. The curse would fall on a descendant of Hawthorne, who would lead the modern-day clan of Salem witches…….and Heidi is the descendant. Heidi’s landlord and her two friends share bloodline ties to Salem witches of the past. Heidi’s landlord and her friends carefully and secretly plotted to initiate Heidi into their clan, but Francis and Herman Whitey suspect something fishy, as Heidi continues to sink into a deeper hole. Heidi will have to face the horrors in apartment five, and the possibility of leading the modern-day Salem Witches.

Sheri Moon Zombie isn’t a horrendous actress. She gets a lot of flak for constantly appearing in her husband’s films, and a lot of the hate is unnecessary. Is she a great actress? No. Is she the type of actress, who can elevate a film with her performance? No, no she’s not. But Sheri is capable of delivering decent and solid performances. It’s one thing if you’re tired of seeing Sheri in Rob’s movies, but she’s not an unbearable abomination of an actress, who couldn‘t “act her way out of a paper bag“ so to speak. Also, Rob Zombie isn’t blind, and he doesn’t live under a rock. He has to know about the criticisms surrounding his decisions to constantly re-cast Sheri in all of his movies. But Sheri keeps popping up regardless. Honestly, I’ve seen enough interviews with Zombie, and he doesn’t strike me as the type of person, who would care about the complaints.

Anyway, in The Lords Of Salem, Sheri is kind of dull as Heidi at first, but she shows more personality during Heidi’s downward spiral. Sheri’s Heidi isn’t an Oscar worthy performance, but she’s believable, and I could feel sympathy for her character. Daniel Phillips is just there, you won’t see too much of Ken Foree, and the group of women, who portrayed the modern-day witches trying to seduce Heidi brought too many unintentional laughs (more on that later) out of me.

Rob Zombie is and always will be one of my favorite filmmakers. I admire and respect his passion and enthusiasm for the horror genre. As usual, Zombie spares no expense for blood and brutality. The Lords Of Salem is guaranteed to make you squirm, and you’ll know you’re in for a sick and twisted ride after the opening satanic ritual. Zombie delivers a few jump scares every now and then (the first in Heidi’s apartment with the witch corpse hanging in the far corner of the kitchen is the best one), and he creates the perfect spooky atmosphere (mainly during flashbacks to old Salem). I don’t own any of his albums, but Zombie’s selected soundtrack is a good fit for The Lords Of Salem. It’s not too distracting, but at the same time, the music helps set the right mood for each scene. Also, Zombie’s retro style intro for Heidi and The Herman’s radio show was pretty cool, because the intro looked and felt like an authentic throwback to the 70’s.

The Lords Of Salem uses the slow burn technique to unravel its story, and you have to figure out a lot of major plot points, because Lords doesn’t provide any clear cut answers for the motivations of the main characters. I actually enjoyed the methodical pacing. Heidi’s downfall feels more devastating, because you see each step leading up to the ending. I was hooked into the mystery surrounding Heidi and the Salem witches…..until the ending. The ending feels rushed, and Zombie’s clusterfuck cramming of images during the finale almost gave me a headache. I anxiously anticipated the grand finale, but the third act was a disappointing and clustered mess.

Also, Heidi’s landlord and her friends are supposed to be kooky crones. I get that, but man they almost ruined this move for me. In the early stages of the movie, one of the witches is so hysterical and over the top during a palm reading for Heidi. This lunatic act wasn’t funny or creepy, it was just too much. And towards the end, as Heidi’s landlord and her friends plan to kill Francis before he warns Heidi, Heidi’s landlord and her friends start taunting Francis. The insults towards Francis veer into campy territory too often, and this scene just brought a deep, disappointed sigh out of me. 

Plus, Zombie’s “it was just a dream!” trick loses its shock factor towards the end. Throughout the movie, Heidi has dreams of attacks from dark forces. The dark forces also attack her friends, and Heidi believes everything is real, but then she wakes up. Zombie uses this trick more than once, and towards the end, Heidi’s dream sequences lose the intended shock factor.

You’ll see a lot of female nudity throughout this film, but don’t start drooling now, because you shouldn’t get your hopes up too high. A VERY select few (Sheri and another, couldn’t find her name) are supposed to be attractive and naked. The others? Eh, not so much, because the other nude scenes occur during the satanic ritual stuff. So yeah, use your imagination.

The Lords Of Salem is a bizarre and trippy horror film loaded with grisly images, and sadistic brutality. The cast isn’t great, and the third act is a big mess, but I’m still going with a positive score for this one. For good and bad reasons, you will not forget The Lords Of Salem. Salem is shocking, and Zombie’s unrestrained approach is guaranteed to bring a reaction out of you. It’s not my favorite Zombie film (Halloween 2007 is still #1, and no, I don‘t have a problem with Zombie explaining the origins of Michael Myers), but The Lords Of Salem earned a spot on my list of memorable moviegoing experiences this year.

Final Rating: 6/10

Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker (1991)

**This review contains spoilers**

During the month of December, a young Derek Quinn (William Thorne) anxiously awaits Christmas Day. One night, Derek picks up a gift wrapped package from a mysterious stranger. Derek’s father, Tom (Van Quattro) takes the package from Derek, while lecturing him about the dangers of opening the door for strangers. Derek hides on the staircase, while Tom unwraps the package. Inside, Tom finds a Santa Claus ornament. But it’s not an ordinary ornament. The head spins around to reveal the face of a more sinister Santa Claus with fangs. Sparks fly, and the ornament uses its rubber tentacles to strangle Tom. During the struggle with the ornament, Tom falls into a fireplace poker, and is killed on impact. Derek’s mother, Sarah (Jane Higginson) rushes downstairs to find the body of her dead husband, while Derek sits on the steps in a stunned silence.

Two weeks later, Derek is stuck in a mute phase, and his erratic behavior continues to get worse. In attempt to cheer him up, Sarah takes Derek to the local toy store to buy him a gift. Petto’s Toys is run by the owner, Joe Petto (Mickey Rooney), who occasionally receives help from his awkward teenage son, Pino (Brian Bemer). Pino has an obsession for making masks, and Joe is a depressed and angry alcoholic. Joe is consumed by the recent failures in profits for his store, and Joe takes all of his frustrations out on Pino. After witnessing the death of his father, Derek develops a fear of all toys and Santa Claus, so he refuses to accept any gifts from Petto’s Toys.

Meanwhile, Derek and Sarah are unknowingly stalked by a man named Noah (Tracy Fraim). Noah recently left the Army, but he’s struggling to pay his bills, and Noah is forced to take a job as a shopping mall Santa. One day, Noah tries to learn some more information from Derek during an unexpected visit at the mall. But Sarah snatches Derek from Noah’s lap, as Noah becomes more aggressive and persistent. Sarah seeks advice and help from her neighbor and best friend, Kim (Neith Hunter), but Kim’s rebellious and rowdy son, Lonnie (Conan Yuzna) doesn’t help the situation.

The night before Christmas Eve, Sarah takes one final shot at cheering up a silent Derek by allowing him to open an early Christmas present from Petto’s. The present was another gift from the mysterious stranger, but Sarah never suspected any foul play, because she was convinced Kim left the present for Derek. Derek is still tormented by the death of his father, so he throws the present of roller-skates in the trash. Lonnie sees an easy opportunity, and he steals the skates from the trashcan. But the roller-skates are actually rocket powered. And during a harmless test run, the skates malfunction, and Lonnie is hit by a car.

Eventually, Noah corners Sarah in a long awaited face to face meeting on Christmas Eve. Noah tells Sarah the story of how Joe Petto became a bitter and hateful man after losing his wife and unborn son in a tragic car accident. Petto created a series of toys equipped with lethal weapons, because if he couldn’t have a happy, normal family, then nobody else would either. Unbeknownst to Derek, Noah is his real father, but Sarah wanted a real man, who could provide a secure future for Derek and herself, so she married Tom. Noah went to the Army to become a man, and now he wants to be a father for Derek.

While Noah reconnects with Sarah, Derek is alone with the babysitter, Meredith (Amy L. Taylor) and her boyfriend, Buck (Eric Welch). Meredith and Buck are trying to have sex, but they’re attacked by an army of Petto’s toys, and Derek is kidnapped by Joe Petto in a Santa suit, who uses a red bag to abduct Derek. Eventually, Sarah and Noah arrive at Sarah’s house. As Noah tries to comfort a bloody and hysterical Meredith, Sarah rushes to Petto’s Toys to save her only son. Noah eventually makes it to the toy store, but he’s forced to fight off Petto’s lethal toys. Sarah sneaks into the basement to find the real Joe Petto’s dead body, and here, she learns the truth from Pino: Pino is actually a robot built by Joe. Joe couldn’t handle the heartbreak of losing his wife and son, so he created a robot imitation of his dream child. But during his drunken rages, Joe would break Pino, because Pino wasn‘t a “real son.” After the latest incident, Pino murdered Joe. He made a mask to resemble his father’s face, and after that, he broke into Sarah’s house to kidnap Derek. But Pino’s work isn’t finished. Desperately seeking a mother’s love, Pino plans to kill Derek, and become Sarah’s one and only real son.

Of course, Mickey Rooney is the only recognizable name from this cast. Petto is an innocent old man in front of Sarah and his customers, but he’s an angry, drunken asshole to his son. As the raging drunk, Rooney’s performance is cheesy and over the top, and Rooney throws in this horrible sinister laugh during a fight with Pino towards the end. Rooney isn’t terrible, but his loony codger act is painful to watch at times. Although, Mickey Rooney taking a part in this film is kind of odd and ironic. Rooney was one of the many people, who publicly condemned the original Silent Night film, writing a letter to producers expressing his disgust and disappointment.

Jane Higginson is decent enough. Technically, Derek is the main character. But William Throne only speaks at the very beginning, and towards the end of the film. Throne’s performance is limited to scrunching facial expressions of fear and distress. And while Derek is trying to communicate, Sarah takes center stage as the primary protagonist. Anyway, Tracy Fraim’s Noah is dull and forced. Brian Bemer is spot on, as the creepy and eccentric loyal son, especially during the final showdown, when Pino reveals his true robot form. Neith Hunter is okay, but to be fair, her character is shoved into the background this time around. She’s the one woman support system for Sarah, and Conan Yuzna’s Lonnie is a rebellious troublemaker here. Oh, and Clint Howard (Ricky, the homeless servant from Initiation) has a brief cameo, as one of Noah’s Santa co-workers at the mall.

Well, the Toy Maker is the second stand alone film in the Silent Night franchise. After Ricky murdered Gus and Ann, Kim becomes Lonnie’s legal guardian, and they’re next door neighbors to Sarah and Derek. But The Toy Maker doesn’t make an effort to connect anything to Initiation. Ricky’s out of left field cameo doesn‘t fit within the current story. Kim and Lonnie’s characters actually have an impact on the current story, and Kim actually alludes to her bizarre encounter with Fima’s witch clan in part four, but she doesn’t go into details. So unless you actually watched Initiation, you wouldn‘t have the knowledge for the origins of Kim, Ricky, and Lonnie, because The Toy Maker doesn’t make an effort to provide a backstory for each character. Kim, Lonnie, and Ricky’s appearances in this film are more of a “remember them!” wink for die hard Silent Night fans, and it’s as simple as that.

The Toy Maker tries to return to the cheesy and over the top roots of the first two films. The dialogue, the violence, the music, the antagonists (Joe and Pino), and the story. They tried to resurrect the campy 80’s charm in The Toy Maker, but the efforts are too hit-and-miss for my taste. A prime example of the worst case for misses is when Buck insults Lonnie during a verbal duel one night. Lonnie does his best to get under Buck’s skin, and Buck responds with this: “I eat kids like you for breakfast! That’s why my shit smells so bad!” And trust me, this isn’t the only cringeworthy attempt at humor throughout this film. But on the flip-side of that, The Toy Maker is capable of providing a few cheap laughs. Towards the very end, Pino removes his Santa suit, and praises Joe’s work: “My father could make anything.” Pino looks down to see no male genitalia: “Well, almost anything.”

Too many tonal shifts are a real problem for The Toy Maker. I mean, lethal toys (rubber snake, mechanical hand, tanks, small soldiers, mini airplanes, etc.) are attacking people, so of course you’re not suppose to take this film too seriously. But you’ll see a good amount of blood here (mainly during the big toy assault on Meredith and Buck, and Meredith running out of the house as a bloody mess), and there’s a creepy attempted rape scene during the final minutes of this one. Pino is trying to rape Sarah, and he can’t (for obvious reasons), but still, he won’t give up. And Pino constantly shouts “I love you mommy,” while trying to rape Sarah. It’s not funny, and I’m 90% sure it wasn’t supposed to be a serious attempted rape. It’s just an awkward and weird moment to sit through, and this scene really doesn’t fit within The Toy Maker’s goofy lighthearted atmosphere. Then again, just a few moments before the Pino and Sarah scene, Pino (still wearing the Joe mask) attacks Noah with a small, plastic toy gun, loaded with some kind of corrosive material.

They had an opportunity to make something out of Pino’s struggle to understand and feel human emotions, but it was a case of too little, too late. They spent SO much time trying to unravel the mystery of the mysterious stranger, who delivers lethal toys, and revealing Noah’s backstory. They tried to cram in the machines connecting to the real world dynamic, but we don’t hear Pino’s speech until the end. The mystery of “is Noah a good guy or bad guy?” eats up too much time, because Noah’s true intentions are revealed during The Toy Maker’s home stretch. You would think Noah giving his landlord a toy for his son in exchange for a delayed rent payment was the first sign of Noah possibly trying to help, or working for Joe. As Noah hands his landlord the toy, that eventually kills him, Noah says “it’s to die for.” Noah KNEW something was wrong with the toy, but towards the end he’s fighting to save Sarah, Derek, and take down Pino for good? That’s a HUGE black hole for logic. 

Sub-par cast, below average production values, and a predictable “through the motions” story. Yeah, The Toy Maker can’t rise above the normal straight-to-video horror standards. And The Toy Maker wasn’t the resurrection film for this franchise, because Better Watch Out! buried the Silent Night film series into a deep hole. Initiation disrupted the continuity, and truth be told, Part 2 was a shitty film.

But I enjoy The Toy Maker as a guilty pleasure. The gaps in logic irritate me every time, and you can’t ignore a few noticeable plot holes, but as I said before, The Toy Maker isn’t trying to be a smart horror film (unlike one of its predecessors, Better Watch Out! Which failed miserably on almost every level). Toys are attacking people, and Mickey Rooney’s kooky parody style performance is a shining example of The Toy Maker’s silliness. All in all, The Toy Maker is dumb fun, and another guilty pleasure in the Silent Night franchise. It’s not a great, or good finale, though. And of course, this was the end of the line for the Silent Night franchise, until the remake hit during Christmas time last year.

Final Rating: 5/10

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation (1990)

**This review contains spoilers**

One night during the Christmas season, a woman falls from a rooftop after a struggle with an unknown attacker. The woman bursts into flames before crashing to the ground, and an eccentric vagrant named Ricky (Clint Howard) inspects the burning corpse, but he’s scared off by the police.

Kim (Neith Hunter) is an ambitious and frustrated journalist, who’s tired of being held down by the men at her job. Kim insists on doing the story for the burning woman’s death, but instead, her boss, Eli (Reggie Bannister) gives the assignment to her boyfriend/co-worker, Hank (Tommy Hinkley). Driven by anger and a determination to prove all of her male superiors wrong, Kim decides to do the story with some secret sleuthing.

At a local bookstore, Kim meets the owner, Fima (Maud Adams), who directs her to a book on spontaneous combustion. After a hostile interaction with Ricky, Fima urges Kim to study the occult, but she refuses. Soon enough, Fima invites Kim to join her and friends at a picnic in the park, and Kim agrees. Kim’s erratic behavior creates problems at work, but Kim receives support from her co-worker, neighbor, and one trustworthy friend, Janice (Allyce Beasley). At the picnic, Kim meets Katherine (Jeanne Bates) and Jane (Marjean Holden). During the picnic, Kim unknowingly drinks drugged wine.

After the picnic in the park, a series of bizarre incidents and bug infestations disrupt Kim’s life. Kim’s relationship with Hank deteriorates after a dinner with his father, Gus (Ben Slack) his mother, Ann (Laurel Lockhart), and young brother, Lonnie (Conan Yuzna). But a strained first meeting with Hank’s parents is the least of Kim’s worries. After piecing together the clues, and developing a strong hatred for all men, Kim learns a series of shocking secrets: Fima, Katherine, and Jane are actually witches, who are determined to live a life free of men. Janice is a witch, and she’s apart of Fima’s clan, and Janice helped with the planning for Kim’s initiation into Fima’s group of witches.

Ricky is a loyal servant to Fima, and Ricky is sent to help Kim in the final stage of her initiation. During a struggle, Ricky kills Hank, who was just trying to protect Kim. Distraught, and with no other options for an escape, Fima gives Kim one last order to complete the process: Kim must sneak into Lonnie’s house, kidnap him, and murder Lonnie during a ritual sacrifice on Christmas night. Kim must complete the task, or she will burn to death like Fima’s daughter, who was too “weak” to complete her mission.

Hunter is decent enough in the leading role, but her character is so stupid (more on that later). Maud Adams’ cold “you’ll be sorry, if you don’t obey me” stares are spot on, but Adams’ performance suffers, when she opens her mouth.  Ben Slack is good for a few laughs, as the sexist and racist old codger, but his screen time is limited. And Clint Howard delivers the best performance. Howard is genuinely creepy and strange, and the filthy homeless guy look really pulls everything together. The rest of the supporting cast ranges from mediocre to awful with Allyce Beasley giving the most noteworthy performance in the bunch.

Initiation is the most disgusting, violent, and obscene film in the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise, easily. The bugs, the hanging body on meat hooks in a meat locker, burning corpses, and the nastiness coming from Kim’s transformations. This is a repulsive horror flick, that features a good amount of violence, gore, and a rape scene. Part four isn’t a brainless and cheesy slasher, and I know I say this a lot, but you should avoid this one, if you‘re the squeamish type.

Every time I decide to watch Initiation, the obvious twist and turns don’t bother me too much, but Kim’s stupidity? That’s another problem. Kim is so gullible and foolish. “Fima’s giving me a slimy bug to eat? Hmmm. I don’t know what it is, and it could kill me, but I’ll eat it anyway!” “The bug is making me sick, and Fima clearly poisoned my cup of tea right in front of me, but to hell with it, I’m going to drink it anyway!” Ugh. Fima’s “plans” are so easy to telegraph, but Kim constantly falls for her schemes every time. And of course, Kim realizes she made a mistake AFTER Ricky murders Hank, and Fima pressures her to kill Lonnie. Yeah, because clearly the woman, who drugs you, forces you to eat insects, and locks you inside a meat locker isn’t planning something diabolical.

Initiation is the Season Of The Witch for the Silent Night franchise. With the exception of  a brief clip on TV from Better Watch Out! before Hank’s murder, Initiation comeplelty ignores the storylines in Part I, II, and III. And they comeplelty drop the killer Santa Claus theme here. No Ricky, no Billy, and no other maniacs running around in Santa suits. It’s a refreshing change, because truth be told, the killer Santa stuff ran its course in the second film, and the well dried up in Part 3 by keeping Ricky alive. As far as ignoring the other storylines goes, meh. Never bothered me, when I watched this film for the first time years ago, and it still doesn’t bother me today. As I said before, the Ricky and Billy stuff ran its course in Part 3. They milked each storyline beyond a salvageable point, and it was time for something new.

The cast isn’t special, Initiation is the second straight-to-video film in the franchise, and the giant ladybug in Kim’s apartment looks like a cheap toy (gotta see it to believe it). But I still enjoy Initiation. It’s darker and more creepy than the original films, and some scenes are guaranteed to make your skin crawl. The Silent Night franchise tried to give the fans something different, and I actually appreciate the bold changes.

Final Rating: 5/10        

Evil Dead (2013)

**This review contains spoilers**

In one last desperate attempt to cure her heroin addiction, Mia (Jane Levy) agrees to spend time in a secluded cabin the woods. Her brother, David (Shiloh Fernandez) his girlfriend, Natalie (Elizabeth Blackmore), and Eric (Lou Taylor Pucci) and Olivia (Jessica Lucas), who are childhood friends of Mia and David, all agree to help Mia through her rehabilitation. But Olivia proposes more drastic measures, after revealing Mia’s last near death experience to David: Mia will try to leave and go home again, but David must be strong and force Mia to stay in the cabin no matter what, because her body can’t survive another overdose. Reluctant at first, David agrees to the terms of the deal.

But the situation takes a bizarre turn for the worst, when Eric and David discover the hanging bodies of dead cats in the cellars beneath the cabin. Eric finds a book made of flesh, and bound in barbwire. After skimming through it, Eric unknowingly releases the evil within by reciting a passage. The evil forces quickly consume Mia, and through a series of bizarre incidents, the evil forces trap the group of friends without any exits to leave the deep, dark woods.

Jane Levy is an easy pick for the best performance here. Mia is innocent and fragile at first, but once the possession kicks in, Levy transforms into a diabolical and dangerous hellcat. Rest of the cast was solid enough, but Fernandez’s character annoyed the shit of me.

And what a debut for director Fede Alvarez. Think of all the pressure for making the first Evil Dead film in years. Alvarez didn’t just live up to the hype, he knocked it out of the park with a grand slam. If I’m not mistaken, the girl burning alive is the only true CGI moment. Alvarez didn’t flood this film with a barrage of flashy and glossy CGI effects, and that’s a good thing. The gruesome and bloody gore has a stronger sense of realism, and I’m overjoyed Alvarez didn’t take The Thing 2011 approach for special effects. Oh, and Alvarez brought back the demon POV of maneuvering through the woods before an attack. Good stuff.

The Evil Dead 2013 is more serious than the original films, especially Evil Dead 2 and Army Of Darkness. No hokey humor, and the overall tone of the film is darker. The Evil Dead 2013 is loaded with tons of gruesome gore, sadistic violence and torture, lots of, and I do mean LOTS OF blood, and you’ll see plenty of “hard to watch” moments throughout this film. The Evil Dead remake is not for the weak at heart, and you really should avoid this one, if you’re the squeamish type.

The Evil Dead 2013 is the best horror film I’ve seen so far this year, and it’s not even close. It's an extreme bloodbath of carnage and vicious violence, and the runtime just flies by. Fede Alvarez produced an outstanding debut film behind the camera, and I'm still buzzing over Jane Levy's awesomeness. A damn good remake/reboot, that should satisfy fans of the originals, and horror fans, who love nasty and bloody gore. I love this film, and I can’t wait for the DVD!  

Final Rating: 8/10

That's My Boy (2012)

**This review contains spoilers**

As a thirteen year old, Donny Berger (Justin Weaver) pursues a crush, which happens to be his teacher Mary McGarricle (Eva Amuri Martino). To his surprise, Ms. McGarricle pulls Donny into a private room during detention to have sex with him. After a few dates, Donny impregnates Ms. McGarricle. Ms. McGarricle is sent off to jail for a thirty year sentence, and Donny’s father is forced to care for the unborn child until Donny turns eighteen. Donny names his son Han Solo Berger, and Donny becomes a pop icon during the 80’s and early to mid 90’s. But once Han Solo turned eighteen, he abandoned his father, determined to never see him again.

In 2012, Donny (Adam Sandler) is a washed-up bum with no money, who’s stuck in deep debt with just about everyone. Donny’s lawyer, Jim (Rex Ryan) gives him the deadline for a payment of forty-three thousand dollars in back-taxes to the IRS. Donny must find a way to come up with the money, or he’s going to face some serious jail time. With no one else to turn to, Donny accidentally spots his long-lost son on a magazine cover for prestigious upcoming weddings. Donny secretly hatches a plan to trick Han Solo into a reality show meeting with his mother in jail. A sleazy and shameless TV show host named Randall Morgan (Dan Patrick) agrees to pay Donny fifty thousand dollars, if Donny can bring Han Solo and his mother face to face in prison.  Now an older woman and cutoff from the outside world, Mary (Susan Sarandon) is unaware of Donny’s plan, as she awaits his upcoming visit.

But Han Solo isn’t quick to welcome his father with open arms. To hide the shame and embarrassment, Han Solo came up with a story about his parents dying in an explosion, and he changed his name. Now a successful businessman, Todd Peterson (Andy Samberg) is about to marry his fiancée, Jamie (Leighton Meester). But the peaceful wedding planning takes a turn for the worst, when Donny suddenly shows up to crash the ceremonies. The wedding is days away, and in an attempt to save face and keep his secret, Todd introduces Donny as an old friend to Jamie’s family. Donny tries to trick Todd into visiting his mother for the reality show, but Todd is still bitter about his miserable and damaged childhood. Donny gets some help from his friend Vanilla Ice, but he’ll have to outsmart a suspicious Jamie, Todd, and Jamie’s crazy Marine brother, Chad (Milo Ventimiglia). And Donny has to close the deal quickly, or he will lose everything.

Character wise, Adam Sandler is someone, who you can usually root for. In Billy Madison, I wanted him to graduate, get the diploma, and taker over his father’s company, because Bradley Whitford’s character was such a slimy asshole. I wanted him to succeed in Happy Gilmore. In the Waterboy, you could get behind Bobby, because he was bullied, and I wanted him to kick some ass and fight back. In Big Daddy, I rooted for Sandler to become a man, and take care of his responsibilities. And this breaks the trend I’m on right now, but in Anger Management, Sandler was a wimp, who couldn’t stand up for himself, so of course, I rooted for him to find his courage. Bottom line, Sandler is usually an immature douchebag in most of his movies…..but he’s a likeable immature douchebag. I can’t say the same thing about Donny. He’s such an unlikable, and more importantly, unfunny douche.

Like Sandler, Andy Samberg tries way too hard in this film, and he’s just not funny. Susan Sarandon is pretty good, and for some reason, her character is wearing an 80’s style Hulk Hogan shirt in prison. Unfortunately, old Mary only has the one prison scene. Dan Patrick brought a few chuckles out of me, as the narcissistic TV personality. Vanilla Ice is just horrendous. He tries to poke fun at himself throughout the movie, and it’s just painful to watch. Leighton Meester is just eye candy. Although, she has a few moments as the psychotic and obsessive, controlling bitch. And Sandler’s buddies fill up the majority of the supporting cast. If you’ve seen most of Sandler’s films, you should know, who I’m talking about. Of course, Nick Swardson is here. He plays Sandler’s weird and perverted loser friend, who stalks around the local strip club. And no, he’s not funny at all.

That’s My Boy pulls out all the stops: incest, gross-out gags, masturbation gags, raunchy sex jokes, and vulgar, over the top douchebaggery. Oh, and they actually used the “wazzzzuuuuup!” from the old Budweiser commercials as a running gag throughout this film. Overkill is a big problem in That’s My Boy. After the first fifteen minutes, the jokes lose a lot of steam. It’s kind of hard to produce more shocked reactions, when you start off the movie with an inappropriate teacher/student relationship, and constantly piling on a bunch of immature frat boy style gags every five minutes doesn’t help anything.

Don’t be fooled by Sandler’s trip into raunchy R rated territory. He’s not doing something different. It’s the same old tired and boring shtick you’ve seen for years. He’s just more vulgar and nasty in this movie, that’s it. I tried really hard to laugh at That’s My Boy, but I couldn’t 90% of the time. It’s just an awful film, and Sandler continues to sink lower with each passing year. Ugh, this is what happens, when I stay up late, and watch some random movie on Starz.

 Final Rating: 1/10